Hurry Up and Wait!

Hurry Up and Wait!

I was discharged from my neck surgery to go home, heal, and to wait.  Recovery was supposed to take 4-6 weeks, and this included not lifting anything over 10 lbs. (which is basically a gallon of milk).  I weighed the vacuum cleaner and would you believe it was 11 pounds. Dang it!  The trash can was 12 pounds (I might have put something heavy in it before weighing it)!  Double Dang! Laundry basket was easily 15 pounds!  I HATE THAT I can’t do these things and now I have to hire a house cleaner, yard care, and a pool boy (Let the sarcasm ooze). My goal of making myself NOT go to the gym 25 days in 2019 was going to be fulfilled, and then blown out of the water. Seriously, what would it would REALLY do?  Don’t doctors just cover their butts by saying 4-6 weeks, when they really mean 2-3 weeks? 

Sitting is not something I do well.  I get up at 4:00 a.m. and hit the ground running.  I usually go as fast as I can all day long until I recharge at 8:00 p.m.  (This routine got really complicated this last year and I will deal with that more in upcoming chapters of my continued saga.) Hurry up and wait!

So now, there was no real reason to get up early since I can’t go to the gym—but I did!  No real reason to stay on your special diet to eat clean and healthy—but I did!  No real reason to keep the same schedule throughout the day eating 6 meals (except lifting weights that was off limits)—but I did!  I quickly learned that keeping a schedule was one of the most beneficial things I could do for myself. I filled my time with typing thoughts I had been wrestling with in a journal.  Doing the things around the house I could do, without overworking myself.  Don’t worry, I was able to resist picking up the vacuum and trash!  Took a few naps to help the healing process.  Got off of the narcotics as soon as I could (This was more to save a few pills in-case family came to visit). And went back and started re-watching all the episodes of Seinfeld to brush up on my one liners and party references. 

But after about a week, I was bored to death!  I called the doctor and asked what physical activity I could do after 7-10 days of being a pretty good boy.  His response surprised me.  “Brice, your blood vessels and veins in your neck were about 7-10 times larger than the average man (I knew I was way above average so I asked if he could relay this to my friends).  Because of that, the walls of those blood vessels and veins are much thinner. If you choose to lift weights and strain at any level above what I told you, you will most likely blow one of them, bleed out and die”. (Well, that seems a little dramatic)  So, my follow up question was pretty stupid thinking about it now, but I did ask, “So you are saying absolutely NO lifting, not even the pink girl weights?”  Doctor, “DID YOU HEAR ANYTHING I JUST SAID?”  Yes. Hurry up and wait.

So what do I do for 3-4 more weeks? Sure, I go back to work in a week, but that still did not fill the void of time and energy that I needed to exert.  I went back to writing more in my journal, but honestly there are only so many feelings I want to see on paper. I continued to wipe the counters but they were pretty freaking clean. After getting off of the narcotics, I finally got my car keys back which meant I could do grocery pick up. Unloading the car took forever, due to the fact 10-11 pounds adds up quickly, so I made numerous trips back and forth to the car to unload everything. It didn’t take long and again I was BORED!  Hurry up and wait. 

When I got back to work everyone watched over me like a hawk.  “Don’t do that,” “stop lifting things.”  I know they all did it out of love, (except for one of them who I think always had dreamed of telling me what to do) but I was tired of waiting, and tired of being told what I couldn’t do. I had people bringing me things at work and at home that were over the 10 lb. weight limit.  I was starting to feel helpless, and honestly starting to get angry. Not at the people, but at the process.  Waiting sucks.  It’s for non-driven people. Lazy ones, I told myself.  I am a type A++++ personality and waiting must be for type B,C,D, and especially type F people.  I had too much to do, and what I had to do was obviously too important for me to be living this way. How will the world survive with me sitting on the sidelines?! I should have just had the stupid tumor drained and just lived with it.  Then I could be doing important stuff, because I am SO important! (I hope you are sensing my sarcasm and not narcissism)…

Week 4 of recovery finally arrived—The doctor said I could start lifting after four weeks (He actually said 4-6 weeks, due to the size of my tumor the and the amount of real estate it took up in my neck, so the longer I waited the better). But what I heard was FOUR WEEKS!  So I made plans to go back to the gym but that idea was nixed until I saw the doctor for my follow up and he medically cleared me. The last conversation we had didn’t go my way, and I didn’t anticipate this one being received with open arms either.  I called the office and left word with his nurse and got a call back fairly quickly that went something like this:

“Mr. Early”.  Yes.  “Dr. Gibson wanted to see if you remembered the last conversation you all had about how big your tumor was and the trauma it caused in your neck?”  My first response was to say NO, but then was afraid he would bring me back in to see if there was any neurological damage and add more conditions to my recovery time.  So I was honest and said “Yes, but he had stated 4-6 weeks and I am feeling great and thought I would check to see if I could start going back to the gym and going light” (I did not define what light meant).  Nurse, “He said ABSOLUTELY NO LIFTING not even the ‘pink weights’ as you described them (by the way this was a female nurse and she sounded very put off by my description of “pink weights”), but he did say you could go back to the gym and start walking on a flat treadmill for 20 minutes a day with no incline.” (Dang, that was specific and he obviously knew I would cheat if he was not). 

However, I just felt like I had won a hostage negotiation, and talked him down into giving in a little to my demands.  I was back in the door baby!  Back on the treadmill, like a rat chasing cheese! I got to go see all the people that I know, but don’t really KNOW, aka my “Gym Friends.”  I envisioned myself walking back into the gym and everyone having prepared a run-through for me like they have on the high school football field.  I saw myself stepping up on the treadmill and almost floating as I cranked the speed up to a whopping 3.0 miles per hour.  So I laid out my gym clothes that night (it was like picking out an outfit for prom—it had to be just the right one, I mean I had to look good).  I put on my lucky ball cap (go back and reread that chapter) and set out the door at 4 am. 

When I arrived at the gym there was no run through, no high fives, no floating on a treadmill and very few we missed you’s. Did no one miss me or even know I was gone? It was kind of a humbling experience.  It made me wonder how many people I had not noticed, who had been gone for longer than I had. 

After a couple days of doing cardio as bad as I wanted to keep doing it, I couldn’t.  Due to pushing myself further than what the doctor allowed and going 3.4-3.6 at a 2-4 grade, it caused me to strain in breathing, which caused my neck to hurt a lot!  I know, keep shaking your head, it gets worse I promise.  Everyone around me told me to take it easy.  My family, my friends, the people at work said “DON’T OVER DO IT!” (Like they were just waiting for me to fail).  My doctor said to take it easy.  I even got in my car one morning and the Eagles were singing, “Take it Easy.”  Ironically I had been going over my 60 plus pages of notes from my 6-week summer sabbatical where the whole purpose was to take it easy.  But I don’t know how to take it easy, not for very long anyway.  I don’t sit well.  I don’t wait well.  Therefore, I don’t heal well.  Hurry up and wait!

I learned three things about myself during this “time out”: 

1)  I am not patient and do not wait well.  This is true about every area of my life.  I have always been impulsive and impatient.  When I see something I want, I have always tried to figure out a way to get it.  If others are moving slower than me, it is really hard to wait for them and be patient (Maybe Darwin was onto something with that whole “survival of the fittest” thing and this was a natural way of thinning the herd).  That seemed like a great premise until I was the one in the hospital bed that couldn’t keep up, or because I was so tired for the past year I couldn’t do the things at work and home that I normally did. Waiting to go back to the gym seems pretty petty now compared to being patient and waiting on others to develop in their leadership so that I can help them rise to a new level.  I get so impatient with co-workers, friends, volunteers, because they just don’t get it or don’t move fast enough.  I mean, I have to explain it like 5 times—everyone should be able to read my twisted warped mind by now!   

2)  I am unwilling to die to myself so that I can heal properly and can really fully live.   This is such a great leadership principle that is a polar opposite to what culture teaches.  My role as a leader is to serve others, not be served.  I was in the gym (legally, don’t worry) and between sets I many times look for something to do because #1—I am not patient and do not wait well.  So instead of sitting down and resting, or scrolling through Facebook and social media (although I also do that sometimes), I got up and walked around and straightened the room. I put weights back from jerks who left them out, moved cleaning supplies to the different stations, put all the dumbbells nice and straight with their numbers pointing upward and threw away trash that got left from the jerks who did not put their weights up.  A lady in the gym said, “Brice you need to tell the owner you do this for him all the time and maybe he would give you a discount!”  A discount sounds nice doesn’t it, but I learned long ago (even though I fight against it every day of my life) that if I do anything for the appreciation of others I am ALWAYS going to be left disappointed.  Honestly, this is easy at the gym and really, really, really, hard at work.  I always start out strong but then after a while, start to feel unappreciated and I fall back into wanting more praise.  It goes right back to not wanting to die to my wants and desires, or not wanting to wait and allow the process to work itself out.   

3) I am selfish!  And here is the thing, so are you! We all are actually!  Don’t believe me?  Who do you spend the most time on during the day?  Oh sure, we have seasons of small children, but even then we always figure out a way to take care of us.  Its ok and somewhat natural, but many times can get in the way of our healing if we don’t keep it in check.  It can get in the way of us serving others.  It can build a wall where we are not transparent leaders, but leaders who are just “getting ‘er done”.  Selfishness inflates our pride, and pride isolates us from those we are trying to lead. (re-read that) When I am selfish it gives me a false reality of how important I really am, how needed I really am, how together I think that I am. When I get prideful, others drive me nuts, because they can’t do anything right, like I can.  If they would just listen. If I could just hire competent people.  I wish I had spent more time reflecting and planning during this “forced” waiting period.  I usually learn these leadership lessons on the wrong side of the problem, and that once again proved true.  So what should we do to be transparent leaders? 

Simply, the opposite of these 3 things: 

1)  Be patient and wait!  Reflect during these times on what is causing you NOT to sit still well.  Why you feel you have to get back after whatever it is you are trying to get after?  Self-reflection is a great thing if we will take it and apply it to our leadership and how we can use it to help make others better.  If you are Type A personality like me, I promise you have surrounded yourself with others who find their worth in what they do, and not who they are.  They derive their value from their occupation, and not their creation.  The problem with this is what happens when they lose their job, or the contract, or their solution does not work on real life like it did on paper, or the next super star rises faster than they do?  I can tell you first hand—you feel worthless as a human being. I was reminded on my sabbatical however that I am a human BEing not a human DOing.  Therefore, we many times need to stop doing and just start being!  Being present. Being aware.  Being mindful of others.  Being relational.  Being loving.  Being transparent.  Being quiet!  Just being. 

2)  Die to myself, so I can help others truly live. My life is not complete if it is just about me.  I was created to help others grow to their full potential just like others invested in me to grow to where I am at today.  Stop and think about all the people who have invested in you in a good way to help you become the person you are.  I can think of several negative people as well, but we will get to them later (even though they caused pain, wounds, and scars there are still life lessons we have learned that we can take and apply to helping others as well).  I can think of an older gentleman who took me fishing and taught me how to tie flies to fly fish.  I remember catching a few fish and actually still remember how to tie a fly, but I remember more the talks we had on the banks of Sheridan Lake, South Dakota and the life lessons he taught me.  I remember an elementary teacher who invited about 8 kids over to her house one night a week to do a ceramic class. Honestly, I could care less about ceramics but I really respected her and wanted to spend more time with her.  We painted and talked and then talked and painted.  These were some of my best memories of my childhood that sucked in many other ways.  I remember a high school teacher the same way who took stories in literature and showed me how they related to MY life.  Poetry that helped me understand MY pain.  And then, get this, I got to dance with her at prom!  We dance to Bob Seger & the Silver Bullet Band’s Old Time Rock and Roll.  A memory I will never forget.  Or how about that college professor who took me under his arm and invested me and my roommates.  I could go on, but I am sure you have yours as well.  So the question is, “How can I die to myself and use all the good and bad of my life to lift others up?”  In other words, how can I be a transparent leader?

3)  Be SelfLESS—Did you know that generosity is contagious?  Imagine living in a world where people are trying to out give each other?  How cool would that be. “No, I will pick up this check”, for no other reason than I really want to. “Let me help you with that”, not because you need it, but because I just want to hang out.  You go to your neighbor’s house and mow their yard while they are at work, not because it really needed it but because you simply wanted to bless them.  This past summer I could not mow my yard or take care of anything outside due to my surgeries.  I wasn’t supposed to sweat while my neck healed (great thing I live in Florida where it is nice and cool) and then for my second surgery I could not push things or walk much.  I have 2 friends that own lawn companies and they took it upon themselves to take care of this need for me. I didn’t have to ask, and they didn’t ask me – they just did it.  They wanted nothing in return and wouldn’t take NO for an answer.  Imagine if we lived in this kind of world where we all had this desire, focus and (catch this next one) FOLLOW THROUGH.  You have probably said it like me, “Hey, if you need anything at all just let me know.”  That is a weak attempt of trying not to look selfish, but still being selfish because you know you are probably not going to be asked.  But you did your part and cared, right? No. JUST DO IT!  Don’t ask, DO IT!

Hurry up and wait!  It is still not fun, but there is much we can learn in the process of waiting.  I don’t know if you are in a holding pattern, or a season of solitude and waiting, but let me encourage you “wait well.”  Use the opportunity to reflect on yourself, and then how you can help others.  Ask yourself some hard questions during this time, and get transparent so that you can let others see you and so that you can see yourself for who you really are. 

The First Cut is the Deepest!

The First Cut is the Deepest

It was almost time for surgery. This was the first surgery I’ve ever had, in fact it is the first time I have ever been in the hospital other than to visit someone.  I did have stitches as a kid when I fell off the monkey bars (I think those have been outlawed now). Fourteen stitches later I was back hanging upside down showing off for the ladies.  But this time it’s not outpatient, I’m actually being admitted to the hospital. I get a cool open-view gown to wear, an adjustable bed with just enough buttons for a man to feel like he actually has power, and someone at your beckon call when you push one of those magical buttons!  I was about 24 hours away from getting sliced and diced.  The hospital just called with a reminder of all the pre-surgery requirements, most importantly was not to eat or drink anything after 8 p.m. WHAT?!

It was the night before surgery and all through the house,

I was hangry as hell and could have eaten a mouse. 

I could have no water, no food, or no coke,

my mouth was dry and I started to choke. 

The morning came with no food in sight,

But everyone else was eating and I wanted to fight. 

Okay, enough of that!  I was hangry.  I have eaten 6 meals a day for the past two years.  I get up at 4 a.m. every morning and eat my first meal before going to the gym and then eat immediately when I get home, and then another meal about 10:30 a.m.  My surgery was scheduled for 10 am so basically I was missing my first three meals and by the time I woke up and in my room, I should have been eating my fifth meal.  That is missing nearly two days of meals for the average man!  This was not cool.  I will admit now that I did take a few drinks of water, chewed some gum and ate 5 pieces of Cinnamon Toast Crunch.  Desperate times call for desperate measures. 

About a week or so prior to my surgery I asked my “friends” on Facebook to help me come up with a surgery playlist.  Most of my friends understood the challenge but a few of them missed the mission totally only making it even funnier (most of them were blond, but I won’t mention that).  It was simple: “Suggest songs that I can listen to prior to surgery and after, that have surgery references in them or lyrics that could be translated in a weird way to support this mission.”  I received over 175 songs!  That is awesome and my friends are so warped which I also love.  There were easy ones like Bryan Adams, “Cuts Like A Knife” or Sheryl Crow’s “The First Cut Is The Deepest”, to the more obscure ones like “Staying Alive” or “Another One Bites The Dust” (Which is also a GREAT wedding anthem I might add). 

I had my bag packed for my overnight adventure, music loaded, phone, charger, and a large snack bag for the After Surgery Party. I really wasn’t nervous.  I had never had this experience, so really did not know what to be nervous about other than the doctor having too much caffeine and getting the shakes before he started slitting my neck, but he was a professional so I trusted him.  We finally arrived to the hospital in Panama City (Yep, the same town that was destroyed by a hurricane less than a year earlier).  I figured just to up the difficulty level of having surgery, you might as well go to a war zone and have it done!  The hospital was awesome and got us checked in and we went to sit and wait until we were called for pre-op.  One of my coworkers/friends came by to hang out for a bit and pray with me.  They called me back and we got up and started to walk out.  The nurse awkwardly asked if my friend (male) was coming back to the pre-surgery area.  So, I appropriately introduced him (just to have a little fun) as my partner (coworker-partner, whatever).  It was fun to watch them both squirm. 

I arrived in the pre-surgery area and got my air-conditioned robe, baggie to put my valuables in, and fancy socks with grips.  I got in my bed with buttons and got ready for the barrage of questions that would be repeated about 1000 times.  Can you tell me your name? Yes! (Awkward Silence! I was taught never to ask a close ended question unless you didn’t want an answer) I always relented and finally gave it to them:  Benjamin Brice Early.  What is your birthday?  May 23. (Are you going to send me a card?)  Do you have any allergies?  Pollen.  Have you ever had any problem with drugs administered during anesthesia? I have never had anesthesia, but I have never had a problem with drugs—I have liked every one I ever took!  (God help these nurses).  Do you struggle with depression? Only when they play rap music on the radio.  Can you tell me why you are here today?  Well, I was the 10th caller and won a free spa day and here I am!  And the list went on and so did my answers!  Every time a new person came in they asked the same series of questions I gave the same series of answers, at least for a while.  Sometimes it gets tiring being so funny. 

They came to put in my IV for fluids and get me ready for my drug cocktail.  Now this may sound weird (shocker), but nurses get pretty excited about sticking me with needles.  I have great veins!  I have been to other doctors’ appointments where one nurse will call another one back to look at my veins—I felt like such a piece of meat!  Or another appointment where they were simply doing my weight and blood pressure, but once that blood pressure cuff tightened up the nurse looked at me and said, “I would like to get you in the lab to draw blood.”  It felt a little forward, but I took it as a compliment.  So, I knew I wasn’t going to disappoint for my first surgery ever.  My nurse got a little twinkle in her eyes when she saw these blue veins staring her down. 

My anesthesiologist came by to talk about what she would be doing.  After asking me 20 questions, she asked if I wanted Pina Colada flavor for my drug cocktail (I like her).  I told her no it was too sweet but I would like to keep it tropical.  She asked, “Margarita?”.  No, to salty, been watching my sodium levels so I don’t retain water. It is almost speedo season.  I told her I would prefer to go with the Long Island Iced Tea. We laughed and she drugged me…

Finally, the doctor came in and gave the final orders and asked if I had any questions.  I couldn’t resist, so I started with:

1) Can you tell me your full name?

2) Why are you here today? 

3)  When is your birthday?

4) Is there anyone at home that makes you feel unsafe? (that is a fun one to answer)

5) Is there someone here that will drive you home after work?

I stopped there in light of time, but I think they got the point.  No questions.  I told all my new nurse and doctor friends it’s been nice knowing you as they put all my hair in a new plastic cap as if I was going to go prep some food somewhere, and then they wheeled me off. 

We went through some big metal doors and into the operating room.  I was a little nervous at this point, not due to the surgery, but mainly due to my open air gown and the table I was going on was cold medal.  And then at the foot of the bed they rolled up a covered table and where they then took the white sheet off of it as they adjusted the lights above my head for my upcoming photo shoot (I guess).  Laying on the table were about 200 really shiny surgery tools.  At that point I took it upon myself to remind them that I was only there to get a tumor taken out of my neck and apologized for all of jokes about a spa day. 

That’s all I remember.  It was pretty magical. Nothing!  Blank! (they should bottle that stuff and send it with you to staff meetings or family reunions) I woke up in another room I had not been in, with nurses I had never seen, on a different table.  My first thought was, I sure hope the transfer with this open air gown went ok. My second thought, YES—new people to work my jokes on.  New nurses came by asking if I felt ok.  Really?  I had no clue how I felt.  They did keep offering me ice chips so I took them.  I finally asked if they had any flavored snow cones.  The doctor came out and spoke to my wife while I was in recovery. Everything went great, better than great.  He expected a 4-6 hour surgery and was able to finish in 1.5 hours. (AWESOME--That means I have only missed 4 instead of 5 meals!)  No nerve damage and no neurological damage that we can see (Thank God, because I didn’t have much to work with) and your tumor was pretty impressive in size (Well thank you very much doctor).  He only had to make a 7-8-inch incision instead of a 14-16 inch because he could reach down into my chest cavity and pull it right out (Okay, that is gross).

I was pretty bored for the next hour as I laid there eating non flavored ice chips and talking to random nurses to pass the time. I even tried to talk to some other patients that were coming out of surgery to see if I could get any good dirt on them, but the nurses started shutting curtains like this was not normal behavior.  Must be those hippopotamus rules they try to keep around here.  Finally, another new nurse came and got me and wheeled me to my room where I got a fancy bed with buttons.  I could even operate the TV from my bed.  Why would anyone want to trade this in and go home.  It was genius!  Do you know how many times a day I lose the remote?  Or when I need to get someone’s attention in the other room I have to scream across the house, but now I can just push a button.

The rest of time was pretty uneventful. Some new nurses arrived, so I was able to recycle some old jokes, blue veins, protein bars, and the occasional push of the nurse’s station button just to make sure my bed was working.  Don’t worry I always told them something important when I called like, “thanks for dinner it was really great”, or “Good night, I will see you in morning unless you have a shift change or I die and if so it was great to meet you.”   I am sure they really appreciated this personal touch. 

Tumor Extraction Party Day, with my wife, Jordin

I sat and continued to listen to my surgery play list and take in the experience as I listened to “Cuts like a Knife” and “First Cut is the Deepest”.  I started thinking about life and the surgeries that we all probably need to undergo.  Not physical ones necessarily, but emotional, spiritual, mental, etc.  It was interesting how many people touched my chart from the time I arrived to the time I left.  Well over 30 people I can remember. Over 30 people for a tumor!  What would it look like if we allowed 30 people around us to help us with the tumors of our life. The tumor of abuse as a kid or an adult.  The tumor of addiction.  The tumor of depression or anxiety.  The tumor of unethical decisions.  The tumor of a failing marriage.  The tumor of a broken dream, a lost job, a friendship gone bad, a miscarriage, a health report, a rebellious child, a distant parent. Tumors come in many shapes and sizes don’t they?  They are placed all through our lives and affect us even when we don’t realize it. 

It took me over a year to even have my tumor in my neck looked at.  It took me over 20 years to have the tumor of sexual abuse looked at.  Thirty people are you kidding me?  Wouldn’t it be easier to just learn to live with the tumor?  Yes, and no.  Yes, you can live with it but it will have its consequences. It reminds me of throwing a rock into the water of a lake and watching the ripple effect go out from where the rock started the motion.  Did you know even after you can’t see the ripple effect it is still going, in fact it hits the shore and then bounces off and starts coming back. Trauma (no matter how small we think it is) does the same thing.  When it happens in our lives it is like the rock dropping in the water and from that the ripple effects and consequences start happening and it doesn’t matter what is in the way IT WILL affect them (and us).  You may not even be able to see the consequences at first but they are there and will eventually break through. 

I started to think about all the training and organization that went into my neck surgery.  The parking valet for patients, the receptionist girl that welcomed me and got me registered, to the nurses, doctors and even home health care folks that came by to make sure I had everything I needed when I left.  How different this is than how we care for one another in our lives in the midst of our trauma and surgeries that are needed.  Oh, we might have one or two professionals helping us (if we are really brave) and a couple friends we have let know what is happening (at least sort of know). But what would happen if we purposely surrounded ourselves with other transparent leaders with different skill sets to lighten our load during our surgery so that when we are healed up, we can do the same for them and others.  Imagine your family, your team at work, your circle of friends, your neighbors (even that guy that won’t mow his yard) ALL working together in tandem helping you.  Seems a little strange doesn’t it unless you are in the hospital.  I wonder how excited and confident you would feel in the operating room and if it was only the doctor and one other person.  The same two people admitted you, took your vitals, parked your car, registered you, gave you the good drugs, rolled you down to surgery, did surgery, hung out with you afterwards, took you to recovery and then to your room, went and got your food, came running every time you pushed your buttons on the magic bed, and then went and printed your papers for discharge.  That seems even MORE strange and dangerous, and you would agree that the level of care would drop dramatically and you probably would just want to keep the tumor because it was safer. 

Stay with me for just another couple paragraphs.  Maybe, this is why we try to live with so much pain in our lives.  We don’t have anyone to help us.  If we do, it is only one or two people and I hope you can see that is not enough.  You see, transparent leadership involves everyone in your tribe, not just the warriors.  Everyone caring for everyone so everyone can be better.  That sounds like a pretty counter cultural view of leadership doesn’t it?  I thought I was supposed to rise to the top and tell those who are below me what to do so we can make more money, have more power, create more influence?  That would be closer to being a great dictator or at best a king rather than leader. 

Who in your life do you need to let in?  I promise there are people waiting and wanting to help—they just don’t know.  And here is some free insight from my life.  It is actually easier to deal with my old tumors in life—the ones that are there that need to be dealt with but seem to be lying dormant—rather than the new developing tumors that are happening in real time that I can see every time I look in the mirror, or go to work, or engage with certain people.  But here is the thing that I have found in life—EVERY TUMOR IS CONNECTED IN SOME WAY(S).  It’s the ripple effect in the water. They all keep crossing and bumping into each other affecting the direction of my choices in life.  Most of the time I find my past tumors have unfortunately helped form my new ones.  The attitudes, behaviors, insights or lack thereof that I have come out of my inability to process the tumors I had in my life as a child, teenager, and young adult. 

I need help and so do you, and just like Sheryl Crow said, the first cut is the deepest, but it opens the wounds of life to breath. And I hear they can even heal if we surround ourselves with the right people and enough of them. My encouragement is to gather your tribe and be brave and trust them to talk alongside of you.  Share your tumor(s) with them.  Show it to them.  And let them play their role in helping you heal so you can help others do the same.  Being a transparent leader sucks some times, but as you work through the pain or problem you and everyone around you rises to a new level.  One last piece of advice and I will stop typing.  If you don’t feel like you aren’t making progress its okay to go get a second or third opinion, but I would also challenge you to see how many people you have brought around you - maybe it’s time to expand your tribe!