Hurry Up and Wait!
I was discharged from my neck surgery to go home, heal, and to wait. Recovery was supposed to take 4-6 weeks, and this included not lifting anything over 10 lbs. (which is basically a gallon of milk). I weighed the vacuum cleaner and would you believe it was 11 pounds…
Hurry Up and Wait!
I was discharged from my neck surgery to go home, heal, and to wait. Recovery was supposed to take 4-6 weeks, and this included not lifting anything over 10 lbs. (which is basically a gallon of milk). I weighed the vacuum cleaner and would you believe it was 11 pounds. Dang it! The trash can was 12 pounds (I might have put something heavy in it before weighing it)! Double Dang! Laundry basket was easily 15 pounds! I HATE THAT I can’t do these things and now I have to hire a house cleaner, yard care, and a pool boy (Let the sarcasm ooze). My goal of making myself NOT go to the gym 25 days in 2019 was going to be fulfilled, and then blown out of the water. Seriously, what would it would REALLY do? Don’t doctors just cover their butts by saying 4-6 weeks, when they really mean 2-3 weeks?
Sitting is not something I do well. I get up at 4:00 a.m. and hit the ground running. I usually go as fast as I can all day long until I recharge at 8:00 p.m. (This routine got really complicated this last year and I will deal with that more in upcoming chapters of my continued saga.) Hurry up and wait!
So now, there was no real reason to get up early since I can’t go to the gym—but I did! No real reason to stay on your special diet to eat clean and healthy—but I did! No real reason to keep the same schedule throughout the day eating 6 meals (except lifting weights that was off limits)—but I did! I quickly learned that keeping a schedule was one of the most beneficial things I could do for myself. I filled my time with typing thoughts I had been wrestling with in a journal. Doing the things around the house I could do, without overworking myself. Don’t worry, I was able to resist picking up the vacuum and trash! Took a few naps to help the healing process. Got off of the narcotics as soon as I could (This was more to save a few pills in-case family came to visit). And went back and started re-watching all the episodes of Seinfeld to brush up on my one liners and party references.
But after about a week, I was bored to death! I called the doctor and asked what physical activity I could do after 7-10 days of being a pretty good boy. His response surprised me. “Brice, your blood vessels and veins in your neck were about 7-10 times larger than the average man (I knew I was way above average so I asked if he could relay this to my friends). Because of that, the walls of those blood vessels and veins are much thinner. If you choose to lift weights and strain at any level above what I told you, you will most likely blow one of them, bleed out and die”. (Well, that seems a little dramatic) So, my follow up question was pretty stupid thinking about it now, but I did ask, “So you are saying absolutely NO lifting, not even the pink girl weights?” Doctor, “DID YOU HEAR ANYTHING I JUST SAID?” Yes. Hurry up and wait.
So what do I do for 3-4 more weeks? Sure, I go back to work in a week, but that still did not fill the void of time and energy that I needed to exert. I went back to writing more in my journal, but honestly there are only so many feelings I want to see on paper. I continued to wipe the counters but they were pretty freaking clean. After getting off of the narcotics, I finally got my car keys back which meant I could do grocery pick up. Unloading the car took forever, due to the fact 10-11 pounds adds up quickly, so I made numerous trips back and forth to the car to unload everything. It didn’t take long and again I was BORED! Hurry up and wait.
When I got back to work everyone watched over me like a hawk. “Don’t do that,” “stop lifting things.” I know they all did it out of love, (except for one of them who I think always had dreamed of telling me what to do) but I was tired of waiting, and tired of being told what I couldn’t do. I had people bringing me things at work and at home that were over the 10 lb. weight limit. I was starting to feel helpless, and honestly starting to get angry. Not at the people, but at the process. Waiting sucks. It’s for non-driven people. Lazy ones, I told myself. I am a type A++++ personality and waiting must be for type B,C,D, and especially type F people. I had too much to do, and what I had to do was obviously too important for me to be living this way. How will the world survive with me sitting on the sidelines?! I should have just had the stupid tumor drained and just lived with it. Then I could be doing important stuff, because I am SO important! (I hope you are sensing my sarcasm and not narcissism)…
Week 4 of recovery finally arrived—The doctor said I could start lifting after four weeks (He actually said 4-6 weeks, due to the size of my tumor the and the amount of real estate it took up in my neck, so the longer I waited the better). But what I heard was FOUR WEEKS! So I made plans to go back to the gym but that idea was nixed until I saw the doctor for my follow up and he medically cleared me. The last conversation we had didn’t go my way, and I didn’t anticipate this one being received with open arms either. I called the office and left word with his nurse and got a call back fairly quickly that went something like this:
“Mr. Early”. Yes. “Dr. Gibson wanted to see if you remembered the last conversation you all had about how big your tumor was and the trauma it caused in your neck?” My first response was to say NO, but then was afraid he would bring me back in to see if there was any neurological damage and add more conditions to my recovery time. So I was honest and said “Yes, but he had stated 4-6 weeks and I am feeling great and thought I would check to see if I could start going back to the gym and going light” (I did not define what light meant). Nurse, “He said ABSOLUTELY NO LIFTING not even the ‘pink weights’ as you described them (by the way this was a female nurse and she sounded very put off by my description of “pink weights”), but he did say you could go back to the gym and start walking on a flat treadmill for 20 minutes a day with no incline.” (Dang, that was specific and he obviously knew I would cheat if he was not).
However, I just felt like I had won a hostage negotiation, and talked him down into giving in a little to my demands. I was back in the door baby! Back on the treadmill, like a rat chasing cheese! I got to go see all the people that I know, but don’t really KNOW, aka my “Gym Friends.” I envisioned myself walking back into the gym and everyone having prepared a run-through for me like they have on the high school football field. I saw myself stepping up on the treadmill and almost floating as I cranked the speed up to a whopping 3.0 miles per hour. So I laid out my gym clothes that night (it was like picking out an outfit for prom—it had to be just the right one, I mean I had to look good). I put on my lucky ball cap (go back and reread that chapter) and set out the door at 4 am.
When I arrived at the gym there was no run through, no high fives, no floating on a treadmill and very few we missed you’s. Did no one miss me or even know I was gone? It was kind of a humbling experience. It made me wonder how many people I had not noticed, who had been gone for longer than I had.
After a couple days of doing cardio as bad as I wanted to keep doing it, I couldn’t. Due to pushing myself further than what the doctor allowed and going 3.4-3.6 at a 2-4 grade, it caused me to strain in breathing, which caused my neck to hurt a lot! I know, keep shaking your head, it gets worse I promise. Everyone around me told me to take it easy. My family, my friends, the people at work said “DON’T OVER DO IT!” (Like they were just waiting for me to fail). My doctor said to take it easy. I even got in my car one morning and the Eagles were singing, “Take it Easy.” Ironically I had been going over my 60 plus pages of notes from my 6-week summer sabbatical where the whole purpose was to take it easy. But I don’t know how to take it easy, not for very long anyway. I don’t sit well. I don’t wait well. Therefore, I don’t heal well. Hurry up and wait!
I learned three things about myself during this “time out”:
1) I am not patient and do not wait well. This is true about every area of my life. I have always been impulsive and impatient. When I see something I want, I have always tried to figure out a way to get it. If others are moving slower than me, it is really hard to wait for them and be patient (Maybe Darwin was onto something with that whole “survival of the fittest” thing and this was a natural way of thinning the herd). That seemed like a great premise until I was the one in the hospital bed that couldn’t keep up, or because I was so tired for the past year I couldn’t do the things at work and home that I normally did. Waiting to go back to the gym seems pretty petty now compared to being patient and waiting on others to develop in their leadership so that I can help them rise to a new level. I get so impatient with co-workers, friends, volunteers, because they just don’t get it or don’t move fast enough. I mean, I have to explain it like 5 times—everyone should be able to read my twisted warped mind by now!
2) I am unwilling to die to myself so that I can heal properly and can really fully live. This is such a great leadership principle that is a polar opposite to what culture teaches. My role as a leader is to serve others, not be served. I was in the gym (legally, don’t worry) and between sets I many times look for something to do because #1—I am not patient and do not wait well. So instead of sitting down and resting, or scrolling through Facebook and social media (although I also do that sometimes), I got up and walked around and straightened the room. I put weights back from jerks who left them out, moved cleaning supplies to the different stations, put all the dumbbells nice and straight with their numbers pointing upward and threw away trash that got left from the jerks who did not put their weights up. A lady in the gym said, “Brice you need to tell the owner you do this for him all the time and maybe he would give you a discount!” A discount sounds nice doesn’t it, but I learned long ago (even though I fight against it every day of my life) that if I do anything for the appreciation of others I am ALWAYS going to be left disappointed. Honestly, this is easy at the gym and really, really, really, hard at work. I always start out strong but then after a while, start to feel unappreciated and I fall back into wanting more praise. It goes right back to not wanting to die to my wants and desires, or not wanting to wait and allow the process to work itself out.
3) I am selfish! And here is the thing, so are you! We all are actually! Don’t believe me? Who do you spend the most time on during the day? Oh sure, we have seasons of small children, but even then we always figure out a way to take care of us. Its ok and somewhat natural, but many times can get in the way of our healing if we don’t keep it in check. It can get in the way of us serving others. It can build a wall where we are not transparent leaders, but leaders who are just “getting ‘er done”. Selfishness inflates our pride, and pride isolates us from those we are trying to lead. (re-read that) When I am selfish it gives me a false reality of how important I really am, how needed I really am, how together I think that I am. When I get prideful, others drive me nuts, because they can’t do anything right, like I can. If they would just listen. If I could just hire competent people. I wish I had spent more time reflecting and planning during this “forced” waiting period. I usually learn these leadership lessons on the wrong side of the problem, and that once again proved true. So what should we do to be transparent leaders?
Simply, the opposite of these 3 things:
1) Be patient and wait! Reflect during these times on what is causing you NOT to sit still well. Why you feel you have to get back after whatever it is you are trying to get after? Self-reflection is a great thing if we will take it and apply it to our leadership and how we can use it to help make others better. If you are Type A personality like me, I promise you have surrounded yourself with others who find their worth in what they do, and not who they are. They derive their value from their occupation, and not their creation. The problem with this is what happens when they lose their job, or the contract, or their solution does not work on real life like it did on paper, or the next super star rises faster than they do? I can tell you first hand—you feel worthless as a human being. I was reminded on my sabbatical however that I am a human BEing not a human DOing. Therefore, we many times need to stop doing and just start being! Being present. Being aware. Being mindful of others. Being relational. Being loving. Being transparent. Being quiet! Just being.
2) Die to myself, so I can help others truly live. My life is not complete if it is just about me. I was created to help others grow to their full potential just like others invested in me to grow to where I am at today. Stop and think about all the people who have invested in you in a good way to help you become the person you are. I can think of several negative people as well, but we will get to them later (even though they caused pain, wounds, and scars there are still life lessons we have learned that we can take and apply to helping others as well). I can think of an older gentleman who took me fishing and taught me how to tie flies to fly fish. I remember catching a few fish and actually still remember how to tie a fly, but I remember more the talks we had on the banks of Sheridan Lake, South Dakota and the life lessons he taught me. I remember an elementary teacher who invited about 8 kids over to her house one night a week to do a ceramic class. Honestly, I could care less about ceramics but I really respected her and wanted to spend more time with her. We painted and talked and then talked and painted. These were some of my best memories of my childhood that sucked in many other ways. I remember a high school teacher the same way who took stories in literature and showed me how they related to MY life. Poetry that helped me understand MY pain. And then, get this, I got to dance with her at prom! We dance to Bob Seger & the Silver Bullet Band’s Old Time Rock and Roll. A memory I will never forget. Or how about that college professor who took me under his arm and invested me and my roommates. I could go on, but I am sure you have yours as well. So the question is, “How can I die to myself and use all the good and bad of my life to lift others up?” In other words, how can I be a transparent leader?
3) Be SelfLESS—Did you know that generosity is contagious? Imagine living in a world where people are trying to out give each other? How cool would that be. “No, I will pick up this check”, for no other reason than I really want to. “Let me help you with that”, not because you need it, but because I just want to hang out. You go to your neighbor’s house and mow their yard while they are at work, not because it really needed it but because you simply wanted to bless them. This past summer I could not mow my yard or take care of anything outside due to my surgeries. I wasn’t supposed to sweat while my neck healed (great thing I live in Florida where it is nice and cool) and then for my second surgery I could not push things or walk much. I have 2 friends that own lawn companies and they took it upon themselves to take care of this need for me. I didn’t have to ask, and they didn’t ask me – they just did it. They wanted nothing in return and wouldn’t take NO for an answer. Imagine if we lived in this kind of world where we all had this desire, focus and (catch this next one) FOLLOW THROUGH. You have probably said it like me, “Hey, if you need anything at all just let me know.” That is a weak attempt of trying not to look selfish, but still being selfish because you know you are probably not going to be asked. But you did your part and cared, right? No. JUST DO IT! Don’t ask, DO IT!
Hurry up and wait! It is still not fun, but there is much we can learn in the process of waiting. I don’t know if you are in a holding pattern, or a season of solitude and waiting, but let me encourage you “wait well.” Use the opportunity to reflect on yourself, and then how you can help others. Ask yourself some hard questions during this time, and get transparent so that you can let others see you and so that you can see yourself for who you really are.
