When You Really Need a Friend!

When You Really Need a Friend!

Some days more than others we just really need a friend. That might be the first thing you completely agree with in this read. That’s okay! I know leaders are not always good at friendships. I also know the larger the organization one leads, the smaller the circle of friends they usually have. Seems like it should be the opposite, doesn’t it? Don’t get me wrong—we have tons of “social media friends” and networking friendships, but very few have really close friends. They may even have a coach or mentor, but not close friends—the type of friends who are closer than a brother or sister. I know that I fit into this category and as I talk to friends in high places of leadership, the ones who have overcome this are the ones who are VERY intentional about developing and maintaining friendships. I am an introvert and want to be alone many times, but sometimes no matter how much I may want be alone I continue to discover that I need to have a friend there with me! Can you relate to that?

This is exactly what happened for me at the Mayo Clinic—I needed a friend. Test #1 was over and I headed back to a night alone at the hotel across town. They have a nice complementary salad bar/snack hour for guests, so I decided to make this my dinner and just stay in and watch a movie and get ready for the continued fun tomorrow. I figured more sleep is what I needed the most, not another 32 oz. Bison Steak from Montana Ted’s (although that is always a close second). So I got my salad plate and filled it as high as I could and sat down and pretended I was eating bison. I was the only one who was sitting by myself in the dining area and I thought to myself that it would be nice to have someone to eat with (as long as they didn’t talk too much and ask me questions about what just happened at the Mayo Clinic). Fortunately, there was a TV showing the headline news so I stared at it like I was interested and actually cared about what they were talking about. After a couple plates of rabbit food, I felt full enough and headed up to my room for the night.

Why in the world do hotel TVs have to be so difficult to operate? Isn’t there a Universal TV Programming package that all hotels could be mandated to use? But I regress! I finally found a movie I had not seen and looked halfway interesting, so I laid down on the bed to watch it. As normal, I fell asleep in about 8.5 minutes. Don’t worry, that didn’t last long because 30 minutes later I had to get up and pee. Welcome to my world. After the movie was over and after four more bathroom breaks just to keep it real, I finally turned off the TV and went to bed about 9 p.m. It was a normal night of having to get up another 8 times over the next seven hours. My alarm went off at 4:30 a.m. so I got up and went on downstairs to the room they called a gym. This is the same time I get up nearly every morning. If I sleep in late, I would be getting up at 5:30 a.m. After a short work out (mainly because there was no equipment) I went out to the lobby and had a cup of coffee before going up to my room to get ready for my day.

Unfortunately, I was not supposed to eat any solid foods due to one of my tests, but was allowed to have liquids--but only two cups of coffee (which is cruel and unusual punishment as far as I am concerned). So I sipped my first cup of sweet nectar from heaven and for the second one, was planning to pick up as big a cup that I could buy from Starbucks, with a couple extra shots of caffeinated love-juice to sip on for the rest of the morning. I took a quick shower and packed up my items and headed to the car to go find the closest Starbucks and then head over for my next appointment.

I arrived just as I was supposed to and checked in 30 minutes prior to my appointment. Good job! But here is where it gets interesting. Something new was in my instructions to do prior to my appointment. I had never done this before and the last time I had this test done they did not make me do this. Maybe that is why they didn’t find anything? Maybe that is why the Mayo Clinic is called the Disney World of hospitals? I am not sure, but when I checked in, they had me sign my life away again and told me in 15 minutes I need to go get an enema. A what? “An E-N-E-M-A” — as if I was hard at hearing. I heard you, I just went into a bit of shock because the last time my doctor did this particular test, I did not do an enema. The nurse asked me if my doctor was at the Mayo Clinic, to which I said no. She smiled and looked back at me and said, “Well, that is why, but we need you to do one now.” The nurse asked, “So, what type of Enema would you like?” Seriously? I didn’t know they came in “types.” Are types sizes (because if so I want a really small one)? Do you have any self-inserting ones? How about a scented one? I prefer Clean Linen! She was not amused and said the type depended on the type of test. She looked at my paperwork and put the box in a plastic bag (due to the shame of carrying it where people could see) and sent me back to my seat.

I had never done anything like this, so I went and sat in the back row so nobody could see me open the box and I slid out the instructions. THANK GOD THERE ARE PICTURES IN THESE INSTRUCTIONS! As a guy I rarely read instructions! Who needs them? And if I do get caught reading them, I automatically lose a man card. But this time I felt I should really read through them so as to not hurt myself or someone else standing nearby. There were 16 steps! Really! I looked up online one time and found instructions on “How to disarm a pipe bomb” and it was only 14 steps. I can go and stop virtually any bad habit or addiction with only “12 steps.” And for crying out loud, we are all only 6 steps/degrees or relationships from knowing someone who knows Kevin Bacon! 16 steps for an enema!? I finally got my composure back and realized it was almost game time or at least time for the enema pre-game special. I was 20 minutes out from my exam. I felt like I was cramming (no pun intended) for my college finals, so I looked over the instructions again and gave myself a pep-talk, “You got this, Brice!”

Although this was my first time having an enema, I knew I wasn’t supposed to do this in the lobby while people were waiting, so I went back to the nurse’s station and told them I was ready for my enema. I said it really soft so not to draw attention to myself. Unfortunately, all the nurses heard me and started laughing—so much for not drawing attention to myself. One of the nurses looked at me with a big smile (trying not to laugh) and said, “Oh, honey you have to give that to yourself, unless you brought a friend!” My first thought was, “at least she called me honey—I love the South,’” and then I thought, “What the hell!” Seriously? First, the instructions showed two people and one of them looked like they were in a nurse’s outfit. Second, I am not flexible AT ALL! I really think if I try this alone I am going to pull something or get stuck in a position I DO NOT want anyone to find me in. Third: This is why you need to have VERY good friends. Fourth: Why did I not bring a VERY good friend?

So, I headed off to the bathroom and immediately took the handicap stall so I could spread out and have a little room to move (if I needed it). I don’t know how many germs are on the bathroom walls and floor of the 3rd floor restroom at the Mayo Clinic, but I was up and personal with every one of them! I stretched out a little bit so I didn’t pull a hamstring, and then I laid out all my medical tools (at least that’s what I am calling the items in the box) and instructions on the diaper changing table (thank God for those). I glanced back through instructions and started to get ready for the big event. As an aside, when I am building something and accidentally skip one of the instructions, I can usually figure it out pretty fast and back track quickly so that I can finish everything correctly. However, I only had one enema kit and there was no way that I was walking back up there and asking those nurses for another one. Go slowly, Brice, go slowly. And that is exactly what I did, except I missed one of the instructions--and a very important one.

All the parts lay there on the changing table and I had already scrubbed in as if I was about to perform open heart surgery. I then quickly followed instructions one through eight and I was moving through this like an “enema boss”. Step #8—“Insert nozzle into rectum.” I then started on Step #10 but it didn’t work so I couldn’t go to step 11 and 12. I tried to do it over and over again but the results were the same. I could not eject the fluid from the container and now my muscles in my legs were starting to cinch up from this pretzel like position I had to be in for like 4 hours (at least that’s what it felt like). I read back over the instructions and realized that I had skipped step 9. Step #9—“Please remove the plastic safety seal and safety cap from the top of the enema nozzle so that the fluid can release smoothly.” What? So you are telling me that I stuck that thing up in there with my ONLY package of lube and I squeezed on that thing like I was going to rip it in two and it was not only covered with a safety cap but also a plastic safety seal over the cap. WHY? Is there a big outbreak of people tampering with enemas across the country? After cleaning the tip off (I added this in later so you would not be left wondering), I took off the safety seal and safety top! Step #9 complete, but now I am out of lubrication for a smooth entry. Well, I only saw two options.

OPTION #1: I could get dressed and try to somehow hold my stall so no one who is actually handicapped takes it while I run out to the nurse’s station and somehow try to make asking the question sound cool, “Can I have some more lube please? My first batch was not NEAR enough!” No thanks!

OPTION #2: I was going to just have to do it the old fashion way—Grin and bear it! Well option #1 was NOT going to happen so #2 it is! Well, I succeeded and finished the enema and then went back to sit in the waiting room to wait for my name to be called. I was squeaky clean and I swear every one of the nurses kept staring at me and giggling under their breath. I didn’t care! I felt like an Olympic athlete and was really proud of what I had just accomplished on my own, but I really wish I would had brought a friend.

Thinking about this experience, I don’t know if I have a friend who would have agreed to this (at least sober)! And, thinking about this I don’t know if I would do this for one of my friends. I would hope I would, but, it was pretty nasty doing it to myself. Then I started asking myself, “Who do I love enough to do this for? My kids—sure! My wife—maybe?” I am sure I would for her but it would take a few good runs at it to make it happen and I know I would have some great jokes. Would I do it for someone who I would consider my best or at least better friends? Well, 1) They would have to ask me (I would never give an enema to someone who didn’t ask—that would really take them by surprise), 2) How they ask me would have to be normal circumstances like on the phone or in person sharing their health struggles, NOT over dinner for two, and 3) We would need to have a formal agreement written that we would never joke or speak about this again. That last one is important because if I didn’t agree to that and I helped a friend do this, I would joke about it the rest of his life. “Hey, remember that one time at the Mayo Clinic bathroom where I forgot to take off the plastic safety cap while giving you an enema? Yeah, that was a good time!” Can you imagine walking into the bathroom and hearing that conversation on the other side of the divider? That would be funny!

Did I have any friends like this in my life? It became my litmus test to help me measure how good of friends I have in my life and how good of a friend I was. Everyone should have at least 3 friends (other than relatives) who would be willing to give you an enema in a public restroom any time you need one! Don’t worry, I didn’t go around asking my friends if they would, but I did look for characteristics in them that might lead them to say yes. It also challenged me to invest in these friendships in a different way when I asked the question the opposite way...,”Would I be willing to give them an enema in a public restroom any time THEY needed one?” I don’t know what this would reveal about you, but this revealed some insecurities in my life and helped me to see that I was a pretty lazy friend at times. I think it is normal to take our friends for granted—until we need one to be there for us in a hard time of life. It also reinforced my theory that I continue to see over and over again: The larger the organization a leader is in charge of, the fewer close friends they have. Especially the friends that would give them an enema.

So what do you look for in a friend? Loyalty? That is a good trait! Fun to be around? That is probably needed. How about loving? Not really one we identify when we are looking for a friend, but a trait we love to see in them when they are our friend! Empathy? The older I have gotten this has become more important in my friendships. In fact, it has really helped me categorize my friendships from people who are “acquaintances,” “friendlies,” “friends,” or “close friends”.

Acquaintances are those whom we know and we are nice to each other, laugh together, but really don’t know much about each other. In fact, we may know more about our organization or someone who is a common friend than we actually know about each other. I have hundreds of these.

Friendlies are people who are more than an acquaintance. I see them often and we have short conversations. I know who their spouse and kids are and maybe even an interest or two, but if they would have asked me how all my medical stuff was going during this journey I would have given them the 20-thousand-foot view and not too many details.

Friends are the people who were reaching out by phone, texts, cards, or email and letting me know they were praying for me during all my medical procedures and surgeries. They would check in regularly and didn’t ask if I needed anything, but instead just did something. They brought a meal or came by to take the kids to get ice cream.

Close Friends are the people who took the kids and took my wife to be sure they were getting what they needed. It is the close friend who has a lawn care business who said, “I am going to take care of your yard all season—it is the least I can do.” It’s the handful of people we trust to leave our kids with for 3-5 days while I was in the hospital and needed rest and they did it without blinking. It’s the ones that showed up with Starbucks and didn’t expect a conversation, but were just present giving me space to say or feel whatever I needed too. These are my “enema friends.”

I could go on and on about the different character traits of these different levels of friends, but I want you to think of the friends that you have on these different levels and to define them for yourself. After you have done that, define yourself to each of these friend levels. In other words, how would people you see as friends… see you? I think we all have things we need to work on to be better friends—I know I do—but I also think we have to be very intentional. We need to be as intentional about our friendships as we are about the systems we are implementing to grow the organizations we are leading. Unfortunately, that is rarely, if ever, the case. I know for me—I am so focused on what is ahead of me I can easily ignore everything and everyone around me. However, when I talk to some of the most influential leaders I know, they have developed a different rhythm and have included close friendships as a core priority. They have figured out that they are better together than they are alone. I do believe that you will have friends that will drift between these categories, but I also believe we need 3-4 friends alongside of us to simply do life together in a much deeper way. Close friends that are tried and true are those who have been there for you for years. They have seen the flaws and cracks in your life, and you have seen theirs, but you love each other more (not less) because of them. When you have that kind of friend in your life, you can rest assured that you will always have someone who will give you an enema!

When Good Isn't Good Enough

When Good Isn’t Good Enough

So, here I was at with the best doctors in our region and they were out of answers. I had screened them, check their references, asked friends and several of their colleagues who I should go to and they had done all that they could do. For crying out loud, I had even checked them out on Web MD. They were good, but not good enough. Kind of like how Doritos are good, but not as good as Pringles. Or how in the 80s Ratt was a good band, but not as good as Van Halen. Maybe this is better for the sports fans out there--the Colts are good, but not as good as the Patriots (and I am not even a Patriots fan).

Sometimes good is not good enough, but here is what I noticed. My doctors were the best in our region, but they did not have the resources of doctors in other regions. One of my doctors had practiced at MD Anderson in Houston and another one had done his residence at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester Massachusetts. They were good, but not good enough.

I went to my appointment at the urologist and the doctor sat me down and said he has done everything that he can do except a surgery--which he normally only does on 70-80 year olds (I am getting old but not near that yet). I knew I didn’t want to do that, but didn’t know what else to do. The 7 different pills he tried didn’t work. The test that caused me to never be able to look my nurse in the eyes again didn’t really tell us anything new (see 2 blogs ago). I could never even come close to beating my doctor in how much pressure I could muster up to pee into the “cone of shame” (see previous blog).

I had exhausted every resource that the doctor had and he was good, just not good enough. It wasn’t even his fault. He did everything he could do with the resources that he had. I got it! I understood, but it didn’t help me get better. In fact, it only made me feel worse. I felt hopeless and like there wasn’t going to be a cure for this one and I needed to suck it up and just live with it. I left defeated and frustrated.

It had been over 1.5 years since I had slept well. In fact, I was up 8-11 times per night to pee now. Get up 11 times every night for just one month and tell me how you are feeling. Now repeat that for a year and tell me where you are at emotionally, spiritually, and physically. I would fall asleep driving on my way to work. It is only 14 miles from my house and 9 miles into the drive I would have to pull over and walk around the car a couple times and then finish the drive. Once I got to work I would fall asleep in meetings, typing at my desk, or just sitting and writing a list of what I had to do next. For the last 6 months of all of this I took a 30-60-minute nap in my office everyday as my lunch break (don’t tell my boss, but my team guarded this time for me).

I don’t know if you have ever been so tired you didn’t care what happened to you anymore, but that is where I was at. In fact, I was to such a point of desperation, depression, and hopelessness that I wanted to die if there wasn’t a solution to this. I guess there is a reason why they use sleep deprivation to interrogate prisoners. There is nothing that I would not have told you if you promised me sleep!

When I was told there is nothing else we can do, hopelessness set into my life and negatively amplified everything during this time. I did not hear, “there was nothing else THIS doctor can do.” I heard, “Welcome to the rest of your life and it is only going to get worse the longer it goes on, so I hope you are ready for a life of hell.” I was tired, and I was sick and tired. Everything frustrated me and everyone did as well. People who loved me and supported me were seen as too busy and just didn’t care. It is funny how your mind begins to justify things when the body can’t regulate things. I needed help, but didn’t think it was available to get. I needed better resources!

So, I did what any irrational sleep deprived person would do. I gave up. I wanted to die and even began devising a plan to end my life. I started making a list of people I needed to write a note or letter to so that they would have a better understanding of where I was. I made a list of all of the justifications as to why this was the best way to solve this problem. I picked out a spot where my family would not have to find my body and a method that would be fairly peaceful—at least from my research. I researched online how to get the drugs to inject and the right amount for a person of my size and age. I even read reviews online of its effectiveness, fail rate, and after effects if you do fail. I looked to see if anyone left reviews of how it worked for them, but… well, you get the joke. It seemed like a pretty good drug so I bookmarked the website and went on to phase two.

Next, I knew I needed to read my life insurance suicide clause to be sure it did not hinder my family from getting the money they would need and that was good as well. Now for the real planning. When was a long weekend that I could get the family out of the house and out of town? I would list my car for sale a few weeks prior to that so no one would have to worry about it and if I sold it beforehand, I would make a clause that they could not pick it up until the date that my family left.

I figured out how I could empty my closet and drop it at the local Goodwill so my wife would not have to deal with that on top of everything else. I even made a grocery list of all their favorite foods that I planned on buying and cooking up for meals that I could freeze so they didn’t stress about what to eat. I know people like to bring food after people die, so I wanted to be sure there was something there after that was all over. I justified what this would do to my children and that they would be better off. My wife is young and she can remarry and they could have daddy #2 who would be better at all of this than me.

One of the last things I wanted to be sure was to leave everything financially organized so that life would be simple. This was going to take a bit of time and I developed a two-year plan for this to be implemented. I figured I had lived this way for nearly two years I could endure it two more. This would also help me step away from my job at the church to hopefully not damage it or put it in the center of the headlines. My plan was to leave my job six months prior to killing myself but have something else I could step into so not to arise too many suspicions from anyone. Looking back on this I can see how twisted and even humorous it is to have a long-range suicide plan, but it worked for me.

I was much like my doctors who didn’t have any answers--in that I had exhausted everything I KNEW TO DO. I didn’t have the right resources so I threw in the towel instead of finding someone with the right resources. This remained the case until I had to go to my general physician for a normal checkup and he began to ask me about all my other health issues. “How is your neck?” “How are you sleeping?” “How are you going to the bathroom?” “What is your doctor saying about this?” I answered all of these questions and about 20 more honestly … except the one about “Do you want to end your life?” I didn’t feel like getting Baker-Acted that day and I had read “One Flew Over The Coo-coo’s Nest.”) My doctor shook his head in amazement and said,  “I am amazed you are still standing and alive”—maybe he knew! He asked one more question, “Do you mind if I call and get you an appointment at the Mayo Clinic? They have much better resources than we do in our area.” I already knew this but just figured my other doctor would have sent me there if there was anything that could have been done.

He called and sent over electronic orders for me to see someone as soon as possible at the Mayo Clinic to see if there was anything else that could be done. I thought to myself, “If their resources are better, maybe that would help the doctors to be able to be better too.” Right before I left the doctor’s office he told me to “hold on… that help was coming, and something could always be done.” That was a strange way to end a conversation, but I tried to take it to heart--especially since he didn’t know my long range planning skills of “My 5-Year Suicide Plan.” I went home not knowing when the Mayo Clinic would call or if they would, but somehow for the first time in a long time I had a glimmer of hope.

I don’t know about you but most of the time in my leadership abilities I don’t feel like I am good enough. Sometimes it is old messages that I am still playing in my head from things that were said and done to me in my childhood, but sometimes it is simply because I met other great leaders and knew I would never be like them. It happens often when I am reading books from great leaders and they write something so profound, and I think to myself—“Dang, I have never had a thought like that!” I have served in small organizations and large organizations and one of the biggest limitations I had in my leadership was the lack of resources I needed to be able to lead. I was good, but not good enough. I am not just talking about financial resources either, but the ability to learn and be surrounded by others who challenged me and helped me to grow in my abilities. The people around me were good, but not good enough.

As a young leader in a smaller organization, I had a mentor who challenged me to go find the best in my business and ask them to mentor me. If they said no, then go to the next best until I could find someone to help me grow to be better than I am. I did just this and with some relentlessness (some would say I was annoying), I was able to get someone to mentor me that I never thought would talk to me. He spent an hour a week with me for a year that proved to be invaluable to stretch my vision and understanding of people, systems, and processes of growth and speaking skills.

Amazingly, it opened the door for me to speak to people in larger organizations when I was still in much much much much smaller ones. Very soon after this I was recruited to go to a much larger organization that gave me more resources and a larger platform to stand on. What I found again was I needed mentors/coaches to help me see this differently. It was the largest organization I had helped lead and I was in my mid-20s. Before I started the job I took two weeks off and traveled a five-state region to talk with nine people who were doing what I was going to be doing at organizations two to 20 times the size of where I was going. I asked them to mentor me for a year and help me grow and help me grow the organization. Of the nine people, five said yes.

It was amazing over the next few years--due to the coaching of these five and the one before that (and the several others prior to that one mentor)--the same thing happened. My organization grew as did my leadership role. Again, I found myself speaking to larger organizations and even a couple Fortune 500 companies, as well as helping speak into the five mentors who had been resourcing me! What I found is when good isn’t good enough, maybe we are not asking the right questions or surrounding ourselves with the right people. Don’t get me wrong, there have been many times I have wanted to give up. In fact, there have been dozens of times I have given up and wanted to throw in the towel. Fortunately, by having allowed others into my life there always seemed to be one or two of them that would take time to speak into me and they echoed what my general physician said, “Hold on—help is coming and something can always be done.”

I know many of you reading this may be feeling hopeless in some area of your life. Maybe your family is falling apart and you are ready to throw in the towel. Maybe your job sucks and you just want to walk away (or maybe you need to—more about that later). Maybe, like me, you have just given up on life and you would rather be dead than keep on going. I get it! I have been in all three of these situations and many other thought patterns that are similar. HOLD ON—HELP IS COMING AND SOMETHING CAN ALWAYS BE DONE! If you feel like you have done everything you can do and good is not good enough, then let me encourage you ask some different questions. One of those hard questions you need to ask is, “Who do I have in my life who has been where I am at, that I can be honest with, who can give me better resources, advice, and insights than I have right now?” In other words, who do I have in my life who can get all up in my grill? We all need those people, but few of us have them.

The larger the organization that I have helped to lead, the harder these people are to find. What happens when you are at the largest organization in your region and there is no one to do this for you close by? THINK BIGGER. Chances are you DO have more financial resources at your present organization for travel and training than you did when you started a smaller organization. Use them for what matters most. I have found I can get almost any training or seminar on my phone any time I need it. What I can’t pay to download is someone who will invest in coaching me as a person that I can be transparently honest with, build a relationship with, and that will speak into me as a person and leader. Yes, I have peers that help, but let’s be honest—many times it is hard to fully open up with those who we work with on a day-to-day basis. It is not that we don’t need to work on that and build deeper trust so we can open up more, but that is a longer process (we will deal with that as well).

The bottom line is “When Good Is Not Good Enough—Get Better!” Do whatever it is you have to do to grow. The greatest things in life don’t come from doing the same thing or nothing. If you are a leader (and all of you are), open yourself up to speak into leaders that don’t have or haven’t had the same resources and opportunities as you have. Seek them out and don’t wait for them to come to you. If they come to you, push pause and realize there is a reason they choose you. You might not be able to say yes to everyone due to the amount of time you have, but you can say yes to some and then help the others find someone to help them.

Recently, I contacted the head of one of the largest organizations in my field to give me one hour of time to sit down and ask questions. I honestly did not think he would say yes, but I thought it was worth the risk. He didn’t even respond to my request, but guess what? He had one of his top tier executives agree to meet with me for over two hours and it gave me the opportunity to learn at a much higher level AND ask questions about his boss that I would not have had the opportunity to ask the same way. Don’t stop and don’t give up. It will get better.

The last thing I want to talk about in this entry is if you know someone is struggling in life right now, don’t stop asking questions and reaching out in care and love. Empathy is a lacking characteristic of leaders and people in general. Walk into other people’s world, as messy as it is, and help them see things differently and that they are not alone. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate friends and acquaintances speaking into me during the darkest times of my life. I didn’t appreciate it at the time, but now I know that they loved me and wanted the best for me. And if this is you right now, know that you are not alone. I care and am here for you. If you are struggling with any of these feelings, I would love to talk with you and offer my support and encouragement. It will get better! It always does! Hold on and know that when good is not good enough, it’s okay, because something great is just around the corner! Keep leading!