When You Really Need a Friend!

When You Really Need a Friend!

Some days more than others we just really need a friend. That might be the first thing you completely agree with in this read. That’s okay! I know leaders are not always good at friendships. I also know the larger the organization one leads, the smaller the circle of friends they usually have. Seems like it should be the opposite, doesn’t it? Don’t get me wrong—we have tons of “social media friends” and networking friendships, but very few have really close friends. They may even have a coach or mentor, but not close friends—the type of friends who are closer than a brother or sister. I know that I fit into this category and as I talk to friends in high places of leadership, the ones who have overcome this are the ones who are VERY intentional about developing and maintaining friendships. I am an introvert and want to be alone many times, but sometimes no matter how much I may want be alone I continue to discover that I need to have a friend there with me! Can you relate to that?

This is exactly what happened for me at the Mayo Clinic—I needed a friend. Test #1 was over and I headed back to a night alone at the hotel across town. They have a nice complementary salad bar/snack hour for guests, so I decided to make this my dinner and just stay in and watch a movie and get ready for the continued fun tomorrow. I figured more sleep is what I needed the most, not another 32 oz. Bison Steak from Montana Ted’s (although that is always a close second). So I got my salad plate and filled it as high as I could and sat down and pretended I was eating bison. I was the only one who was sitting by myself in the dining area and I thought to myself that it would be nice to have someone to eat with (as long as they didn’t talk too much and ask me questions about what just happened at the Mayo Clinic). Fortunately, there was a TV showing the headline news so I stared at it like I was interested and actually cared about what they were talking about. After a couple plates of rabbit food, I felt full enough and headed up to my room for the night.

Why in the world do hotel TVs have to be so difficult to operate? Isn’t there a Universal TV Programming package that all hotels could be mandated to use? But I regress! I finally found a movie I had not seen and looked halfway interesting, so I laid down on the bed to watch it. As normal, I fell asleep in about 8.5 minutes. Don’t worry, that didn’t last long because 30 minutes later I had to get up and pee. Welcome to my world. After the movie was over and after four more bathroom breaks just to keep it real, I finally turned off the TV and went to bed about 9 p.m. It was a normal night of having to get up another 8 times over the next seven hours. My alarm went off at 4:30 a.m. so I got up and went on downstairs to the room they called a gym. This is the same time I get up nearly every morning. If I sleep in late, I would be getting up at 5:30 a.m. After a short work out (mainly because there was no equipment) I went out to the lobby and had a cup of coffee before going up to my room to get ready for my day.

Unfortunately, I was not supposed to eat any solid foods due to one of my tests, but was allowed to have liquids--but only two cups of coffee (which is cruel and unusual punishment as far as I am concerned). So I sipped my first cup of sweet nectar from heaven and for the second one, was planning to pick up as big a cup that I could buy from Starbucks, with a couple extra shots of caffeinated love-juice to sip on for the rest of the morning. I took a quick shower and packed up my items and headed to the car to go find the closest Starbucks and then head over for my next appointment.

I arrived just as I was supposed to and checked in 30 minutes prior to my appointment. Good job! But here is where it gets interesting. Something new was in my instructions to do prior to my appointment. I had never done this before and the last time I had this test done they did not make me do this. Maybe that is why they didn’t find anything? Maybe that is why the Mayo Clinic is called the Disney World of hospitals? I am not sure, but when I checked in, they had me sign my life away again and told me in 15 minutes I need to go get an enema. A what? “An E-N-E-M-A” — as if I was hard at hearing. I heard you, I just went into a bit of shock because the last time my doctor did this particular test, I did not do an enema. The nurse asked me if my doctor was at the Mayo Clinic, to which I said no. She smiled and looked back at me and said, “Well, that is why, but we need you to do one now.” The nurse asked, “So, what type of Enema would you like?” Seriously? I didn’t know they came in “types.” Are types sizes (because if so I want a really small one)? Do you have any self-inserting ones? How about a scented one? I prefer Clean Linen! She was not amused and said the type depended on the type of test. She looked at my paperwork and put the box in a plastic bag (due to the shame of carrying it where people could see) and sent me back to my seat.

I had never done anything like this, so I went and sat in the back row so nobody could see me open the box and I slid out the instructions. THANK GOD THERE ARE PICTURES IN THESE INSTRUCTIONS! As a guy I rarely read instructions! Who needs them? And if I do get caught reading them, I automatically lose a man card. But this time I felt I should really read through them so as to not hurt myself or someone else standing nearby. There were 16 steps! Really! I looked up online one time and found instructions on “How to disarm a pipe bomb” and it was only 14 steps. I can go and stop virtually any bad habit or addiction with only “12 steps.” And for crying out loud, we are all only 6 steps/degrees or relationships from knowing someone who knows Kevin Bacon! 16 steps for an enema!? I finally got my composure back and realized it was almost game time or at least time for the enema pre-game special. I was 20 minutes out from my exam. I felt like I was cramming (no pun intended) for my college finals, so I looked over the instructions again and gave myself a pep-talk, “You got this, Brice!”

Although this was my first time having an enema, I knew I wasn’t supposed to do this in the lobby while people were waiting, so I went back to the nurse’s station and told them I was ready for my enema. I said it really soft so not to draw attention to myself. Unfortunately, all the nurses heard me and started laughing—so much for not drawing attention to myself. One of the nurses looked at me with a big smile (trying not to laugh) and said, “Oh, honey you have to give that to yourself, unless you brought a friend!” My first thought was, “at least she called me honey—I love the South,’” and then I thought, “What the hell!” Seriously? First, the instructions showed two people and one of them looked like they were in a nurse’s outfit. Second, I am not flexible AT ALL! I really think if I try this alone I am going to pull something or get stuck in a position I DO NOT want anyone to find me in. Third: This is why you need to have VERY good friends. Fourth: Why did I not bring a VERY good friend?

So, I headed off to the bathroom and immediately took the handicap stall so I could spread out and have a little room to move (if I needed it). I don’t know how many germs are on the bathroom walls and floor of the 3rd floor restroom at the Mayo Clinic, but I was up and personal with every one of them! I stretched out a little bit so I didn’t pull a hamstring, and then I laid out all my medical tools (at least that’s what I am calling the items in the box) and instructions on the diaper changing table (thank God for those). I glanced back through instructions and started to get ready for the big event. As an aside, when I am building something and accidentally skip one of the instructions, I can usually figure it out pretty fast and back track quickly so that I can finish everything correctly. However, I only had one enema kit and there was no way that I was walking back up there and asking those nurses for another one. Go slowly, Brice, go slowly. And that is exactly what I did, except I missed one of the instructions--and a very important one.

All the parts lay there on the changing table and I had already scrubbed in as if I was about to perform open heart surgery. I then quickly followed instructions one through eight and I was moving through this like an “enema boss”. Step #8—“Insert nozzle into rectum.” I then started on Step #10 but it didn’t work so I couldn’t go to step 11 and 12. I tried to do it over and over again but the results were the same. I could not eject the fluid from the container and now my muscles in my legs were starting to cinch up from this pretzel like position I had to be in for like 4 hours (at least that’s what it felt like). I read back over the instructions and realized that I had skipped step 9. Step #9—“Please remove the plastic safety seal and safety cap from the top of the enema nozzle so that the fluid can release smoothly.” What? So you are telling me that I stuck that thing up in there with my ONLY package of lube and I squeezed on that thing like I was going to rip it in two and it was not only covered with a safety cap but also a plastic safety seal over the cap. WHY? Is there a big outbreak of people tampering with enemas across the country? After cleaning the tip off (I added this in later so you would not be left wondering), I took off the safety seal and safety top! Step #9 complete, but now I am out of lubrication for a smooth entry. Well, I only saw two options.

OPTION #1: I could get dressed and try to somehow hold my stall so no one who is actually handicapped takes it while I run out to the nurse’s station and somehow try to make asking the question sound cool, “Can I have some more lube please? My first batch was not NEAR enough!” No thanks!

OPTION #2: I was going to just have to do it the old fashion way—Grin and bear it! Well option #1 was NOT going to happen so #2 it is! Well, I succeeded and finished the enema and then went back to sit in the waiting room to wait for my name to be called. I was squeaky clean and I swear every one of the nurses kept staring at me and giggling under their breath. I didn’t care! I felt like an Olympic athlete and was really proud of what I had just accomplished on my own, but I really wish I would had brought a friend.

Thinking about this experience, I don’t know if I have a friend who would have agreed to this (at least sober)! And, thinking about this I don’t know if I would do this for one of my friends. I would hope I would, but, it was pretty nasty doing it to myself. Then I started asking myself, “Who do I love enough to do this for? My kids—sure! My wife—maybe?” I am sure I would for her but it would take a few good runs at it to make it happen and I know I would have some great jokes. Would I do it for someone who I would consider my best or at least better friends? Well, 1) They would have to ask me (I would never give an enema to someone who didn’t ask—that would really take them by surprise), 2) How they ask me would have to be normal circumstances like on the phone or in person sharing their health struggles, NOT over dinner for two, and 3) We would need to have a formal agreement written that we would never joke or speak about this again. That last one is important because if I didn’t agree to that and I helped a friend do this, I would joke about it the rest of his life. “Hey, remember that one time at the Mayo Clinic bathroom where I forgot to take off the plastic safety cap while giving you an enema? Yeah, that was a good time!” Can you imagine walking into the bathroom and hearing that conversation on the other side of the divider? That would be funny!

Did I have any friends like this in my life? It became my litmus test to help me measure how good of friends I have in my life and how good of a friend I was. Everyone should have at least 3 friends (other than relatives) who would be willing to give you an enema in a public restroom any time you need one! Don’t worry, I didn’t go around asking my friends if they would, but I did look for characteristics in them that might lead them to say yes. It also challenged me to invest in these friendships in a different way when I asked the question the opposite way...,”Would I be willing to give them an enema in a public restroom any time THEY needed one?” I don’t know what this would reveal about you, but this revealed some insecurities in my life and helped me to see that I was a pretty lazy friend at times. I think it is normal to take our friends for granted—until we need one to be there for us in a hard time of life. It also reinforced my theory that I continue to see over and over again: The larger the organization a leader is in charge of, the fewer close friends they have. Especially the friends that would give them an enema.

So what do you look for in a friend? Loyalty? That is a good trait! Fun to be around? That is probably needed. How about loving? Not really one we identify when we are looking for a friend, but a trait we love to see in them when they are our friend! Empathy? The older I have gotten this has become more important in my friendships. In fact, it has really helped me categorize my friendships from people who are “acquaintances,” “friendlies,” “friends,” or “close friends”.

Acquaintances are those whom we know and we are nice to each other, laugh together, but really don’t know much about each other. In fact, we may know more about our organization or someone who is a common friend than we actually know about each other. I have hundreds of these.

Friendlies are people who are more than an acquaintance. I see them often and we have short conversations. I know who their spouse and kids are and maybe even an interest or two, but if they would have asked me how all my medical stuff was going during this journey I would have given them the 20-thousand-foot view and not too many details.

Friends are the people who were reaching out by phone, texts, cards, or email and letting me know they were praying for me during all my medical procedures and surgeries. They would check in regularly and didn’t ask if I needed anything, but instead just did something. They brought a meal or came by to take the kids to get ice cream.

Close Friends are the people who took the kids and took my wife to be sure they were getting what they needed. It is the close friend who has a lawn care business who said, “I am going to take care of your yard all season—it is the least I can do.” It’s the handful of people we trust to leave our kids with for 3-5 days while I was in the hospital and needed rest and they did it without blinking. It’s the ones that showed up with Starbucks and didn’t expect a conversation, but were just present giving me space to say or feel whatever I needed too. These are my “enema friends.”

I could go on and on about the different character traits of these different levels of friends, but I want you to think of the friends that you have on these different levels and to define them for yourself. After you have done that, define yourself to each of these friend levels. In other words, how would people you see as friends… see you? I think we all have things we need to work on to be better friends—I know I do—but I also think we have to be very intentional. We need to be as intentional about our friendships as we are about the systems we are implementing to grow the organizations we are leading. Unfortunately, that is rarely, if ever, the case. I know for me—I am so focused on what is ahead of me I can easily ignore everything and everyone around me. However, when I talk to some of the most influential leaders I know, they have developed a different rhythm and have included close friendships as a core priority. They have figured out that they are better together than they are alone. I do believe that you will have friends that will drift between these categories, but I also believe we need 3-4 friends alongside of us to simply do life together in a much deeper way. Close friends that are tried and true are those who have been there for you for years. They have seen the flaws and cracks in your life, and you have seen theirs, but you love each other more (not less) because of them. When you have that kind of friend in your life, you can rest assured that you will always have someone who will give you an enema!