When You Don’t Really Know What’s Next

When You Don’t Really Know What’s Next (Even Though They Told You)

Well, the doctor appointments were over and I was home. Now I waited for a few more test results before they told me what I needed to do. Everyone around me worried and thought about it enough for me, so I just tried to block it from my mind and go back to work, life, getting up every 1-2 hours, and peeing 7-10 times per night while I waited. When people keep asking you how you are doing and you are up all the time and not sleeping, you have plenty of time to think about that question and to start to get a little stressed. Why couldn’t they ask me, “What is your favorite rock band and why?” or “If you had to choose 5 things to go do in the next year and money was not an issue, what would they be?” That would have been awesome, but no, I was asked, “How are you doing?” “Have you heard anything yet?”  “Are you sleeping any better?” I know people were well meaning, but I felt like getting a T-shirt printed with answers on it to save time and energy. It has served as a great lesson to me to not ask questions of people who are medically struggling, but just make statements. 

They told me it would be 3-5 days and then the doctor would call to confirm any tests and to follow up on what would be needed next. Three days went by pretty quickly and I did not have any expectations, but something happened on day 4-5 when I did not hear anything. At first, anxiety started to hit me when I wondered when the doctor was going to call, and then when I did not hear from him on day 5, I started to worry and wondered if they forgot about me (a message I send to myself quite often from my past). Finally, I started to think if they didn’t contact me yet it must not be important and everything must be okay. The people around me were getting very impatient and pushing me to call and follow up through my medical portal. Honestly, I never had signed into my medical portal in the past 1.5 years of going through this, so I wasn’t even sure what that meant, but it sounded pretty cool. It sounded like I got to travel through some time dimension or something—“Let me enter into my medical portal—I will be right back.” I knew at this point I wasn’t dying, so honestly, I wasn’t too concerned about not hearing anything… but like I said, I had enough people around me who were anxious and overly worried that they were able to give me their extra anxiety and fears.

On day six I got an email that my medical portal had been updated, but again had no idea how to sign in so I forwarded it on to my wife/medical assistant (for tax write-off purposes I gave her this title) to check it for me. The doctor sent a message that everything looked good, but surgery would be needed to fix my frequent urination problem. The doctor finally called to go over the type of surgery I would need (don’t ask me the name of it—I can’t pronounce or spell it therefore I can’t remember it). It was a simple surgery the doctor said would only take about an hour. They would keep me in the hospital overnight for observation and to make sure I could pee after it was over and then send me home. Sounded simple. Awesome. Pee problem solved! I get to sleep again! Let’s do it.

I didn’t really understand what the surgery was except they were going to put a laser up inside my body and trim off a portion of my prostate. I also had a small cyst in my bladder and prostate that they would remove via the laser at the same time. Of course the only thing that came to my head was the Austin Powers movie when Dr. Evil said, “Are those frickin' sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their frickin' heads?” - which made me laugh and I thought that would be pretty cool, but then quickly remembered how they have to navigate to get to my prostate. Suddenly sharks with frickin’ laser beams attached to their head didn’t sound so good! OUCH! After getting my mind back to what the doctor was saying (I missed a big portion of the conversation thinking about the Austin Powers movie), he asked if I have any questions. Since I didn’t really hear anything that he said, I didn’t really have any questions. “No, I think I got it—lasers—prostate—a little zap here—a little zap there—and I get to go pee like a 20-year-old again! I’m good…when can we do it?” He told me scheduling would reach out to me to schedule surgery, but it would be in the next two weeks. The doctor also told me that he was very confident that this would work, but he had to let me know there was about a 3-5% chance this would not work. Another movie quote from Dumb and Dumber popped in my head, “So you’re saying there’s a chance!” It’s hard being me!

Well, back to the waiting game to see when surgery would be. I returned to my normal life of no sleep and regular bathroom visits. I will be honest—during this whole process I began to sit when I pee. Before I lose a man card, it was because I was so tired and I was always there. I got tired of lifting the lid and then putting it back down (lazy, I know, but very courteous at least). I could actually rest in the restroom if I sat down. So, I embraced the feminine position to pee and IT WAS AWESOME. Some days I actually fell asleep peeing. Crazy, I know! I checked email, Facebook, returned emails, texts. I was taking multitasking to a whole new level but I embraced this new lifestyle—wondering how much joy I had missed in the previous 49 years of my life simply standing up and staring at the wall. It’s nice as a guy that I can be a switch hitter and stand or sit, but if I am honest I am going to stay true to a sitting lifestyle from here on out.

I was sitting there going pee and checking my email and saw that that a message just came through to my medical portal. So I did what any man would do—I stood up after peeing and went and asked my wife to tell me what was going on. She soon signed on to my portal (by the way I still have never signed on to this modern contraption) and they had sent a date and time with an appointment for that afternoon to call me to confirm. They called and the nurse went over some of the game day details and used some more big medical jargon to justify charging insurance and then asked if I had any questions. “Well, only one. Does an apple a day really keep the doctor away?” (I had always wanted to ask a doctor this, but forgot every time I was in their office, but this seemed like the perfect opportunity.) She laughed on the other end of the phone and then said, “Only if you aim really well!” Awesome—I liked her.

So everything was set for my surgery in ten days. Now it was time to WAIT and WONDER and WORRY! These seem to be the 3-W’s of life, don’t they? We go through our whole life waiting for what is next, wondering what it will be, and worrying if it is going to be enough, or the right thing, or what I really need, or what my kids need, or will it be safe, or… (you fill in the blank of your life). It’s amazing how these three words continue to pop back into my life. When you find out you are going to be a parent, you wait for what seems like an eternity for the baby to finally get here. You wonder if you have what it takes to be a parent or even just wonder what it will be like to be one. Then we worry we will mess this kid up, or what will this do to our marriage, my life, my bank account, my free time, my… Or maybe you experienced these 3-Ws early in life waiting to hear if you made that team, that organization, got accepted into that college, received that job, to hear that health report, to receive those legal papers, the first time your teenager takes the keys to the car, the second time your teenager takes the keys to the car, and the list goes on and on and on. It seems we wait, wonder and worry most of our life.

I don’t know about you, but I hate waiting. Most leaders do, but wise leaders know, however, that it is part of a fermentation process. Waiting produces patience, and patience produces endurance. I have to remind myself often that I am in a marathon, not a sprint (even though sometimes I have to pick up the pace). Waiting is a humbling reminder that there is not too much in this world that I can really control. One area we can control are our thoughts during the waiting period. We are 100% responsible for the thoughts in our mind that lead to actions in our lives. Good or bad, we are responsible for them. And with each one of them come consequences—good and bad (and sometimes neutral). Waiting is an art form that is best illustrated in my mind by watching surfers. I am not a surfer. I wish I was, but I grew up in South Dakota where our water was frozen the majority of the year. Plus, I don’t want to drown or get eaten by sharks and surfing could cause both of those things. But I love to watch surfers—especially good ones. On one of my visits to the North Shore of Oahu I stopped and got some fresh shrimp and sat with about 50 people, three seals, and two sea turtles who came up on the shore while I watched four surfers paddle out to try to catch some 10-14 foot waves (relatively small for some of these surfers I later found out). They would paddle out and go to where there was a breaking point in the ocean—that place where the ocean floor shifted from deep to becoming shallow which helped push the water up causing what would become a swell and eventually a wave to ride into shore. These guys (sorry, ladies, it was four guys) sat on their boards and caught their breath. On their paddle out to the break they easily missed 3-4 great waves, but they weren’t in the right position to receive them so they waited and kept going. After catching their breath, they laid flat on their boards and waited and watched. Honestly, I can’t tell a good swell from a bad swell—they all looked swell to me! Somehow they could tell which ones were going to be great waves and which ones were going to break up too soon. Waiting creates wisdom! Finally, after what seemed a lifetime of sitting on the beach, eating shrimp, and watching the monk seals scoot closer to me as they made weird sounds, one of the surfers began to paddle like there was a shark behind him (I checked and did not see one). He followed the direction of the wave until the swell had risen out of the water just enough for him to use its momentum to push him and do the majority of the work. It was amazing. The swell got bigger and bigger and started to create a crest that was going to break at what seemed like 100 feet tall to me. Even though it was only about 14 feet high, it was going to be enough to create an incredible ride and a barrel that he would be able to go through and put on an amazing show.

It was not only amazing to me how they know what wave to take, but also it was equally as amazing that he knew exactly when to stop because if he went too far he would hit a bunch of volcanic rocks. Not only was his focus on a hundred different things that he was doing to surf this incredible wave, but he also knew his exact location in the ocean. Amazing. In his waiting he watched and learned from the ocean and from others. He counted how long he had to get up and get going and then in his mind knew how long he had left to enjoy the ride before he had to get off the board and then paddle back out and start again. Waiting creates patience that creates endurance. These surfers were there before I got to the beach and stayed after I left. I was easily there for two hours and was worn out just watching them. But when you have a passion for something and you learn to wait for just the right timing, then time doesn’t really matter. You simply enjoy the ride.

“Wonder” is an interesting word. I can wonder what is going to happen in a particular situation and I can be in wonder of what is happening or is going to happen in a particular situation. I get to choose which way to approach the word and the situation, which will determine my thoughts and attitudes. If I approach it and wonder what is going to happen, most likely worry will be the natural outcome. However, if I approach situations with a wonder and amazement of the possible good can occur through this situation, the natural outcome is normally finding good in all situations even though it may appear to be bad on the surface. Whenever I speak to people who have had or who are going through cancer treatments, they speak about how hard it is. But the ones who look for good in a bad situation are always amazed and in wonder about the good that comes from it. A deeper spiritual faith. A priority of building relationships with those that we love. Focusing on the things that matter most. Realizing that even though I am struggling, I am still blessed. An understanding of how fragile life is and how important it is to live every day to its fullest. However, people I meet who wonder what is going to happen next live in a state of worry and anxiety and fear. Medical science actually proves that people who have positive attitudes experience less ailments and sickness than those who don’t. It also shows that recovery times are less, as well as the probability of fully recovering. Our minds are an incredible and powerful thing.

I wish we didn’t worry, but we all do. If you have ever had to take your child to the hospital, you have experienced this. You can have all the wonder (in a positive way) that you want, but you would not be human if you did not worry. If you didn’t, you might be considered a sociopath. I experienced this when my daughter was three and was diagnosed with a rare form of pneumonia. She was taken after three days to a children’s hospital where she continued to worsen and medicine was not killing the virus. She lost 10% of her body weight and became more and more lethargic. Her lungs began to fill with fluid and they had to insert a drain to keep them usable. They had to draw blood and take x-rays 4-5 times per day. I went from worry to fear to an anxiety that I had never experienced before. By God’s grace my little girl came through this experience after 2 ½ weeks in the hospital, but through it I learned something very important about myself and worry.

When we lose control of a situation or simply can’t control it, we oftentimes hold on tighter and try harder to control it, only causing our worry and anxiety to grow and oftentimes feeling out of control. Fortunately, I had people wiser than me come alongside of me and remind me that there was nothing that I could control in this situation, so to let go and trust the process. I needed to focus on what I could control, like my thoughts and actions, and let go of the process that I could do nothing about. This honestly was one of the hardest things I have ever done, but when I finally submitted to this, I was able to love my daughter more effectively, as well as those around me. I felt the burden lighten even though it was heavy and I felt more connected to those around me and not isolated like I did when I was trying to control everything. The tighter we hold on what we are trying to control, the less ability we have to grab onto other things that may be more important. When I let go of holding on to trying to heal my daughter, it allowed me to grab hold of loving her more. I was more present and available to her, others, and my own self-awareness.

Transferring these principles to our leadership, this is vital if we are going to influence others instead of trying to control others. Teaching and modeling to your teams how to wait effectively, while continuing to prepare is a skill that needs to be implemented. Most businesses fail because they either try to grow too fast or they wait too long to change. It is being wise enough to wait for that perfect wave to ride and being aware and wise enough to know when to jump off, so you don’t crash into the rocks! Teaching your teams how to have a positive outlook and to approach each day with wonder will unleash a creativity in them that is needed to keep your organization alive and new. Look at companies like Amazon or Google or Apple or Pixar who create spaces and time for their people to be innovators and to just sit and wonder what it would be like if their craziest ideas could come true. The 3M company did this by allowing just a few minutes a day for their teams to dream and wonder. Out of this, the post-it note was created and revolutionized the business. What ideas are just sitting on the shelf of your organization because you are more focused on what needs to be done, instead of what could be done? What about in your family or your personal life? Create a time and place to simply wonder and dream. Remember that worry will happen! It is what you learn to do with the worry that will determine your effectiveness and your vision. You will either look inward to yourself about how are you going to do this, or you will look outward to others about how you can effectively and creatively invest in them to create change in innovative ways.

Here is the most powerful part of all this. You get to decide and are completely in control of your thoughts, feelings, and actions during this process of waiting, wonder, and worry! Lead well and model that for your team, your family, and those who are observing you. Let me encourage you to be intentional about teaching others this and explaining it so that they can grab hold of these leadership principles. Use team meetings to demonstrate this. And of course, if you need help I would be honored to come alongside you and cast vision to your team and provide coaching to help you lead well!