Hurry Up and Wait!

Hurry Up and Wait!

I was discharged from my neck surgery to go home, heal, and to wait.  Recovery was supposed to take 4-6 weeks, and this included not lifting anything over 10 lbs. (which is basically a gallon of milk).  I weighed the vacuum cleaner and would you believe it was 11 pounds. Dang it!  The trash can was 12 pounds (I might have put something heavy in it before weighing it)!  Double Dang! Laundry basket was easily 15 pounds!  I HATE THAT I can’t do these things and now I have to hire a house cleaner, yard care, and a pool boy (Let the sarcasm ooze). My goal of making myself NOT go to the gym 25 days in 2019 was going to be fulfilled, and then blown out of the water. Seriously, what would it would REALLY do?  Don’t doctors just cover their butts by saying 4-6 weeks, when they really mean 2-3 weeks? 

Sitting is not something I do well.  I get up at 4:00 a.m. and hit the ground running.  I usually go as fast as I can all day long until I recharge at 8:00 p.m.  (This routine got really complicated this last year and I will deal with that more in upcoming chapters of my continued saga.) Hurry up and wait!

So now, there was no real reason to get up early since I can’t go to the gym—but I did!  No real reason to stay on your special diet to eat clean and healthy—but I did!  No real reason to keep the same schedule throughout the day eating 6 meals (except lifting weights that was off limits)—but I did!  I quickly learned that keeping a schedule was one of the most beneficial things I could do for myself. I filled my time with typing thoughts I had been wrestling with in a journal.  Doing the things around the house I could do, without overworking myself.  Don’t worry, I was able to resist picking up the vacuum and trash!  Took a few naps to help the healing process.  Got off of the narcotics as soon as I could (This was more to save a few pills in-case family came to visit). And went back and started re-watching all the episodes of Seinfeld to brush up on my one liners and party references. 

But after about a week, I was bored to death!  I called the doctor and asked what physical activity I could do after 7-10 days of being a pretty good boy.  His response surprised me.  “Brice, your blood vessels and veins in your neck were about 7-10 times larger than the average man (I knew I was way above average so I asked if he could relay this to my friends).  Because of that, the walls of those blood vessels and veins are much thinner. If you choose to lift weights and strain at any level above what I told you, you will most likely blow one of them, bleed out and die”. (Well, that seems a little dramatic)  So, my follow up question was pretty stupid thinking about it now, but I did ask, “So you are saying absolutely NO lifting, not even the pink girl weights?”  Doctor, “DID YOU HEAR ANYTHING I JUST SAID?”  Yes. Hurry up and wait.

So what do I do for 3-4 more weeks? Sure, I go back to work in a week, but that still did not fill the void of time and energy that I needed to exert.  I went back to writing more in my journal, but honestly there are only so many feelings I want to see on paper. I continued to wipe the counters but they were pretty freaking clean. After getting off of the narcotics, I finally got my car keys back which meant I could do grocery pick up. Unloading the car took forever, due to the fact 10-11 pounds adds up quickly, so I made numerous trips back and forth to the car to unload everything. It didn’t take long and again I was BORED!  Hurry up and wait. 

When I got back to work everyone watched over me like a hawk.  “Don’t do that,” “stop lifting things.”  I know they all did it out of love, (except for one of them who I think always had dreamed of telling me what to do) but I was tired of waiting, and tired of being told what I couldn’t do. I had people bringing me things at work and at home that were over the 10 lb. weight limit.  I was starting to feel helpless, and honestly starting to get angry. Not at the people, but at the process.  Waiting sucks.  It’s for non-driven people. Lazy ones, I told myself.  I am a type A++++ personality and waiting must be for type B,C,D, and especially type F people.  I had too much to do, and what I had to do was obviously too important for me to be living this way. How will the world survive with me sitting on the sidelines?! I should have just had the stupid tumor drained and just lived with it.  Then I could be doing important stuff, because I am SO important! (I hope you are sensing my sarcasm and not narcissism)…

Week 4 of recovery finally arrived—The doctor said I could start lifting after four weeks (He actually said 4-6 weeks, due to the size of my tumor the and the amount of real estate it took up in my neck, so the longer I waited the better). But what I heard was FOUR WEEKS!  So I made plans to go back to the gym but that idea was nixed until I saw the doctor for my follow up and he medically cleared me. The last conversation we had didn’t go my way, and I didn’t anticipate this one being received with open arms either.  I called the office and left word with his nurse and got a call back fairly quickly that went something like this:

“Mr. Early”.  Yes.  “Dr. Gibson wanted to see if you remembered the last conversation you all had about how big your tumor was and the trauma it caused in your neck?”  My first response was to say NO, but then was afraid he would bring me back in to see if there was any neurological damage and add more conditions to my recovery time.  So I was honest and said “Yes, but he had stated 4-6 weeks and I am feeling great and thought I would check to see if I could start going back to the gym and going light” (I did not define what light meant).  Nurse, “He said ABSOLUTELY NO LIFTING not even the ‘pink weights’ as you described them (by the way this was a female nurse and she sounded very put off by my description of “pink weights”), but he did say you could go back to the gym and start walking on a flat treadmill for 20 minutes a day with no incline.” (Dang, that was specific and he obviously knew I would cheat if he was not). 

However, I just felt like I had won a hostage negotiation, and talked him down into giving in a little to my demands.  I was back in the door baby!  Back on the treadmill, like a rat chasing cheese! I got to go see all the people that I know, but don’t really KNOW, aka my “Gym Friends.”  I envisioned myself walking back into the gym and everyone having prepared a run-through for me like they have on the high school football field.  I saw myself stepping up on the treadmill and almost floating as I cranked the speed up to a whopping 3.0 miles per hour.  So I laid out my gym clothes that night (it was like picking out an outfit for prom—it had to be just the right one, I mean I had to look good).  I put on my lucky ball cap (go back and reread that chapter) and set out the door at 4 am. 

When I arrived at the gym there was no run through, no high fives, no floating on a treadmill and very few we missed you’s. Did no one miss me or even know I was gone? It was kind of a humbling experience.  It made me wonder how many people I had not noticed, who had been gone for longer than I had. 

After a couple days of doing cardio as bad as I wanted to keep doing it, I couldn’t.  Due to pushing myself further than what the doctor allowed and going 3.4-3.6 at a 2-4 grade, it caused me to strain in breathing, which caused my neck to hurt a lot!  I know, keep shaking your head, it gets worse I promise.  Everyone around me told me to take it easy.  My family, my friends, the people at work said “DON’T OVER DO IT!” (Like they were just waiting for me to fail).  My doctor said to take it easy.  I even got in my car one morning and the Eagles were singing, “Take it Easy.”  Ironically I had been going over my 60 plus pages of notes from my 6-week summer sabbatical where the whole purpose was to take it easy.  But I don’t know how to take it easy, not for very long anyway.  I don’t sit well.  I don’t wait well.  Therefore, I don’t heal well.  Hurry up and wait!

I learned three things about myself during this “time out”: 

1)  I am not patient and do not wait well.  This is true about every area of my life.  I have always been impulsive and impatient.  When I see something I want, I have always tried to figure out a way to get it.  If others are moving slower than me, it is really hard to wait for them and be patient (Maybe Darwin was onto something with that whole “survival of the fittest” thing and this was a natural way of thinning the herd).  That seemed like a great premise until I was the one in the hospital bed that couldn’t keep up, or because I was so tired for the past year I couldn’t do the things at work and home that I normally did. Waiting to go back to the gym seems pretty petty now compared to being patient and waiting on others to develop in their leadership so that I can help them rise to a new level.  I get so impatient with co-workers, friends, volunteers, because they just don’t get it or don’t move fast enough.  I mean, I have to explain it like 5 times—everyone should be able to read my twisted warped mind by now!   

2)  I am unwilling to die to myself so that I can heal properly and can really fully live.   This is such a great leadership principle that is a polar opposite to what culture teaches.  My role as a leader is to serve others, not be served.  I was in the gym (legally, don’t worry) and between sets I many times look for something to do because #1—I am not patient and do not wait well.  So instead of sitting down and resting, or scrolling through Facebook and social media (although I also do that sometimes), I got up and walked around and straightened the room. I put weights back from jerks who left them out, moved cleaning supplies to the different stations, put all the dumbbells nice and straight with their numbers pointing upward and threw away trash that got left from the jerks who did not put their weights up.  A lady in the gym said, “Brice you need to tell the owner you do this for him all the time and maybe he would give you a discount!”  A discount sounds nice doesn’t it, but I learned long ago (even though I fight against it every day of my life) that if I do anything for the appreciation of others I am ALWAYS going to be left disappointed.  Honestly, this is easy at the gym and really, really, really, hard at work.  I always start out strong but then after a while, start to feel unappreciated and I fall back into wanting more praise.  It goes right back to not wanting to die to my wants and desires, or not wanting to wait and allow the process to work itself out.   

3) I am selfish!  And here is the thing, so are you! We all are actually!  Don’t believe me?  Who do you spend the most time on during the day?  Oh sure, we have seasons of small children, but even then we always figure out a way to take care of us.  Its ok and somewhat natural, but many times can get in the way of our healing if we don’t keep it in check.  It can get in the way of us serving others.  It can build a wall where we are not transparent leaders, but leaders who are just “getting ‘er done”.  Selfishness inflates our pride, and pride isolates us from those we are trying to lead. (re-read that) When I am selfish it gives me a false reality of how important I really am, how needed I really am, how together I think that I am. When I get prideful, others drive me nuts, because they can’t do anything right, like I can.  If they would just listen. If I could just hire competent people.  I wish I had spent more time reflecting and planning during this “forced” waiting period.  I usually learn these leadership lessons on the wrong side of the problem, and that once again proved true.  So what should we do to be transparent leaders? 

Simply, the opposite of these 3 things: 

1)  Be patient and wait!  Reflect during these times on what is causing you NOT to sit still well.  Why you feel you have to get back after whatever it is you are trying to get after?  Self-reflection is a great thing if we will take it and apply it to our leadership and how we can use it to help make others better.  If you are Type A personality like me, I promise you have surrounded yourself with others who find their worth in what they do, and not who they are.  They derive their value from their occupation, and not their creation.  The problem with this is what happens when they lose their job, or the contract, or their solution does not work on real life like it did on paper, or the next super star rises faster than they do?  I can tell you first hand—you feel worthless as a human being. I was reminded on my sabbatical however that I am a human BEing not a human DOing.  Therefore, we many times need to stop doing and just start being!  Being present. Being aware.  Being mindful of others.  Being relational.  Being loving.  Being transparent.  Being quiet!  Just being. 

2)  Die to myself, so I can help others truly live. My life is not complete if it is just about me.  I was created to help others grow to their full potential just like others invested in me to grow to where I am at today.  Stop and think about all the people who have invested in you in a good way to help you become the person you are.  I can think of several negative people as well, but we will get to them later (even though they caused pain, wounds, and scars there are still life lessons we have learned that we can take and apply to helping others as well).  I can think of an older gentleman who took me fishing and taught me how to tie flies to fly fish.  I remember catching a few fish and actually still remember how to tie a fly, but I remember more the talks we had on the banks of Sheridan Lake, South Dakota and the life lessons he taught me.  I remember an elementary teacher who invited about 8 kids over to her house one night a week to do a ceramic class. Honestly, I could care less about ceramics but I really respected her and wanted to spend more time with her.  We painted and talked and then talked and painted.  These were some of my best memories of my childhood that sucked in many other ways.  I remember a high school teacher the same way who took stories in literature and showed me how they related to MY life.  Poetry that helped me understand MY pain.  And then, get this, I got to dance with her at prom!  We dance to Bob Seger & the Silver Bullet Band’s Old Time Rock and Roll.  A memory I will never forget.  Or how about that college professor who took me under his arm and invested me and my roommates.  I could go on, but I am sure you have yours as well.  So the question is, “How can I die to myself and use all the good and bad of my life to lift others up?”  In other words, how can I be a transparent leader?

3)  Be SelfLESS—Did you know that generosity is contagious?  Imagine living in a world where people are trying to out give each other?  How cool would that be. “No, I will pick up this check”, for no other reason than I really want to. “Let me help you with that”, not because you need it, but because I just want to hang out.  You go to your neighbor’s house and mow their yard while they are at work, not because it really needed it but because you simply wanted to bless them.  This past summer I could not mow my yard or take care of anything outside due to my surgeries.  I wasn’t supposed to sweat while my neck healed (great thing I live in Florida where it is nice and cool) and then for my second surgery I could not push things or walk much.  I have 2 friends that own lawn companies and they took it upon themselves to take care of this need for me. I didn’t have to ask, and they didn’t ask me – they just did it.  They wanted nothing in return and wouldn’t take NO for an answer.  Imagine if we lived in this kind of world where we all had this desire, focus and (catch this next one) FOLLOW THROUGH.  You have probably said it like me, “Hey, if you need anything at all just let me know.”  That is a weak attempt of trying not to look selfish, but still being selfish because you know you are probably not going to be asked.  But you did your part and cared, right? No. JUST DO IT!  Don’t ask, DO IT!

Hurry up and wait!  It is still not fun, but there is much we can learn in the process of waiting.  I don’t know if you are in a holding pattern, or a season of solitude and waiting, but let me encourage you “wait well.”  Use the opportunity to reflect on yourself, and then how you can help others.  Ask yourself some hard questions during this time, and get transparent so that you can let others see you and so that you can see yourself for who you really are. 

Word for 2020?

Word for 2020?

What is your word for the year? Over the past years a growing trend is to “pick” a word that you are going to try to live into during the upcoming year. One word! One thought! I love the simplicity of this, but it is not an easy exercise unless you google, “Best words that people have used to be their word for the year.”  Or at least something like that.  It is a fun exercise because it forces you boil everything down to one thought, one approach, one word.   That is a BIG word. Not necessarily a long word, but a BIG one. What is your word?

I have 2 this year!  I know, that is not the game, but once you hear them you will understand how they go together like peanut butter and jelly!  Some of you hyper-type A personalities are thinking that I should not be allowed to play the game if I can’t follow the rules.  I get it and that is ok. Relax!  It’s a new year!  In fact, that would be a great word for you—RELAX!

My first word is “Willing”!  In 2020 I want to be willing to do whatever it takes.  I am WILLING to go the extra mile.  I am WILLING to learn something new to make me a better person.  I am WILLING to get up a little bit earlier or stay up a little bit later so I can write another chapter for a book.  I am WILLING to make new friends.  I am WILLING to look at every aspect of my life no matter how difficult and see how I can make it better.  I am WILLING to love.  I am WILLING to lose.  I am WILLING to compromise.  I am WILLING to hurt.  I am WILLING to risk.  I am WILLING!   This is different from “trying”.  Trying is a suggestion while willing is a command. If you want to “try” to risk, “try” to love, “try” to be a better person, I will promise you mediocre results at the best and I promise you won’t have to “try” to fail—it “will” happen naturally.  But it you “WILL” yourself to risk, love, hurt, compromise, etc.  there is resolve and different level of commitment.  I am willing to love or I will love COMPARED to am trying to love or I will try to love.  Do you see the difference?  So this year I am willing!  Or I will! 

As I thought about my “word” of the year I also thought that there were things that I should probably be “unwilling” to do, so that is my second word.  I hope you can see how they go together now (Type A friends).  I am “unwilling” to settle for mediocrity!  I am “unwilling” to keep toxic relationships in my life!  I am “unwilling” to settle for failure (I am willing to fail, but unwilling to stay there)!  I am “unwilling” to not be happy! 

What is your WORD/WORDS for 2020!  And encourage and inspire others! 

The First Cut is the Deepest!

The First Cut is the Deepest

It was almost time for surgery. This was the first surgery I’ve ever had, in fact it is the first time I have ever been in the hospital other than to visit someone.  I did have stitches as a kid when I fell off the monkey bars (I think those have been outlawed now). Fourteen stitches later I was back hanging upside down showing off for the ladies.  But this time it’s not outpatient, I’m actually being admitted to the hospital. I get a cool open-view gown to wear, an adjustable bed with just enough buttons for a man to feel like he actually has power, and someone at your beckon call when you push one of those magical buttons!  I was about 24 hours away from getting sliced and diced.  The hospital just called with a reminder of all the pre-surgery requirements, most importantly was not to eat or drink anything after 8 p.m. WHAT?!

It was the night before surgery and all through the house,

I was hangry as hell and could have eaten a mouse. 

I could have no water, no food, or no coke,

my mouth was dry and I started to choke. 

The morning came with no food in sight,

But everyone else was eating and I wanted to fight. 

Okay, enough of that!  I was hangry.  I have eaten 6 meals a day for the past two years.  I get up at 4 a.m. every morning and eat my first meal before going to the gym and then eat immediately when I get home, and then another meal about 10:30 a.m.  My surgery was scheduled for 10 am so basically I was missing my first three meals and by the time I woke up and in my room, I should have been eating my fifth meal.  That is missing nearly two days of meals for the average man!  This was not cool.  I will admit now that I did take a few drinks of water, chewed some gum and ate 5 pieces of Cinnamon Toast Crunch.  Desperate times call for desperate measures. 

About a week or so prior to my surgery I asked my “friends” on Facebook to help me come up with a surgery playlist.  Most of my friends understood the challenge but a few of them missed the mission totally only making it even funnier (most of them were blond, but I won’t mention that).  It was simple: “Suggest songs that I can listen to prior to surgery and after, that have surgery references in them or lyrics that could be translated in a weird way to support this mission.”  I received over 175 songs!  That is awesome and my friends are so warped which I also love.  There were easy ones like Bryan Adams, “Cuts Like A Knife” or Sheryl Crow’s “The First Cut Is The Deepest”, to the more obscure ones like “Staying Alive” or “Another One Bites The Dust” (Which is also a GREAT wedding anthem I might add). 

I had my bag packed for my overnight adventure, music loaded, phone, charger, and a large snack bag for the After Surgery Party. I really wasn’t nervous.  I had never had this experience, so really did not know what to be nervous about other than the doctor having too much caffeine and getting the shakes before he started slitting my neck, but he was a professional so I trusted him.  We finally arrived to the hospital in Panama City (Yep, the same town that was destroyed by a hurricane less than a year earlier).  I figured just to up the difficulty level of having surgery, you might as well go to a war zone and have it done!  The hospital was awesome and got us checked in and we went to sit and wait until we were called for pre-op.  One of my coworkers/friends came by to hang out for a bit and pray with me.  They called me back and we got up and started to walk out.  The nurse awkwardly asked if my friend (male) was coming back to the pre-surgery area.  So, I appropriately introduced him (just to have a little fun) as my partner (coworker-partner, whatever).  It was fun to watch them both squirm. 

I arrived in the pre-surgery area and got my air-conditioned robe, baggie to put my valuables in, and fancy socks with grips.  I got in my bed with buttons and got ready for the barrage of questions that would be repeated about 1000 times.  Can you tell me your name? Yes! (Awkward Silence! I was taught never to ask a close ended question unless you didn’t want an answer) I always relented and finally gave it to them:  Benjamin Brice Early.  What is your birthday?  May 23. (Are you going to send me a card?)  Do you have any allergies?  Pollen.  Have you ever had any problem with drugs administered during anesthesia? I have never had anesthesia, but I have never had a problem with drugs—I have liked every one I ever took!  (God help these nurses).  Do you struggle with depression? Only when they play rap music on the radio.  Can you tell me why you are here today?  Well, I was the 10th caller and won a free spa day and here I am!  And the list went on and so did my answers!  Every time a new person came in they asked the same series of questions I gave the same series of answers, at least for a while.  Sometimes it gets tiring being so funny. 

They came to put in my IV for fluids and get me ready for my drug cocktail.  Now this may sound weird (shocker), but nurses get pretty excited about sticking me with needles.  I have great veins!  I have been to other doctors’ appointments where one nurse will call another one back to look at my veins—I felt like such a piece of meat!  Or another appointment where they were simply doing my weight and blood pressure, but once that blood pressure cuff tightened up the nurse looked at me and said, “I would like to get you in the lab to draw blood.”  It felt a little forward, but I took it as a compliment.  So, I knew I wasn’t going to disappoint for my first surgery ever.  My nurse got a little twinkle in her eyes when she saw these blue veins staring her down. 

My anesthesiologist came by to talk about what she would be doing.  After asking me 20 questions, she asked if I wanted Pina Colada flavor for my drug cocktail (I like her).  I told her no it was too sweet but I would like to keep it tropical.  She asked, “Margarita?”.  No, to salty, been watching my sodium levels so I don’t retain water. It is almost speedo season.  I told her I would prefer to go with the Long Island Iced Tea. We laughed and she drugged me…

Finally, the doctor came in and gave the final orders and asked if I had any questions.  I couldn’t resist, so I started with:

1) Can you tell me your full name?

2) Why are you here today? 

3)  When is your birthday?

4) Is there anyone at home that makes you feel unsafe? (that is a fun one to answer)

5) Is there someone here that will drive you home after work?

I stopped there in light of time, but I think they got the point.  No questions.  I told all my new nurse and doctor friends it’s been nice knowing you as they put all my hair in a new plastic cap as if I was going to go prep some food somewhere, and then they wheeled me off. 

We went through some big metal doors and into the operating room.  I was a little nervous at this point, not due to the surgery, but mainly due to my open air gown and the table I was going on was cold medal.  And then at the foot of the bed they rolled up a covered table and where they then took the white sheet off of it as they adjusted the lights above my head for my upcoming photo shoot (I guess).  Laying on the table were about 200 really shiny surgery tools.  At that point I took it upon myself to remind them that I was only there to get a tumor taken out of my neck and apologized for all of jokes about a spa day. 

That’s all I remember.  It was pretty magical. Nothing!  Blank! (they should bottle that stuff and send it with you to staff meetings or family reunions) I woke up in another room I had not been in, with nurses I had never seen, on a different table.  My first thought was, I sure hope the transfer with this open air gown went ok. My second thought, YES—new people to work my jokes on.  New nurses came by asking if I felt ok.  Really?  I had no clue how I felt.  They did keep offering me ice chips so I took them.  I finally asked if they had any flavored snow cones.  The doctor came out and spoke to my wife while I was in recovery. Everything went great, better than great.  He expected a 4-6 hour surgery and was able to finish in 1.5 hours. (AWESOME--That means I have only missed 4 instead of 5 meals!)  No nerve damage and no neurological damage that we can see (Thank God, because I didn’t have much to work with) and your tumor was pretty impressive in size (Well thank you very much doctor).  He only had to make a 7-8-inch incision instead of a 14-16 inch because he could reach down into my chest cavity and pull it right out (Okay, that is gross).

I was pretty bored for the next hour as I laid there eating non flavored ice chips and talking to random nurses to pass the time. I even tried to talk to some other patients that were coming out of surgery to see if I could get any good dirt on them, but the nurses started shutting curtains like this was not normal behavior.  Must be those hippopotamus rules they try to keep around here.  Finally, another new nurse came and got me and wheeled me to my room where I got a fancy bed with buttons.  I could even operate the TV from my bed.  Why would anyone want to trade this in and go home.  It was genius!  Do you know how many times a day I lose the remote?  Or when I need to get someone’s attention in the other room I have to scream across the house, but now I can just push a button.

The rest of time was pretty uneventful. Some new nurses arrived, so I was able to recycle some old jokes, blue veins, protein bars, and the occasional push of the nurse’s station button just to make sure my bed was working.  Don’t worry I always told them something important when I called like, “thanks for dinner it was really great”, or “Good night, I will see you in morning unless you have a shift change or I die and if so it was great to meet you.”   I am sure they really appreciated this personal touch. 

Tumor Extraction Party Day, with my wife, Jordin

I sat and continued to listen to my surgery play list and take in the experience as I listened to “Cuts like a Knife” and “First Cut is the Deepest”.  I started thinking about life and the surgeries that we all probably need to undergo.  Not physical ones necessarily, but emotional, spiritual, mental, etc.  It was interesting how many people touched my chart from the time I arrived to the time I left.  Well over 30 people I can remember. Over 30 people for a tumor!  What would it look like if we allowed 30 people around us to help us with the tumors of our life. The tumor of abuse as a kid or an adult.  The tumor of addiction.  The tumor of depression or anxiety.  The tumor of unethical decisions.  The tumor of a failing marriage.  The tumor of a broken dream, a lost job, a friendship gone bad, a miscarriage, a health report, a rebellious child, a distant parent. Tumors come in many shapes and sizes don’t they?  They are placed all through our lives and affect us even when we don’t realize it. 

It took me over a year to even have my tumor in my neck looked at.  It took me over 20 years to have the tumor of sexual abuse looked at.  Thirty people are you kidding me?  Wouldn’t it be easier to just learn to live with the tumor?  Yes, and no.  Yes, you can live with it but it will have its consequences. It reminds me of throwing a rock into the water of a lake and watching the ripple effect go out from where the rock started the motion.  Did you know even after you can’t see the ripple effect it is still going, in fact it hits the shore and then bounces off and starts coming back. Trauma (no matter how small we think it is) does the same thing.  When it happens in our lives it is like the rock dropping in the water and from that the ripple effects and consequences start happening and it doesn’t matter what is in the way IT WILL affect them (and us).  You may not even be able to see the consequences at first but they are there and will eventually break through. 

I started to think about all the training and organization that went into my neck surgery.  The parking valet for patients, the receptionist girl that welcomed me and got me registered, to the nurses, doctors and even home health care folks that came by to make sure I had everything I needed when I left.  How different this is than how we care for one another in our lives in the midst of our trauma and surgeries that are needed.  Oh, we might have one or two professionals helping us (if we are really brave) and a couple friends we have let know what is happening (at least sort of know). But what would happen if we purposely surrounded ourselves with other transparent leaders with different skill sets to lighten our load during our surgery so that when we are healed up, we can do the same for them and others.  Imagine your family, your team at work, your circle of friends, your neighbors (even that guy that won’t mow his yard) ALL working together in tandem helping you.  Seems a little strange doesn’t it unless you are in the hospital.  I wonder how excited and confident you would feel in the operating room and if it was only the doctor and one other person.  The same two people admitted you, took your vitals, parked your car, registered you, gave you the good drugs, rolled you down to surgery, did surgery, hung out with you afterwards, took you to recovery and then to your room, went and got your food, came running every time you pushed your buttons on the magic bed, and then went and printed your papers for discharge.  That seems even MORE strange and dangerous, and you would agree that the level of care would drop dramatically and you probably would just want to keep the tumor because it was safer. 

Stay with me for just another couple paragraphs.  Maybe, this is why we try to live with so much pain in our lives.  We don’t have anyone to help us.  If we do, it is only one or two people and I hope you can see that is not enough.  You see, transparent leadership involves everyone in your tribe, not just the warriors.  Everyone caring for everyone so everyone can be better.  That sounds like a pretty counter cultural view of leadership doesn’t it?  I thought I was supposed to rise to the top and tell those who are below me what to do so we can make more money, have more power, create more influence?  That would be closer to being a great dictator or at best a king rather than leader. 

Who in your life do you need to let in?  I promise there are people waiting and wanting to help—they just don’t know.  And here is some free insight from my life.  It is actually easier to deal with my old tumors in life—the ones that are there that need to be dealt with but seem to be lying dormant—rather than the new developing tumors that are happening in real time that I can see every time I look in the mirror, or go to work, or engage with certain people.  But here is the thing that I have found in life—EVERY TUMOR IS CONNECTED IN SOME WAY(S).  It’s the ripple effect in the water. They all keep crossing and bumping into each other affecting the direction of my choices in life.  Most of the time I find my past tumors have unfortunately helped form my new ones.  The attitudes, behaviors, insights or lack thereof that I have come out of my inability to process the tumors I had in my life as a child, teenager, and young adult. 

I need help and so do you, and just like Sheryl Crow said, the first cut is the deepest, but it opens the wounds of life to breath. And I hear they can even heal if we surround ourselves with the right people and enough of them. My encouragement is to gather your tribe and be brave and trust them to talk alongside of you.  Share your tumor(s) with them.  Show it to them.  And let them play their role in helping you heal so you can help others do the same.  Being a transparent leader sucks some times, but as you work through the pain or problem you and everyone around you rises to a new level.  One last piece of advice and I will stop typing.  If you don’t feel like you aren’t making progress its okay to go get a second or third opinion, but I would also challenge you to see how many people you have brought around you - maybe it’s time to expand your tribe!

Heavy Lifting

Heavy Lifting

I was shopping early in the morning at Walmart and got to witness a team meeting. The store manager was gathering around the employees to get them hyped up and excited about their jobs (which was a very humorous event in my mind).  He had them clapping and cheering and calling out some medieval Walmart chant—the kind you could march into battle with.  My first thought was that I had walked in a locker room for a Super Bowl team.  My next thought was, this must be what it feels like to work somewhere they give you stock options. One of the managers talked about how great sales were this year compared to a year ago.  Then another manager got up and spoke about how they had had no injuries from employees in the last 120 days and we have a goal of no injuries in a year.  Then it happened!  Something that stayed with me for life that I would quote in jest and in encouragement. 

That same manager had a 50 lb. bag of dog food laying on the floor and did a role play where a customer accidentally knocked it off and now the employee has to put it back.  He showed the wrong way to do it that would cause injury to them and possibly the product as well, and then he said it—those 8 words that stuck to this day—“LIFT WITH YOUR LEGS NOT WITH YOUR BACK”.  And then he pulled a lady from the crowd. He brought her over and had her demonstrate how to lift this bag properly and put it away.  SHE DID IT LIKE A BOSS AND THEN EVERYONE CLAPPED! My first thought was, “That was absolutely stupid!  Your peers are clapping and cheering on how you lift dog food?”  If they could only see some of the stuff I do at work!  I think the only time I have ever been clapped for at work is once when I tripped in front of everyone and they clapped, laughed and cheered. And another job where I annoyed everyone (shocking I know) and when I quit, they started clapping because they were so glad THAT was over with. 

Over the next years I would always pull out that quote when I saw someone lifting something in the gym, house, street, school, you name it—“LIFT WITH YOUR LEGS NOT WITH YOUR BACK!”.  And every time I said it I would remember those people clapping for the dog food lifting lady. Ironically I have pulled muscles in my back several times for lifting with my back and not my legs.  I have seen people hurt themselves doing this in the gym, sports, and strangely in their homes reaching for a jar of pickles or simply twisting in a weird manner that ticked off their back muscles who were probably screaming at them, “LIFT WITH YOUR LEGS NOT WITH YOU BACK STUPID!”

I love to go to the gym and push myself to “Go Big or Go Home” when I exercise. I know that this resonates with some of you, but for others and it’s an excuse to simply GO HOME.  This illustration makes me think about all the other lifting I have done in life, and how I did most of it wrong, which only has continued to cause me pain and damage.  All of us have done a ton of heavy lifting in our lives:  emotional lifting, managing internal and external pain, financial lifting, friendship and family lifting, spiritual lifting, educational lifting, occupational lifting, ethical lifting, moral lifting and if you are like me you have done more incorrect forms of lifting in these areas of your life than you have doing it right.  I haven’t always had people come along side me to show me how to do it right so that I don’t do damage to myself or others around me when I am incorrectly lifting these things.  AND THEN, get this, I can actually tell you almost exactly how many times in my life people have come around me and cheered me on because I did it right.  In fact, in my office I have an “Atta-Boy” file where I could show you every email, letter, card, and scrap of paper that was ever given to me telling me what a great job I was doing and why.  I keep that file close because many days I feel like everything I touch I have lifted wrong and caused pain. 

When I examine my own heart and attitudes as a leader I have tried to break away from this with the people I guide.  I want to be a leader that says yes much more than I say no.  I want to be a leader that corrects through kindness and shows the positives in what they did, but the potential in what they can do if they tried it “this” way.  I want to be a leader that works with their team and doesn’t make the team feel like they are working for me.  But I also know that because of all the incorrect lifting I have done in life that I am hardest on myself and most days would love someone to simply clap and say good job.  This is no slight against the people that are leading me in this season of my life, I think we all need this.  I have never met anyone who has said “STOP ENCOURAGING ME, IT MAKES ME FEEL FUNNY!”  But I have met many people, like myself, due to their past who shut themselves off, become defensive, and withdraw themselves from the process, team, job, product, goal, mission, friendship, and life. 

LIFT WITH YOUR LEGS NOT WITH YOUR BACK (Insert Cheering Here)!  I believe the older we get the heavier the lifting gets.  The more we need others to come along side and encourage.  Our negative judgmental nature that we were all born with, if not harnessed and broken like a wild horse, will end up hurting us and others.  My thoughts about myself and others are one of the top two things that have done more damage in my leadership than almost anything else.  My tongue and the things I have said about myself and others came in at a close number two!  I have found that when I hadn’t dealt with all the junk in my life, then it was easier to throw that junk onto others. Sometimes it’s subconscious and we don’t even realize we are doing it.  I remember reading a paper by John Locke in which he stated, “All revolutions begin in your mind and then those thoughts evolve into words that eventually will evolve into action.”  Read that about 10 more times.  If you live in America and are reading this you are the product of the American Revolution, the War of 1812, the Civil War, and others.  Thank God we broke away from the English, so that we could have dental care and things like that!  Thank God we didn’t fall under the French or else we would not even like ourselves! And thank God the North and South were brought back together because the Red Neck Comedy Tour is one of my favorites.   We have to remember that everyone in a Revolution feels that that are doing the right thing, until we look back in history and see it with clearer facts and perspective.

We are much the same way in our own personal revolutions and internal wars.  We think we are right! Until we look back 10, 20, or 30 years later and see the carnage and devastation that has taken place.  We have all the money we need but our family left us or your kids hate you.  You did well in life, but you ran over everyone in your way to get there and now you don’t have any friends. Or you took other shortcuts that you hope no one ever finds out about.  I love this one—you never took a risk because you never felt you were smart enough, good enough, and whatever it was and think would just fail anyway. I could go on and fill pages of paper here but I think you get the idea. 

In my life, I have killed relationships in my family and with friends.  I have done more things I am not proud of, than the Kardashians entire family (maybe other than Bruce or whatever her name is now).  I have run from pain and problems and missed a deeper purpose and plan for my life.  I have disappointed, confused, saddened, destroyed, and angered others in my life who tried to be in my cheering corner.  Why?  Because I chose to lift and carry the weight that I was given in that moment the wrong way.  Maybe it’s a guy thing—or maybe I am just prideful—but it has always been nice to be seen as strong.  Internally I can fake being strong easily, although I am doing damage to myself almost every time I do. However, it is much harder to fake being strong on the outside. 

I remember in Junior High (Middle School to my millennial friends) I was trying to impress a girl (shocker I know) and was lifting things for her. First let me say that she was not cute—she was Middle School HOT! So I pulled out all the stops and wanted to prove that chivalry was still alive. I would lift everything and not let her help. This was great until I pulled a muscle in my back and almost cried in front of her. But I powered through like any mutant 13-year-old and did even more damage to my back.  Here is the kicker.  After we were done with the project she invited me to go with a group of friends to grab pizza and celebrate.  I couldn’t, I hurt SO BAD!  My chance at true love had abruptly ended and Jeff Butler (yes that is his real name and I hope he reads this someday—and he still owes me $3.24 for a breakfast I bought him) stepped in during that party and asked her to our spring dance. JERK! I went home in physical and emotional pain. 

I wonder how many things we miss out on in life because we lifted wrong. LIFT WITH YOUR LEGS NOT WITH YOUR BACK.  I wonder how much influence and leadership (that’s what leadership really is by the way—influence) we have missed by not dealing with the pain in our lives until it becomes so great that we have to withdraw from everyone who wants to cheer for us, so that we can heal or at least let the wound scab over and hope nobody notices.  I hope you are drawing the parallels from all of this.  We all lift a ton of weight in our lives, but we don’t have to lift it alone and we don’t have to lift it wrong.  I would love to help you, or as we say in the gym “Spot You” so that you don’t feel crushed.  Deal with that pain and remember to LIFT WITH YOUR LEGS NOT WITH YOUR BACK. 

Oh yeah one more thing—Cheer for others as they lift.  Point out the good not the bad.  Help them see their influence.  Speak into them - not at them.  Love them, even when it’s hard.  Encourage them, even when life seems discouraging.  I promise (money back guarantee) that when you do, you will also have a better outlook on life!  Enjoy your day and remember “Not every day is good, but there is good in every day!”  Now go LIFT WITH YOUR LEGS, NOT WITH OUR BACK!

Stop Making Excuses!

Stop Making Excuses

If you are a parent, you probably tell your kids this (or at least I hope you do) more than you want to! If you watch the news (fake or real), you have seen old newscasters criticize the younger generations for not taking responsibility and MAKING EXCUSES!  If you think about it, we all make excuses.  In fact, we are really good at it.  Some of us are professionals!  I know I am. 

I go to the gym almost every morning at 3:30 or 4:00 a.m. I know, most of you don’t even have those numbers on your clock.  I started a little over two years ago doing this nearly every day of the year.  In fact, last year one of my New Year’s resolutions was to only miss 21 days in the gym. I know… a little obsessive and weird. Why? I got sick of my excuses. I wanted to get healthy. The gym is my daily therapy to clear my head. I already get up early and I always try to figure out what to do not to wake up my family. And I set some goals for “gainz”—to be in the best shape of my life.  I achieved every one of my goals even forcing myself to miss 21 days (although that was hard).  I appreciate people who held me accountable, encouraged me, made fun of me for going, which only made me more determined (I know I am not right), and random strangers asking what I am doing to take care of myself.  All of these helped me to overcome my excuses. 

Many mornings I woke up and could not to go back to sleep, but definitely didn’t want to go to the gym, but I reminded myself--NO EXCUSES.  When you go to the gym and see the same people every morning that you have created some awkward gym friendships with, where we all greet each other with nods and hellos in what most people would call “the middle of the night” actually encouraged me in some weird way.  If they “skipped” a few days or were on vacation, the next time I saw them I would provide accountability by asking where they had been.  And they definitely did the same thing for me.  After explaining I had to at least skip 21 days they looked at me like I was a freak and walked off (personally, I think they were jealous). 

There are many people at the gym who have encouraged and inspired me, but Jim and Margret (in the picture above with me) have been the ultimate inspiration.  They are at the gym 5 days a week at 4:30 a.m. like clockwork.  Jim is in his 80s and Margret in her 70s (You go, Jim!) and they work out and do cardio like they are training for the “Senior Classic” body building show.  Jim goes from station to station with his walker and Margret has a trainer to help encourage her and probably (although I am not for sure) take away some of the excuses. 

Every time I start thinking about skipping a day (except for my 21 FREE skip days), I think of Jim and Margret.  “If they can do it, so can I.” We all need people like Jim and Margret in our lives that spur us on towards excellence, to finish the race, to give our best, to help us finish well.  However, it is interesting how willing we are to ask people or even hire people to do that in our lives for our physical fitness or for dietary needs or even someone to come alongside of us to train us corporately. We might follow a blog for parenting or maybe have a daily reading plan in our app to read the Bible, but when it comes to allowing people to come alongside of us emotionally in our lives, we are pretty reluctant.  It took me over 20 years after the child abuse in my life before I crawled kicking and screaming into a counselor’s office to admit I could not do it by myself.  This was after destroying several areas of my life and trying to figure out how I could screw up a few more.  It would be years later that I would ever DARE to SHARE my pain and brokenness with a “regular” person and not a professional who I was paying to keep my secret.   

Years later I still need help and get this—I always will! Why?  Because I am awesome at making excuses!  I act this way because…  I did that because… Oh, that part of my personality that is whack, that is because…  EXCUSES, every damn one of them.  Sorry if the word DAMN offends you but my excuses and lack of discipline continue to piss me off. I hate this about myself and I am glad I hate it!  How bad does it have to feel before you change? I hope you can feel my frustration; in fact, I might have broken my keyboard I am typing so hard right now.  Seems like every time I take one step forward in my life in these areas, I will turn around and take three steps back. Most of the time I try really hard, but at times (several of them lately) I honestly get SICK of trying. I want to quit! Throw in the towel!  Just settle for whoever I am! So guess what I do? You already know!  Say it! Or at least say it while you read it—I MAKE FREAKING EXCUSES. I need a Jim and Margret in this area of my life. I hired help to help me in the gym. I hired a nutritionist to help me trick my metabolism to get better results. I go to conferences, webinars, etc. to be better at my trade (jury’s still out on whether it is working).  Why, why, why can’t I/we put people in our lives that will walk with us through life that we can receive and allow honesty from as they speak into our lives?  Why (especially in America) do we feel weakness is remaining silent and therefore staying broken?  Why do I continue to make excuse after excuse in critical areas of my life that affect so many others?  Fear? Insecurities? Pride? Laziness? Exhaustion?  I honestly don’t know most days, but I do know I am not alone!

I hope that in EVERY area of my life I can grow and get the ‘Gainz’ that will help me be strong emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually strong.  I do know the only way it will ever happen for me is to STOP MAKING EXCUSES! To drive another stake in the ground (I have dozens of them that I have placed in my life for dozens of issues) saying enough is enough. In fact, one of my favorite movies of recent was “The Greatest Showman” (let the jokes incur) and one of my favorite songs of that movie was “From Now On.”  The opening verse and chorus are: 

I saw the sun begin to dim

And felt that winter wind

Blow cold

A man learns who is there for him

When the glitter fades and the walls won't hold

Cause from then, rubble

One remains

Can only be what's true

If all was lost

Is more I gain

‘Cause it led me back

To you

From now on

These eyes will not be blinded by the lights

From now on

What's waited till tomorrow starts tonight

Tonight

Let this promise in me start

Like an anthem in my heart

From now on

From now on

FROM NOW ON, NO MORE EXCUSES!  Start today!  Don’t go back!  Move forward!

If you struggle with this, know that you are not alone and let me encourage you to take a risk, trust someone to share it with. Be transparent so other people can know the real you! And if I can help you or your team in this area I would love to and share the successes and failures and difference this can make in your team and most importantly YOU!

What’s Wrong With Me?

What’s Wrong With Me?

It’s a question all of us ask at some point in our lives.  “What’s wrong with me?”  Maybe it’s after someone we love has left us, or after losing a job. Or maybe you are like me, and you locked your keys in your car 3 times in 2 weeks and the same locksmith came to your house each time and you walked away from that situation asking, “What is wrong with me?”  We ‘kind of’ mean it as a rhetorical question, but at the same time we ‘sort of’ want an answer—but only if it is a good one.  “Brice you are so focused on others you just forget where your keys are sometimes!”  “You were too advanced for that job and probably just threatened the CEO!” “They were broken and just didn’t know how to be loved the “right” way!”  Those are the good answers we want to hear but somewhere inside of us (me) I know that there was actually something wrong with me.  “Brice, you are too scattered and disorganized right now in life, slow down and pay attention!” “Your personality was too combative, you were too passive, your skill set wasn’t quite right, you didn’t fit on the team the way you should have so we had to let you go.”  “You didn’t invest yourself in the relationship like you should have and closed yourself off and became cold.”  What’s wrong with me?

It is a tough question to ask and an even harder one to hear an answer to sometimes.  Nearly three years ago I was forced to ask the question, “What is wrong with me?” After coming home from the gym to a group of friends who arrived early at our house.  I walked in the door and one of my friends who was an ER doctor came over and asked, “What’s wrong with your neck?”  There was a bulge on the right side. I told him I had been working out so there was a pretty good chance it was just muscle.  He told me to go get it checked.  Like a good man I did exactly what he said to do, ONE YEAR LATER.  The bulge continued to get bigger and when I lifted weights and strained, it protruded out of the side of my neck.  Personally, I thought it was pretty cool to brag about and for party tricks, but I finally relented and went to get it checked.  I started with my family doctor, who immediately sent me to an ENT. What’s wrong with me?

The ENT ordered an xray, CT Scan, MRI, and did an ultrasound on site. I started looking all this up to see what it actually meant and after the ultrasound I was excited to find out that I was not pregnant—it was only a tumor in my neck!  I thought he would just say something like, “It’s all good, bro! Just rub this cream on it and it’ll go away!” I wish it was that easy. The doctor said, “while you’re here today, we might as well drain it.” Honestly, I wanted to go home and keep my cool party trick in my neck, but I didn’t want to turn in my ‘man card’ for being a wuss.  “Okay, let’s do it”. What’s wrong with me?!

The nurse was very nice, but a little condescending when she took my hand and held it and said, “It’s going to be okay. The bigger they are the more scared they are (kind laugh ensues)”.  My first thought was—note to self, no Christmas card for her.  The doctor inserted the needle guiding it with the ultrasound machine so that he hit the problem area.  He started draining it and filled one giant syringe and then ½ of another.  He pulled out the needle and held gauze against the side of neck as if I were bleeding out and asked the nurse to get me a glass of water. Personally, I was thinking whiskey and a stick would have been a lot better twenty minutes ago, but whatever.  They sat me up and gave me the water and I asked if I could lay back down.  I about fainted, 3 times.  I WAS a wuss!  What is wrong with me?  I looked in the mirror and I had completely sweat through my shirt. I looked like I had run a marathon. Regardless, I was glad it was over.

I asked the doctor what was next, and he said, “we will let you know but don’t worry”.  Don’t worry?  Seriously?  I came in to have you give me topical cream to make all my problems go away and now I have been lanced and drained and my “specimen” is being sent off for pathology. Are we talking about cancer here? And I can’t even stand up straight without fainting. Don’t worry?  What is wrong with me?!  He told me, “You have nothing to worry about.  We see these all the time, although yours is bigger than most - almost all of them come back clear.  We will call you in 2-3 days to let you know”.  “Almost always?”  I am the guy that locked his keys in the car three times in the past two weeks.  I am the guy who has been trapped in the lady stall of the public restroom more times than I can count because I don’t pay attention to small details.  I have been lost driving, over-drafted my bank account because I tried to predict when my paycheck would get deposited and when the check I wrote would clear and usually always came up short.  I am that guy! so “almost always” doesn’t really apply here. Two days later I got the call that the pathology came back clear.  What is wrong with me? NOTHING—or at least that’s what I thought. 

I thought it was just a weird fluke cyst, until about 6 months later I was lifting weights and I noticed something bulging out of the side of my neck again.  My first thought was, “hello little friend, you are back to go do some more party tricks!” and then reality sat in and I thought well that has to be a muscle because I had the tumor drained.  So, I did what any good man would do, I watched it grow for the next month or so.  But I started having other symptoms, like losing my voice, having difficult hearing in my right ear, and trouble breathing and sleeping at night. After avoiding it for as long as I could and trying to hide it by wearing turtlenecks (which are very unstylish and hot to wear in Florida) I went back to my ENT.  I did not want the needle again, but knew I needed to get this thing checked out.  Upon looking at it this time, he told me I need to go see a different ENT.  My first assumption was I must be special and deserve better care than the medieval torture that I had received prior.  I came to find out they just have fancier equipment and charge your insurance company more, but they did have free coffee and bottled water in their lobby so I attempted to drink the value of my copay. 

After more weeks of waiting I finally got an appointment and went to see him.  After another x-ray and MRI, his first words to me after introducing himself were, “Man, that is a big bulge in your neck!”  My response was, “Actually doc, I am just excited to see you.”  The fun part about going to lots of doctor appointments is you can repeat the same jokes over and over to really perfect them and see what works.  So it was that response or “Thanks, I get that all the time!” The first one was a winner and got a good laugh out of him, although I have found that the ENT community lacks in humor compared to the Oncology department (those are some funny people). 

After telling me everything the last doctor told me, he said that the cyst had grown back larger and much faster than it should have, and he wanted to send me to a head and neck surgeon. Well, that escalated quickly!  Can’t we try the needle thing again? I was out of jokes. Cancer was back on the table now. What is wrong with me?!  This doctor was concerned how large it was and that it’s likely attached to some lynch nodes. He referred me to a surgeon in Pensacola that was supposed to give me a call in the next few weeks.  A few weeks? Whew, I thought this was important.  So I went home and downplayed it all again but told some friends and family who then started advocating on my behalf by encouraging me to call and push them to act more quickly.  This was too long to wait!  Well, I really wasn’t looking forward to having my head filleted open and what happens if they DO find something.  At least right now I just have a cool party trick that I can show off and share couple good jokes about. 

Long story short! A friend knew one of the surgeons in the area that specializes in this and he called on my behalf and they got me an appointment the following day. Other people told me this was God working in the details of my life and my story, but to me it seemed like things just kept getting serious faster than I was ready for. Honestly, I have a lunch appointment tomorrow so it might not be a good day for me.  I changed my plans (by request) and went in to get another MRI, CT Scan, and Ultra Sound (Still not pregnant). (keep in mind this is now the 4th doctor I’ve seen for the same issue). I imagine the people at my insurance claims division were cussing my name by this point, but little did they know it was about to get worse.  The doctor sat me down after looking at everything and said, “you have a cyst about the size of an oblong softball in your neck that you probably have had from birth, but for whatever reason it’s filled up and grown recently.” It’s called a bronchial cleft cyst.  It appears it is attached to a lymph node and runs down past your voice box into your chest cavity.  We do not know what damage it has done, and probably has all of the nerves on that side of your body wrapped around it.  It may even be pushing on neurological portions of your brain that could cause problems”.  My first thought honestly was that is why I keep locking my keys in my car and losing things!  I knew it wasn’t really my fault, it is a medical condition!  (I wonder if I will get a handicap sticker or if this will get me to the front of the line at Disney.)

What about a cancer doctor? We are not sure, but need to test for more types and places but it is definitely not in the cyst because due to the size you would already be dead.  Which I told him, would make this appointment very awkward, i.e. Weekend at Bernie’s.  So what do I need to do?  Drum roll… More tests. He sent me to Shands Hospital Oncology department in Gainesville for specialized cancer testing and… we need to drain it… AGAIN.  What is wrong with me?? 

At some point you start wondering where this is heading.  Does it really matter?  I am worth more dead than I am alive (at least on paper).  When you get to the point of 4-7 doctor appointments per week you start feeling like everything is slipping out of your control.  Here is the thing though, I know it is not too much different in most areas of our lives.  We all love control at some level.  Control of our job, our schedules, our relationships, where the peanut butter is on the shelf, if the toilet paper is rolled over or under, etc.  It doesn’t really matter but when you feel like everything is slipping out of your control I usually try to hold on tighter.  What is wrong with me?

“The pain we hold onto from our past only prohibits the purpose of our future…“

At our fundamental core all of us have SOMETHING wrong with us.  Past pains, problems, broken relationships, financial failures, sickness, depression, anxiety, pride, and a few of you reading this actually think you have it all together which is the scariest WRONG you could ever have because there is no acceptance or awareness of the issue.  Once we embrace our problem(s) and allow others to come alongside us, the quicker we are able to start growing through them.  Please don’t miss these steps:

1) Admit—you have something wrong with you.

2) Accept—that they have an effect on how you live your life.

3) Ask for and receive help—others to come into your pain and problems and know the real you.

When you do this, then co-workers become friends and family (good ones), friends who you watch the game with or went shopping with are now friends who are closer than a brother or sister.  They can see into you in ways you never allowed before, so that you can continue to grow as a person and as a friend. 

Don’t worry, I didn’t stay at Shands (this made the 5th doc I’d seen for this issue thus far). They stuck things in my nose, down my throat, needles in my gums, and did a head scan (was very excited they found a brain although it was not as large as I thought it would be) and no cancer was found anywhere.  I just had a giant cyst in my neck that still needed to be removed.  As much as I had been feeling sorry for myself and my “condition,” it was humbling walking through the oncology department realizing instantly how healthy and blessed I was. Perspective matters. I was reminded of something my grandfather told me one time: “Brice, if you can wipe your butt and tie your own shoes then you are in GREAT health!”  Pretty true statement right there.  As I drove home after Shands, I simply had to change my mindset to look at what was ahead and not focus on all I had gone through. 

What is wrong with me?  I don’t know, but I promise something is!  What are you going to do with it?  Hide behind it?  Get angry?  Deny it? Cover it up?  Lie about it?  Compensate for it? Or dig in and admit, accept, and allow others to be a part of it!  It is not easy, and I am living proof that these steps will take a can take a lifetime if you don’t face them when you should, but they not only allow me to grow as a leader but help everyone that I allow to come into my circle of influence.  I hope you will continue to grow as a Transparent Leader and show others the real you.