Pure Joy

Pure Joy

When you watch a child, you can see pure joy. When you watch a puppy, you can see pure joy. When you watch a cat, you can see pure evil. As adults it gets harder and harder to see pure joy or even know what that means at times. Is anything pure? Completely? 100%? No additives or impurities? Especially joy? Think about it this way, we have moments of joy, but they are usually squelched pretty fast with the cell phone going off, or an email that comes through, or simple chores that have to take place. You might get a phone call that causes pure joy from a friend you haven’t spoken to in years, but it comes at a time when your children are arguing and fighting in the floor in front of you. Or you had a great day at work that brought you pure joy in what you do, but you go home to a spouse that had a bad day, so… your joy is over. How do you hold on to pure joy? I wish I had that answer in full, but I don’t and I won’t pretend to and make a simple blog post on “Five Happy Hops to Pure Joy.”

However, I met someone last week who seems to have Pure Joy, almost all the time. Let me introduce you to my new friend, Ki! That is short for his full name which I never really understood, nor did I need to because he always answered to Ki and that that is what he preferred. Ki did not introduce himself to me, but after hearing him sing, I introduced myself to him. I was in a worship service where I was getting ready to preach another riveting message that would hopefully transform the room and everyone would be in awe (let the sarcasm flow). I had decided to sit in the back of the room to watch everyone instead of the traditional front row so I could jump on stage. Little did I know that I was getting ready to see Pure Joy that transcended the room and even took me from a room to 200-300 to being an audience of one.

Many times when I speak I don’t sing, but just listen to preserve my voice, especially when I have to speak multiple times in a very short period of time like this experience was going to be. So, sitting in the back of the room listening to worship songs being sung I hear a voice to my right that was not the voice of an angel as we would normally refer to someone who has an incredible voice. But it was as close to the voice of a real angel that I have ever heard. He was not in tune for the melody or even the harmony. He even missed the beat on a few of the stanzas. However, he did not miss a word. More important than that he entered into a place of PURE JOY and PURE WORSHIP. As soon as the announcements were over and the worship songs started, Ki took off his headphones from the computer game he was playing and stood up and began singing to an audience of one. There was no one else in the room except Ki and Jesus. He sang loud and proud, raising his hands and closing his eyes as his body swayed to the beat of the music. Ki caught my attention and I was mesmerized. I could not help to stare at him in awe and wondered to myself if this is what worship would look and feel like by all of us when we are in the presence of God someday in heaven.

Two minutes prior to that I was going through my opening paragraph in my mind of the message and the first two points so that I would not have to glance at my notes. Now I didn’t care about speaking but just wanted to have what Ki had. This went on for about 20 minutes and then the music ended and there was a prayer. At the end of the prayer Ki sat down and put those headphones back on and started playing his game again until the end of the service. As I walked to stage, I thought to myself—I wonder how I could get what Ki has—Pure Joy! At first, I thought maybe the key was wearing headphones during the announcements and sermon so that you can’t hear them to have pure joy, but that did not do anything to stroke my ego so I abandoned that thought pretty quickly. But I did wonder if we gave more than we got or praised more than we postured ourselves to receive if we would put ourselves in a position to experience PURE JOY.

The next night at worship I sat a little closer to Ki. I guess you could say he drew me in. Like clockwork right after announcements—headphones off and commence to worship! PURE JOY, again! After worship—sit down and put headphones back on.

After the worship service I sought out Ki and introduced myself and told him how much I enjoyed his singing and worshiping with him. His response, “Thanks, I love singing to Jesus!” and then he walked off. I chuckled a little that that was it and then I wondered if Pure Joy starts with simplicity of focus. If I were not distracted by what I had to say in just a few minutes or what I was wearing, or what I had to do tomorrow or when I get home, and a hundred other things would pure joy be easier to tap into. This experience (and this blog post) may leave more questions than answers, but at least gets me to thinking about something that seems to have eluded me most of my life.

I was then reminded of a Bible verse. James 1:2-4, “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Allow perseverance to finish its work, so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything… This IS NOT what I saw in Ki. What I was observing seemed to be the opposite of this. It seemed to be a singular focus that brought pure joy, NOT facing trials of many kinds. But then I started wondering what Ki had been through in his life. What frustrations, losses, hurts, aggravations, etc. that would bring him to the point of pure joy.

At dinner I had the privilege of talking with Ki’s grandparents and finding out a little more about him. Ki is a highly functioning autistic young man who by the age of 8 went through 13 surgeries (trials of many kinds), his father left by the age of 5 due to the stress and strain it caused on the marriage (trials of many kinds), was bullied and picked on in school from 1st grade on (trials of many kinds), gets frustrated at times because he can’t express himself or understand how others are trying to communicate to him (trials of many kinds), can’t drive or be out on his own (trials of many kinds), most likely will be dependent on others for his well-being (trials for many kinds), his grandparents had to raise him because his mom could not as a single mom (although she is still involved in his life) and the list goes on. Understanding a little of where Ki comes from helped me understand he had something else that has evaded me in life--True Perseverance. Ki overcame!

I have had struggles of many kinds as well. Go back and read all my past blog posts and then keep reading more in the future, and they will be full of my trials. BUT, I am still stuck in many of mine. They still haunt me, define me, enslave me, and keep me from being mature and complete, not lacking anything. Most days I feel I lack most everything, but somehow Ki let it go and moved on towards perfection in Christ. I told you that this blog would raise more questions than answers, but I hope we all will stop and reflect on what it is that keeps us from experiencing pure joy more often in life. What is it about our lives, past and present trials, the pace in which we live, or negative self-talk or behaviors that might be keeping us from experiencing a completeness and in turn PURE JOY.

I will be forever grateful for Ki and others like him, who have allowed me just a small glimpse into their world so that I can see what having pure joy might look like.

Finish the Book!

Finish the Book!

Growing up I did not really enjoy reading. I equate that to being forced to read as a kid for school. I vividly remember my parents forcing me to read a book that I had to write a report on. The only problem is we were on a trip driving through the mountains of Colorado and I was in the back seat on mountain roads. The book was about ants and how to start an ant farm (which I did, by the way, until the dog accidently knocked it over causing the dirt and ants to go all over the house). I can remember the cover of the book to this day. Not because it was a beautiful picture but because of what happened next. 

I read each chapter as quickly as I could as I was jostled around from one side of the car to the next (this was pre-seatbelt days where riding in the back seat was an adventure) and then I would pause to write a short paragraph about what I had read. Then back to reading. Then back to writing. Then back to reading. And then back to writing... one chapter at a time until finally I was finished. What an accomplishment. My parents told me when I was done reading we would stop for dinner wherever I want.

Finished! I was so hungry. “Where do you want to eat, Brice?” TACO BELL! I don’t remember what I ordered, but I know it was a lot. And the only reason I know that is because about 10 minutes after I ate it, most all of it came back up all over me, the back seat, and that stupid ant book! Note to self: Don’t read in the back seat of your car in the mountains because if you tend to get car sick. Then definitely celebrate finishing the book with a Mexican Fiesta with extra sauce and cheese. After getting myself cleaned up, I remember having to clean up that ant book since I had to return it to the school library for some other poor kid to have to read, unbeknownst to him that it had been puked on.

I learned another life lesson that day. Don’t rush through the book. Instead, let each chapter settle. You have to finish one chapter at a time and then move on to the next so that eventually you can finish the book, preferably without puking all over yourself.

Well, it’s time to close another chapter on my book of life that has been being written over the past nearly 18 years of my life. It has been a great chapter with tons of celebration, happiness, friends, growth, drama, tragedy, fear, anxiety, love, birth, death, struggles, anticipation, wondering, and everything that the best of novels has to offer. On Wednesday, June 30, 2021 I will close my chapter of working at and being a pastor at Crosspoint Church in northwest Florida.

To say that this chapter hasn’t been one of the best ever would be an understatement. It was a restart to life for me. I got married here. We started a family here. Ministry flourished here while I was in Niceville and while I was in Crestview. I got to see thousands of people give their life to Christ. I got to meet some of the best people in the world and to grow in my leadership and influence because of them. I was able to partner with people globally to make a greater Kingdom impact. One of the most exciting things was I got to see both of my children accept Jesus as their personal Lord and Savior and grow to have a heart of service and ministry for the bigger church and their community and world. I was able to truly begin the healing process in my life from my past hurts, and use that pain for a deeper passion in ministry and life. I have a very long way to go but I am so much farther than where I was. Crosspoint became our home and our family. I have had my struggles continuing to deal with past demons of my life, having them rear their heads in new ways causing me to stumble and fall at times, but I am thankful for a church and friends who have stood with me at every turn and helped me get back up and keep walking. It has been a great chapter, but it is time to close it to open the next one. You can’t finish the book until you finish the chapter and start the next one.

I have been asked at least a couple hundred times: “What are you going to do next?” My response has been the exact same: I HAVE NO IDEA. I haven’t opened that chapter yet. I have dreams and aspirations. I have hopes and ideas. I have NO anxiety or worry about it and I know God is going to start writing an incredible script that will bring about more happiness, joy, laughter, dreams, peace, love, tragedy, tears, life, death, smiles, and all the other things that make up the best of novels. What will I be doing during all that? Enjoying the journey and simply working through another chapter until my book is complete.

I have grown to learn it is not so much what you do, but how you do it that makes a bigger impact for the Kingdom and adds value and worth to your life and to the lives of others. I don’t know what I will do, but I know how I will do it! Don’t rush through the chapters of life… it might make you puke! Pause between paragraphs so you can appreciate the story, share it with others, and then listen to their story. Make the font a little larger (not like old people GIANT print, just bigger) so you don’t have to strain looking at life so much. Leave some margin on the page so life is readable. Don’t be afraid of putting the book down for a while and thinking about what you are doing and why you are doing it. And please, be sure to realize it is not nearly as much about what you do as it is how you do it and who you bring along with you on the journey!

Enjoy the next chapter! Know that I am. Read on and finish your book. Just be sure it doesn’t make you puke.

When You Don’t Really Know What’s Next

When You Don’t Really Know What’s Next (Even Though They Told You)

Well, the doctor appointments were over and I was home. Now I waited for a few more test results before they told me what I needed to do. Everyone around me worried and thought about it enough for me, so I just tried to block it from my mind and go back to work, life, getting up every 1-2 hours, and peeing 7-10 times per night while I waited. When people keep asking you how you are doing and you are up all the time and not sleeping, you have plenty of time to think about that question and to start to get a little stressed. Why couldn’t they ask me, “What is your favorite rock band and why?” or “If you had to choose 5 things to go do in the next year and money was not an issue, what would they be?” That would have been awesome, but no, I was asked, “How are you doing?” “Have you heard anything yet?”  “Are you sleeping any better?” I know people were well meaning, but I felt like getting a T-shirt printed with answers on it to save time and energy. It has served as a great lesson to me to not ask questions of people who are medically struggling, but just make statements. 

They told me it would be 3-5 days and then the doctor would call to confirm any tests and to follow up on what would be needed next. Three days went by pretty quickly and I did not have any expectations, but something happened on day 4-5 when I did not hear anything. At first, anxiety started to hit me when I wondered when the doctor was going to call, and then when I did not hear from him on day 5, I started to worry and wondered if they forgot about me (a message I send to myself quite often from my past). Finally, I started to think if they didn’t contact me yet it must not be important and everything must be okay. The people around me were getting very impatient and pushing me to call and follow up through my medical portal. Honestly, I never had signed into my medical portal in the past 1.5 years of going through this, so I wasn’t even sure what that meant, but it sounded pretty cool. It sounded like I got to travel through some time dimension or something—“Let me enter into my medical portal—I will be right back.” I knew at this point I wasn’t dying, so honestly, I wasn’t too concerned about not hearing anything… but like I said, I had enough people around me who were anxious and overly worried that they were able to give me their extra anxiety and fears.

On day six I got an email that my medical portal had been updated, but again had no idea how to sign in so I forwarded it on to my wife/medical assistant (for tax write-off purposes I gave her this title) to check it for me. The doctor sent a message that everything looked good, but surgery would be needed to fix my frequent urination problem. The doctor finally called to go over the type of surgery I would need (don’t ask me the name of it—I can’t pronounce or spell it therefore I can’t remember it). It was a simple surgery the doctor said would only take about an hour. They would keep me in the hospital overnight for observation and to make sure I could pee after it was over and then send me home. Sounded simple. Awesome. Pee problem solved! I get to sleep again! Let’s do it.

I didn’t really understand what the surgery was except they were going to put a laser up inside my body and trim off a portion of my prostate. I also had a small cyst in my bladder and prostate that they would remove via the laser at the same time. Of course the only thing that came to my head was the Austin Powers movie when Dr. Evil said, “Are those frickin' sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their frickin' heads?” - which made me laugh and I thought that would be pretty cool, but then quickly remembered how they have to navigate to get to my prostate. Suddenly sharks with frickin’ laser beams attached to their head didn’t sound so good! OUCH! After getting my mind back to what the doctor was saying (I missed a big portion of the conversation thinking about the Austin Powers movie), he asked if I have any questions. Since I didn’t really hear anything that he said, I didn’t really have any questions. “No, I think I got it—lasers—prostate—a little zap here—a little zap there—and I get to go pee like a 20-year-old again! I’m good…when can we do it?” He told me scheduling would reach out to me to schedule surgery, but it would be in the next two weeks. The doctor also told me that he was very confident that this would work, but he had to let me know there was about a 3-5% chance this would not work. Another movie quote from Dumb and Dumber popped in my head, “So you’re saying there’s a chance!” It’s hard being me!

Well, back to the waiting game to see when surgery would be. I returned to my normal life of no sleep and regular bathroom visits. I will be honest—during this whole process I began to sit when I pee. Before I lose a man card, it was because I was so tired and I was always there. I got tired of lifting the lid and then putting it back down (lazy, I know, but very courteous at least). I could actually rest in the restroom if I sat down. So, I embraced the feminine position to pee and IT WAS AWESOME. Some days I actually fell asleep peeing. Crazy, I know! I checked email, Facebook, returned emails, texts. I was taking multitasking to a whole new level but I embraced this new lifestyle—wondering how much joy I had missed in the previous 49 years of my life simply standing up and staring at the wall. It’s nice as a guy that I can be a switch hitter and stand or sit, but if I am honest I am going to stay true to a sitting lifestyle from here on out.

I was sitting there going pee and checking my email and saw that that a message just came through to my medical portal. So I did what any man would do—I stood up after peeing and went and asked my wife to tell me what was going on. She soon signed on to my portal (by the way I still have never signed on to this modern contraption) and they had sent a date and time with an appointment for that afternoon to call me to confirm. They called and the nurse went over some of the game day details and used some more big medical jargon to justify charging insurance and then asked if I had any questions. “Well, only one. Does an apple a day really keep the doctor away?” (I had always wanted to ask a doctor this, but forgot every time I was in their office, but this seemed like the perfect opportunity.) She laughed on the other end of the phone and then said, “Only if you aim really well!” Awesome—I liked her.

So everything was set for my surgery in ten days. Now it was time to WAIT and WONDER and WORRY! These seem to be the 3-W’s of life, don’t they? We go through our whole life waiting for what is next, wondering what it will be, and worrying if it is going to be enough, or the right thing, or what I really need, or what my kids need, or will it be safe, or… (you fill in the blank of your life). It’s amazing how these three words continue to pop back into my life. When you find out you are going to be a parent, you wait for what seems like an eternity for the baby to finally get here. You wonder if you have what it takes to be a parent or even just wonder what it will be like to be one. Then we worry we will mess this kid up, or what will this do to our marriage, my life, my bank account, my free time, my… Or maybe you experienced these 3-Ws early in life waiting to hear if you made that team, that organization, got accepted into that college, received that job, to hear that health report, to receive those legal papers, the first time your teenager takes the keys to the car, the second time your teenager takes the keys to the car, and the list goes on and on and on. It seems we wait, wonder and worry most of our life.

I don’t know about you, but I hate waiting. Most leaders do, but wise leaders know, however, that it is part of a fermentation process. Waiting produces patience, and patience produces endurance. I have to remind myself often that I am in a marathon, not a sprint (even though sometimes I have to pick up the pace). Waiting is a humbling reminder that there is not too much in this world that I can really control. One area we can control are our thoughts during the waiting period. We are 100% responsible for the thoughts in our mind that lead to actions in our lives. Good or bad, we are responsible for them. And with each one of them come consequences—good and bad (and sometimes neutral). Waiting is an art form that is best illustrated in my mind by watching surfers. I am not a surfer. I wish I was, but I grew up in South Dakota where our water was frozen the majority of the year. Plus, I don’t want to drown or get eaten by sharks and surfing could cause both of those things. But I love to watch surfers—especially good ones. On one of my visits to the North Shore of Oahu I stopped and got some fresh shrimp and sat with about 50 people, three seals, and two sea turtles who came up on the shore while I watched four surfers paddle out to try to catch some 10-14 foot waves (relatively small for some of these surfers I later found out). They would paddle out and go to where there was a breaking point in the ocean—that place where the ocean floor shifted from deep to becoming shallow which helped push the water up causing what would become a swell and eventually a wave to ride into shore. These guys (sorry, ladies, it was four guys) sat on their boards and caught their breath. On their paddle out to the break they easily missed 3-4 great waves, but they weren’t in the right position to receive them so they waited and kept going. After catching their breath, they laid flat on their boards and waited and watched. Honestly, I can’t tell a good swell from a bad swell—they all looked swell to me! Somehow they could tell which ones were going to be great waves and which ones were going to break up too soon. Waiting creates wisdom! Finally, after what seemed a lifetime of sitting on the beach, eating shrimp, and watching the monk seals scoot closer to me as they made weird sounds, one of the surfers began to paddle like there was a shark behind him (I checked and did not see one). He followed the direction of the wave until the swell had risen out of the water just enough for him to use its momentum to push him and do the majority of the work. It was amazing. The swell got bigger and bigger and started to create a crest that was going to break at what seemed like 100 feet tall to me. Even though it was only about 14 feet high, it was going to be enough to create an incredible ride and a barrel that he would be able to go through and put on an amazing show.

It was not only amazing to me how they know what wave to take, but also it was equally as amazing that he knew exactly when to stop because if he went too far he would hit a bunch of volcanic rocks. Not only was his focus on a hundred different things that he was doing to surf this incredible wave, but he also knew his exact location in the ocean. Amazing. In his waiting he watched and learned from the ocean and from others. He counted how long he had to get up and get going and then in his mind knew how long he had left to enjoy the ride before he had to get off the board and then paddle back out and start again. Waiting creates patience that creates endurance. These surfers were there before I got to the beach and stayed after I left. I was easily there for two hours and was worn out just watching them. But when you have a passion for something and you learn to wait for just the right timing, then time doesn’t really matter. You simply enjoy the ride.

“Wonder” is an interesting word. I can wonder what is going to happen in a particular situation and I can be in wonder of what is happening or is going to happen in a particular situation. I get to choose which way to approach the word and the situation, which will determine my thoughts and attitudes. If I approach it and wonder what is going to happen, most likely worry will be the natural outcome. However, if I approach situations with a wonder and amazement of the possible good can occur through this situation, the natural outcome is normally finding good in all situations even though it may appear to be bad on the surface. Whenever I speak to people who have had or who are going through cancer treatments, they speak about how hard it is. But the ones who look for good in a bad situation are always amazed and in wonder about the good that comes from it. A deeper spiritual faith. A priority of building relationships with those that we love. Focusing on the things that matter most. Realizing that even though I am struggling, I am still blessed. An understanding of how fragile life is and how important it is to live every day to its fullest. However, people I meet who wonder what is going to happen next live in a state of worry and anxiety and fear. Medical science actually proves that people who have positive attitudes experience less ailments and sickness than those who don’t. It also shows that recovery times are less, as well as the probability of fully recovering. Our minds are an incredible and powerful thing.

I wish we didn’t worry, but we all do. If you have ever had to take your child to the hospital, you have experienced this. You can have all the wonder (in a positive way) that you want, but you would not be human if you did not worry. If you didn’t, you might be considered a sociopath. I experienced this when my daughter was three and was diagnosed with a rare form of pneumonia. She was taken after three days to a children’s hospital where she continued to worsen and medicine was not killing the virus. She lost 10% of her body weight and became more and more lethargic. Her lungs began to fill with fluid and they had to insert a drain to keep them usable. They had to draw blood and take x-rays 4-5 times per day. I went from worry to fear to an anxiety that I had never experienced before. By God’s grace my little girl came through this experience after 2 ½ weeks in the hospital, but through it I learned something very important about myself and worry.

When we lose control of a situation or simply can’t control it, we oftentimes hold on tighter and try harder to control it, only causing our worry and anxiety to grow and oftentimes feeling out of control. Fortunately, I had people wiser than me come alongside of me and remind me that there was nothing that I could control in this situation, so to let go and trust the process. I needed to focus on what I could control, like my thoughts and actions, and let go of the process that I could do nothing about. This honestly was one of the hardest things I have ever done, but when I finally submitted to this, I was able to love my daughter more effectively, as well as those around me. I felt the burden lighten even though it was heavy and I felt more connected to those around me and not isolated like I did when I was trying to control everything. The tighter we hold on what we are trying to control, the less ability we have to grab onto other things that may be more important. When I let go of holding on to trying to heal my daughter, it allowed me to grab hold of loving her more. I was more present and available to her, others, and my own self-awareness.

Transferring these principles to our leadership, this is vital if we are going to influence others instead of trying to control others. Teaching and modeling to your teams how to wait effectively, while continuing to prepare is a skill that needs to be implemented. Most businesses fail because they either try to grow too fast or they wait too long to change. It is being wise enough to wait for that perfect wave to ride and being aware and wise enough to know when to jump off, so you don’t crash into the rocks! Teaching your teams how to have a positive outlook and to approach each day with wonder will unleash a creativity in them that is needed to keep your organization alive and new. Look at companies like Amazon or Google or Apple or Pixar who create spaces and time for their people to be innovators and to just sit and wonder what it would be like if their craziest ideas could come true. The 3M company did this by allowing just a few minutes a day for their teams to dream and wonder. Out of this, the post-it note was created and revolutionized the business. What ideas are just sitting on the shelf of your organization because you are more focused on what needs to be done, instead of what could be done? What about in your family or your personal life? Create a time and place to simply wonder and dream. Remember that worry will happen! It is what you learn to do with the worry that will determine your effectiveness and your vision. You will either look inward to yourself about how are you going to do this, or you will look outward to others about how you can effectively and creatively invest in them to create change in innovative ways.

Here is the most powerful part of all this. You get to decide and are completely in control of your thoughts, feelings, and actions during this process of waiting, wonder, and worry! Lead well and model that for your team, your family, and those who are observing you. Let me encourage you to be intentional about teaching others this and explaining it so that they can grab hold of these leadership principles. Use team meetings to demonstrate this. And of course, if you need help I would be honored to come alongside you and cast vision to your team and provide coaching to help you lead well!

Don’t Underestimate the Size of Your Enemy

Don’t Underestimate the Size of Your Enemy

Well, I was almost done with my two-day marathon of doctor appointments and tests at the Mayo Clinic in Jacksonville, Florida. I had one more text/exam to do and then a meeting with the doctor in a few hours to get a reading of all the tests and hopefully get a game plan to move forward. Although not comfortable, all the tests had gone well and on time. The efficiency of this place is incredible. I wish we could get the Mayo Clinic to set up a national standard to be followed in all health care. And if the Mayo Clinic is too busy to do that then maybe we can get the guys who developed Chick-Fil-A’s drive through to do it. They also do a great job and it would be nice to hear someone say, “It’s my pleasure” every time they put in or pulled out a catheter. It would definitely make me feel better knowing that they were enjoying their job.

This next test I was having done was the only new one. I never had it done before because all the other tests came back negative and did not support doing this one. So, I don’t know if they are more detailed or if they just enjoy watching grown men feel uncomfortable and maybe even cry a little bit. They had listed on my itinerary that they were going to do a sampling of my prostate to rule out a few more types of cancer. I had already been checked from the top of my head to the middle of my chest for cancer during my neck surgeries and I knew I was “all clear” in that region of my body. Now they were going to check my prostate, bladder, and a few other organs all crammed up in that area of my body. The good news is that I would know that my body was virtually cancer free after this test. The bad news is I had to take this test to find out.

This is the test they told me I could take a Valium for, but if I did, I needed a driver to take me home, and I would not be allowed to drive by myself for 24 hours. Well, that seemed a little excessive so I asked around and several guys who took the Valium said the test wasn’t that bad. So I decided not to take it so I could just drive myself home and not make someone have to take this trip with me. Thinking back on this, I had some pretty flawed logic. I probably should have asked people who DID NOT take Valium to see how they felt after. Well, the choice had been made and now it was time for the test.

They told me it only takes 15-20 minutes, so I figured it couldn’t be that bad. You go to a room and get a fancy gown and lay down on your side with your knees pulled up into your stomach. The nurse preps you and gives you the details of what is getting ready to happen next. Now before I get to that part, I need to let you know that I had been praying between my last test a few hours ago and this one. I had told God that I would just love to have a nurse who was average looking. Great in their skills but average in their looks. I know this may sound weird but after having the larger than life African American woman who had a personality like Big Mama (watch the movie) and then the two hot blondes who in my mind were still twins. (You will not read about this in my blog, but it will be two chapters when this is transformed into a book.) I just wanted a normal looking person. I knew God was probably pretty busy that day, but I thought it was worth a try to ask Him for the small things that would bring me a little comfort in a time of need. God must have had a little extra time because He gave me a very average looking nurse. God also must have a great sense of humor because His name was Jose. Really thought God knew I would prefer a female given the nature of these exams, but I did not specify that in my prayers, so I guess I left that one open for interpretation. Well played, God! Well played!

So here Jose and I are getting to know each other pretty intimately as I lay on my side, with my knees pulled into my stomach, and the back flap of my gown out leaving my buttocks fully exposed. Why the hell did I not take that Valium? I needed it just to relax while I was waiting on the doctor, not for the actual test! Jose was getting a small table ready while he explained the procedure to me. I really wish he would not have multi-tasked because I was watching what type of items he was laying on the table that I assumed would be used to enter my rectum (and there were a whole lot more tools than what I felt the size of my rectum was). I was watching that a whole lot more than I was listening to his voice (in fact, he sounded a little like Charlie Brown’s teacher). However, after a few follow up questions, I got the overall idea of how they were going to induce a full dose of trauma into my life. Why the hell did I not take that Valium?

“So, the doctor will be here in about 15 minutes and will come in and “gently” slide his finger into your anus to be sure everything feels okay and to distribute this lubrication and then he will insert this small tube into your rectum.” Gently is a good choice of an adverb, but could you clarify that a little more? “There is a camera in the tube so that he gets it in the right position. When he does, he has a little trigger (like on a gun) that he will push down on and it will make a clicking sound, so don’t flinch. It will feel like a shot of air going up in your butt with a little pressure.” (Great! Not that again!). “This will be the doctor taking a flesh sample from your prostate.” (It keeps getting better and better!) “He will need 12 of these for a good sampling.” (At least it’s not just one or two—that would be too easy and make this feel like a waste of time.) “After that he will slide it out and you are done.” (Just like that.) Oh good… that’s all? I really thought it might be invasive and cause some type of nervousness, PTSD, or something, but since he is just sticking a “flesh grabbing gun” up my butt and pulling the trigger 12 times (during which I am not allowed to move), we should be great! Thanks Jose! You have given me peace in the midst of my pain! So I am supposed to just lay here with my butt laying out for 15 minutes and dream of show time?

Seriously! Why do they not put you to sleep for this and then when you wake up just lie to you about what happened? “I am sorry, sir, you were abducted by aliens in a UFO. We believe it involved an anal probe, but we rescued you and you are safe now! You may be sore for a couple days and exhibit some light bleeding when you poop for a week or so, but other than that you are great.” That would have made me happy! But this? I don’t think so! Now I am having flashbacks to the enema and hoping I really did do it right, otherwise this could get messy!

So Jose and I were making small talk for about 15 minutes until the doctor came in. It’s weird that I can sit and talk like nothing is going on, but at the same time be praying for Jesus to come back NOW and think about what is getting ready to happen if He doesn’t. Jose was a great guy who had been working in this part of the clinic doing this job for the past five years. I had to ask him the logical question that was on my mind. WHY? Why would you want to make your fellow brothers go through this shame and pain? Do you have father issues? I came to find out most nurses did not enjoy doing this exam (shocker—neither to the patients) and his father had died of related types of cancer, so he wanted to help others detect it early to have a better chance of survival. Okay, that is a good reason and makes this all seem a little more acceptable (pushing my butt back out now)—at least that’s what I am telling myself!

The doctor finally came in and asked how I was doing? Seriously? Felt like you had to say something didn’t you, Doc.? “Doing great, Doc… all this reminds me of Christmas two years ago.” They both looked a little puzzled, but it kept them from asking any follow up questions for sure! Jose and the doctor started doing their medical jargon back and forth and then Jose told the doctor “happy birthday.” I felt I needed to say something AGAIN. If I didn’t and he thought I was rude he might take it out on me! “Happy Birthday, Doc! If I would have known, I would have brought you something!” (What do you get a guy who sticks cameras up people butts for a living? Seems like they pretty much have everything at that point.) The doctor laughed and said, thanks but you’re getting ready to give me a present! What? Wait? What did he mean? My copay? Negative test results? Twelve pieces of my prostate flesh? The entire experience? What did he mean? He then asked me if I took the Valium. No sir (but I wish I would have) —just whiskey and a stick—because I needed to drive myself home today. Doctor, “Ohhhh. Okay. It shouldn’t be that bad. Just don’t move after we get started.” Why did I not take the Valium?

Well, it was time for the main event! I was already on my side and he had me pull my knees in tight like I was getting ready to tuck and roll like I was doing a somersault. I found out very quickly there was going to be an “ass-ault” but not a somersault. I will leave out a few of the details here as you can imagine yourself, but I really wouldn’t wish this test on my worst enemy (well, maybe one). Apparently my rectum felt okay because the doctor said he was ready to insert the camera/gun. He told me I would feel some pressure due to its size and he would gently slide it into place and let me know when he was ready to take his samples. The most positive thing I can say about this test is that the lubrication had been warmed to a very pleasant temperature. After that everything went downhill.

What the doctor called “slight pressure” felt to me like getting a cavity fixed without a shot of Novocain. It hurt! I needed more whiskey and definitely a bigger stick to bite down on. Honestly, my first thought was “there is no way I would want to be a homosexual.” My second thought (that I actually said out loud), was “That was the first time I ever gave myself an enema (as if someone else had given me one before), I hope everything looks okay.” Now it seemed like I was looking for an atta-boy and that I did a great job. The doctor gave the obligatory, “Everything looks good so far," then “A little bit further and I will be in the perfect position.” A little bit further and you will be looking at my tonsils, Doc. Seriously, don’t know if read the instructions, but I believe this is an exit only. Now I was singing Prince songs in my head, but I have given myself permission to take liberties with the lyrics of “Raspberry Beret” to fit the moment: “He went in through the out-door, out-door.” (Listen to the song and it will make more sense.)

After what felt like forever I heard the doctor say, “Okay, we are there.” Where? Hell? “Now in just a moment I am going to pull the trigger and it will make a little pop sound and feel like a small pinch and burst of air at the same time, so this is where I need you to lay really still. We need to do it 12 times to get a good sampling!” You lost me when you said “pull the trigger!” Seriously, lay still while you pinch the inside of my butt 12 times as you rip out tiny pieces of my flesh while I can’t see anything? Then I am supposed to lie here waiting to hear the pop of the gun go off? I know what to get you for your birthday now, Doc! How about a dose of sanity? So I was trying to think of anything BUT what was getting ready to happen. I started thinking of songs I learned as a kid—“He’s got the whole world in His hands,” and “This little light of mine.” After singing in my head and a little small talk with the doctor, I started thinking about why I didn’t realize that this was going to hurt as much as it is and why I thought it wasn’t going to be that big of a deal.

It wasn’t the first time I had done this in life—where I had underestimated what I had to do or what it would take to accomplish what I needed to do. Poor planning. Poor research. Poor budgeting. Sometimes pride got in the way. Sometimes I just whipped out the man card and thought—I GOT THIS! Regardless the reason, I once again underestimated my opponent! Then a rash of fear came over me. What if I have cancer and the doctor tells me I have 30 days to live and I have to deal with that on my own. People are going to start calling me for updates of how I am doing as soon as I leave today and what do I tell them? Do I turn off my phone and ignore them? Lie? Downplay it? And then I had an even worse thought. My butt is really going to hurt after this is over and I have to sit on it for five hours driving home!

The doctor finally finished torturing me and told me to just lay there for a minute while he put things away and entered some information into his computer there in the room. Well, I was thinking about jumping up and going for a run, but since you asked so nicely, Doc…! I started thinking about what was next. I knew I had to go sit back in the waiting room and then wait to be seen by the doctor to discuss tests from the last two days. After that I had to drive home — five hours! Right now, I don’t really want to do anything for five hours except lie on a bed on my stomach. Why did I not take that Valium? Why did I not get a driver? The thought actually went through my head to check the Uber rate from Jacksonville to Niceville to see if it would be worth it!

After about 15 minutes the doctor said Jose (my man nurse) would take me to the bathroom to get dressed and cleaned up. He told me my legs would feel weak for a few hours, my stomach would hurt a little bit, my rectum would be sore for a day (you think?), and I would have blood in my stools for 1-3 days (awesome). What do you say to your doctor after something like this? Thank you? You did a great job? Do you have a tip jar? Do you have a counselor you would recommend? I went with a simple “thank you” and headed off to the bathroom to de-lube and get dressed. I was hoping I would not go to the bathroom for about three days due to how sore I was, but was very curious what it was going to be like (sorry, these are the thoughts in my head).

I made my way back out to the waiting room where it felt like everyone knew what just happened to me, stared at me and seemed to give a little nod. I felt a wave of shame come over me, but also a sense of solidarity with all the 80-year-old men waiting to have the same procedure done. I am sure they were thinking, “Poor kid—thank God I am not him!” I took a chair in the back of the room near the water fountain and bathroom, where no one could sit behind me and talk about me. I tried to read, look at Facebook, return some emails, texts, and pray for mercy, but I could not concentrate, so I just found a lucky spot on the floor and stared at it for 15 or so minutes until I started dozing off.

I am not sure how long I was asleep, but eventually woke up to my name being called to go back and see the doctor. I stood up faster than I should have—as if I had forgotten what had just happened to me. I walked with a new kind of strut back to the doctor’s office and sat down (softly) and waited. He came in and pulled up all my charts and tests on the computer. Good news—you do not have any cancer anywhere that we tested or looked at. Bad news—you have a cyst on your bladder, one on your prostate, as well as some inflammation around the entrance and exit of the prostate. Good news—there is a laser surgery that can fix it and we believe this will take care of your frequent urination problem. Bad news is you still have to have surgery. Good news—we can do it in about two weeks. Bad news—you now have to drive home in your condition.

That was it! Two days of testing and I finally had an answer and a solution. There would be some complications I would have to live with for the rest of my life from the surgery, but it would work, and the solution would last a minimum of 10 years. It was a fairly simple surgery and I would only have to stay in the hospital for one night. I was a little shocked, surprised and excited. However, it was all offset by how bad my butt hurt. Honestly, I needed a little time to process this information. I knew my phone would start blowing up as soon as I let people know that I was done and leaving. So I just got in my car and started driving, but decided to take an hour or so to process my thoughts before letting anyone know what just happened.

As I thought about this entire experience I was numb. It had been such a long process and now I finally had an answer. I knew I still had a long way to go, but knew there was hope. I was also quickly reminded of how I wish I would have taken that Valium so I could have slept all the way home and woke up in my driveway and not in the pain that I was in. Why did I try to do this by myself? I was reminded of a quote by Laird Hamilton, “Make sure your worst enemy doesn’t live between our own two ears.” We all have enemies, but I have found most of mine live inside me. I almost broke out into song as I was reminded of the chorus from INXS—“Devil inside, devil inside, every single one of us has the devil inside!” (A tribute for my 80’s friends.)

As leaders we need to be aware of this, which means we need to be self-aware. Being self-aware has taken me many years, several counselors, accountability partners, taking time to reflect, building systems in my life so I stop repeating old patterns, and reading books and listening to podcasts to help me understand myself better. There have been several great studies on E.Q. in the past decade. E.Q. is finding our Emotional Quotient or more simply put—our emotional intelligence. Just like our intellectual intelligence can grow, so can our emotional intelligence--and it can be improved by how self-aware we are. (For more information on E.Q. I would recommend starting by reading “Emotional Intelligence 2.0“ by Travis Bradberry and Jean Greaves).

So many times in my life I have underestimated the enemies that continue to control me. My past is a big one! I continue to find tentacles from the abuse in my past that are wrapped around decisions I am making, the way I invest in relationships, trust issues that I have, and almost every aspect of who I am. In the same way, positive things from my past are seen as well, but they are not enemies to the self-awareness I am trying to obtain. I mentioned this in a previous chapter, but pride can come in many forms. Whatever form it comes in is definitely an enemy that can be underestimated. And so are poor habits like procrastination, being lazy, overspending, etc. Let me encourage you to be self-aware and not to underestimate your enemy. Most of the time your worst enemy will be you!

I do realize that sometimes our enemies are other people. They seem to have it out for us or for whatever reason just don’t like us. Maybe it was because of a broken relationship or simply because of a misunderstanding, but when we work on our self-awareness we also are working on how we can better get along with others. When we do this, we start to understand why we relate to others the way we do. What I have found in my life and in coaching others about how to grow in self-awareness is that we are attracted to people that have our same dysfunctions. (Example: Why does an abused woman continue to go back to abusers? Until she becomes self-aware and understands why she is seeking these types of behaviors in others, she will continue to be attracted to abusers because of something lacking in her life.) Dysfunctions happen in nearly every relationship we have and will affect our leadership growth, self-awareness, and all future relationship that we have.

Something this important deserves your attention. You have enemies and most are inside of you. It’s important to remember that not everything inside of you likes you! That becomes very apparent when you have a cold and a virus is fighting against you. However, so many times we miss those quiet and subtle enemies of our past experiences, behaviors, thoughts, and attitudes. We don’t even see them coming (because we don’t know where they came from) and we underestimate them and their power in our lives. Let me encourage you (as well as myself) to work on our emotional intelligence—our self-awareness., so that when the enemy (whether internal or external) attacks, we can calmly fight back and conquer them.

When You Really Need a Friend!

When You Really Need a Friend!

Some days more than others we just really need a friend. That might be the first thing you completely agree with in this read. That’s okay! I know leaders are not always good at friendships. I also know the larger the organization one leads, the smaller the circle of friends they usually have. Seems like it should be the opposite, doesn’t it? Don’t get me wrong—we have tons of “social media friends” and networking friendships, but very few have really close friends. They may even have a coach or mentor, but not close friends—the type of friends who are closer than a brother or sister. I know that I fit into this category and as I talk to friends in high places of leadership, the ones who have overcome this are the ones who are VERY intentional about developing and maintaining friendships. I am an introvert and want to be alone many times, but sometimes no matter how much I may want be alone I continue to discover that I need to have a friend there with me! Can you relate to that?

This is exactly what happened for me at the Mayo Clinic—I needed a friend. Test #1 was over and I headed back to a night alone at the hotel across town. They have a nice complementary salad bar/snack hour for guests, so I decided to make this my dinner and just stay in and watch a movie and get ready for the continued fun tomorrow. I figured more sleep is what I needed the most, not another 32 oz. Bison Steak from Montana Ted’s (although that is always a close second). So I got my salad plate and filled it as high as I could and sat down and pretended I was eating bison. I was the only one who was sitting by myself in the dining area and I thought to myself that it would be nice to have someone to eat with (as long as they didn’t talk too much and ask me questions about what just happened at the Mayo Clinic). Fortunately, there was a TV showing the headline news so I stared at it like I was interested and actually cared about what they were talking about. After a couple plates of rabbit food, I felt full enough and headed up to my room for the night.

Why in the world do hotel TVs have to be so difficult to operate? Isn’t there a Universal TV Programming package that all hotels could be mandated to use? But I regress! I finally found a movie I had not seen and looked halfway interesting, so I laid down on the bed to watch it. As normal, I fell asleep in about 8.5 minutes. Don’t worry, that didn’t last long because 30 minutes later I had to get up and pee. Welcome to my world. After the movie was over and after four more bathroom breaks just to keep it real, I finally turned off the TV and went to bed about 9 p.m. It was a normal night of having to get up another 8 times over the next seven hours. My alarm went off at 4:30 a.m. so I got up and went on downstairs to the room they called a gym. This is the same time I get up nearly every morning. If I sleep in late, I would be getting up at 5:30 a.m. After a short work out (mainly because there was no equipment) I went out to the lobby and had a cup of coffee before going up to my room to get ready for my day.

Unfortunately, I was not supposed to eat any solid foods due to one of my tests, but was allowed to have liquids--but only two cups of coffee (which is cruel and unusual punishment as far as I am concerned). So I sipped my first cup of sweet nectar from heaven and for the second one, was planning to pick up as big a cup that I could buy from Starbucks, with a couple extra shots of caffeinated love-juice to sip on for the rest of the morning. I took a quick shower and packed up my items and headed to the car to go find the closest Starbucks and then head over for my next appointment.

I arrived just as I was supposed to and checked in 30 minutes prior to my appointment. Good job! But here is where it gets interesting. Something new was in my instructions to do prior to my appointment. I had never done this before and the last time I had this test done they did not make me do this. Maybe that is why they didn’t find anything? Maybe that is why the Mayo Clinic is called the Disney World of hospitals? I am not sure, but when I checked in, they had me sign my life away again and told me in 15 minutes I need to go get an enema. A what? “An E-N-E-M-A” — as if I was hard at hearing. I heard you, I just went into a bit of shock because the last time my doctor did this particular test, I did not do an enema. The nurse asked me if my doctor was at the Mayo Clinic, to which I said no. She smiled and looked back at me and said, “Well, that is why, but we need you to do one now.” The nurse asked, “So, what type of Enema would you like?” Seriously? I didn’t know they came in “types.” Are types sizes (because if so I want a really small one)? Do you have any self-inserting ones? How about a scented one? I prefer Clean Linen! She was not amused and said the type depended on the type of test. She looked at my paperwork and put the box in a plastic bag (due to the shame of carrying it where people could see) and sent me back to my seat.

I had never done anything like this, so I went and sat in the back row so nobody could see me open the box and I slid out the instructions. THANK GOD THERE ARE PICTURES IN THESE INSTRUCTIONS! As a guy I rarely read instructions! Who needs them? And if I do get caught reading them, I automatically lose a man card. But this time I felt I should really read through them so as to not hurt myself or someone else standing nearby. There were 16 steps! Really! I looked up online one time and found instructions on “How to disarm a pipe bomb” and it was only 14 steps. I can go and stop virtually any bad habit or addiction with only “12 steps.” And for crying out loud, we are all only 6 steps/degrees or relationships from knowing someone who knows Kevin Bacon! 16 steps for an enema!? I finally got my composure back and realized it was almost game time or at least time for the enema pre-game special. I was 20 minutes out from my exam. I felt like I was cramming (no pun intended) for my college finals, so I looked over the instructions again and gave myself a pep-talk, “You got this, Brice!”

Although this was my first time having an enema, I knew I wasn’t supposed to do this in the lobby while people were waiting, so I went back to the nurse’s station and told them I was ready for my enema. I said it really soft so not to draw attention to myself. Unfortunately, all the nurses heard me and started laughing—so much for not drawing attention to myself. One of the nurses looked at me with a big smile (trying not to laugh) and said, “Oh, honey you have to give that to yourself, unless you brought a friend!” My first thought was, “at least she called me honey—I love the South,’” and then I thought, “What the hell!” Seriously? First, the instructions showed two people and one of them looked like they were in a nurse’s outfit. Second, I am not flexible AT ALL! I really think if I try this alone I am going to pull something or get stuck in a position I DO NOT want anyone to find me in. Third: This is why you need to have VERY good friends. Fourth: Why did I not bring a VERY good friend?

So, I headed off to the bathroom and immediately took the handicap stall so I could spread out and have a little room to move (if I needed it). I don’t know how many germs are on the bathroom walls and floor of the 3rd floor restroom at the Mayo Clinic, but I was up and personal with every one of them! I stretched out a little bit so I didn’t pull a hamstring, and then I laid out all my medical tools (at least that’s what I am calling the items in the box) and instructions on the diaper changing table (thank God for those). I glanced back through instructions and started to get ready for the big event. As an aside, when I am building something and accidentally skip one of the instructions, I can usually figure it out pretty fast and back track quickly so that I can finish everything correctly. However, I only had one enema kit and there was no way that I was walking back up there and asking those nurses for another one. Go slowly, Brice, go slowly. And that is exactly what I did, except I missed one of the instructions--and a very important one.

All the parts lay there on the changing table and I had already scrubbed in as if I was about to perform open heart surgery. I then quickly followed instructions one through eight and I was moving through this like an “enema boss”. Step #8—“Insert nozzle into rectum.” I then started on Step #10 but it didn’t work so I couldn’t go to step 11 and 12. I tried to do it over and over again but the results were the same. I could not eject the fluid from the container and now my muscles in my legs were starting to cinch up from this pretzel like position I had to be in for like 4 hours (at least that’s what it felt like). I read back over the instructions and realized that I had skipped step 9. Step #9—“Please remove the plastic safety seal and safety cap from the top of the enema nozzle so that the fluid can release smoothly.” What? So you are telling me that I stuck that thing up in there with my ONLY package of lube and I squeezed on that thing like I was going to rip it in two and it was not only covered with a safety cap but also a plastic safety seal over the cap. WHY? Is there a big outbreak of people tampering with enemas across the country? After cleaning the tip off (I added this in later so you would not be left wondering), I took off the safety seal and safety top! Step #9 complete, but now I am out of lubrication for a smooth entry. Well, I only saw two options.

OPTION #1: I could get dressed and try to somehow hold my stall so no one who is actually handicapped takes it while I run out to the nurse’s station and somehow try to make asking the question sound cool, “Can I have some more lube please? My first batch was not NEAR enough!” No thanks!

OPTION #2: I was going to just have to do it the old fashion way—Grin and bear it! Well option #1 was NOT going to happen so #2 it is! Well, I succeeded and finished the enema and then went back to sit in the waiting room to wait for my name to be called. I was squeaky clean and I swear every one of the nurses kept staring at me and giggling under their breath. I didn’t care! I felt like an Olympic athlete and was really proud of what I had just accomplished on my own, but I really wish I would had brought a friend.

Thinking about this experience, I don’t know if I have a friend who would have agreed to this (at least sober)! And, thinking about this I don’t know if I would do this for one of my friends. I would hope I would, but, it was pretty nasty doing it to myself. Then I started asking myself, “Who do I love enough to do this for? My kids—sure! My wife—maybe?” I am sure I would for her but it would take a few good runs at it to make it happen and I know I would have some great jokes. Would I do it for someone who I would consider my best or at least better friends? Well, 1) They would have to ask me (I would never give an enema to someone who didn’t ask—that would really take them by surprise), 2) How they ask me would have to be normal circumstances like on the phone or in person sharing their health struggles, NOT over dinner for two, and 3) We would need to have a formal agreement written that we would never joke or speak about this again. That last one is important because if I didn’t agree to that and I helped a friend do this, I would joke about it the rest of his life. “Hey, remember that one time at the Mayo Clinic bathroom where I forgot to take off the plastic safety cap while giving you an enema? Yeah, that was a good time!” Can you imagine walking into the bathroom and hearing that conversation on the other side of the divider? That would be funny!

Did I have any friends like this in my life? It became my litmus test to help me measure how good of friends I have in my life and how good of a friend I was. Everyone should have at least 3 friends (other than relatives) who would be willing to give you an enema in a public restroom any time you need one! Don’t worry, I didn’t go around asking my friends if they would, but I did look for characteristics in them that might lead them to say yes. It also challenged me to invest in these friendships in a different way when I asked the question the opposite way...,”Would I be willing to give them an enema in a public restroom any time THEY needed one?” I don’t know what this would reveal about you, but this revealed some insecurities in my life and helped me to see that I was a pretty lazy friend at times. I think it is normal to take our friends for granted—until we need one to be there for us in a hard time of life. It also reinforced my theory that I continue to see over and over again: The larger the organization a leader is in charge of, the fewer close friends they have. Especially the friends that would give them an enema.

So what do you look for in a friend? Loyalty? That is a good trait! Fun to be around? That is probably needed. How about loving? Not really one we identify when we are looking for a friend, but a trait we love to see in them when they are our friend! Empathy? The older I have gotten this has become more important in my friendships. In fact, it has really helped me categorize my friendships from people who are “acquaintances,” “friendlies,” “friends,” or “close friends”.

Acquaintances are those whom we know and we are nice to each other, laugh together, but really don’t know much about each other. In fact, we may know more about our organization or someone who is a common friend than we actually know about each other. I have hundreds of these.

Friendlies are people who are more than an acquaintance. I see them often and we have short conversations. I know who their spouse and kids are and maybe even an interest or two, but if they would have asked me how all my medical stuff was going during this journey I would have given them the 20-thousand-foot view and not too many details.

Friends are the people who were reaching out by phone, texts, cards, or email and letting me know they were praying for me during all my medical procedures and surgeries. They would check in regularly and didn’t ask if I needed anything, but instead just did something. They brought a meal or came by to take the kids to get ice cream.

Close Friends are the people who took the kids and took my wife to be sure they were getting what they needed. It is the close friend who has a lawn care business who said, “I am going to take care of your yard all season—it is the least I can do.” It’s the handful of people we trust to leave our kids with for 3-5 days while I was in the hospital and needed rest and they did it without blinking. It’s the ones that showed up with Starbucks and didn’t expect a conversation, but were just present giving me space to say or feel whatever I needed too. These are my “enema friends.”

I could go on and on about the different character traits of these different levels of friends, but I want you to think of the friends that you have on these different levels and to define them for yourself. After you have done that, define yourself to each of these friend levels. In other words, how would people you see as friends… see you? I think we all have things we need to work on to be better friends—I know I do—but I also think we have to be very intentional. We need to be as intentional about our friendships as we are about the systems we are implementing to grow the organizations we are leading. Unfortunately, that is rarely, if ever, the case. I know for me—I am so focused on what is ahead of me I can easily ignore everything and everyone around me. However, when I talk to some of the most influential leaders I know, they have developed a different rhythm and have included close friendships as a core priority. They have figured out that they are better together than they are alone. I do believe that you will have friends that will drift between these categories, but I also believe we need 3-4 friends alongside of us to simply do life together in a much deeper way. Close friends that are tried and true are those who have been there for you for years. They have seen the flaws and cracks in your life, and you have seen theirs, but you love each other more (not less) because of them. When you have that kind of friend in your life, you can rest assured that you will always have someone who will give you an enema!

When You Have to Start Over (Again)!

When You Have to Start Over (Again)!

I don’t know about you but I am tired of starting over again and again and again! It seems like my entire life has been one restart after another. Sometimes it has been financial restarts and other times it has been relationships. I remember restarting in new jobs and even new careers. Life is definitely about change, but why can’t that change be moving me forward more instead of 3 steps forward and 2 steps back. It can be frustrating and depressing, provoke anxiety and anger, or even create a sense of hopelessness. If I am honest, though, sometimes starting over was exciting. When relationships or a job had become so toxic and unhealthy, anything seemed better than where I was at. But then a few years down the line I found myself in similar situations. At some point I started asking, “What is it about me that causes me to continually find myself in these restart situations?” And then I discovered something. Something that you have probably already discovered in life — I am just a slow learner. Everyone experiences starting over in some way and many times it helps us reevaluate life, leadership, love, and a bunch other “L-words” I can’t think of right now. In other words, depending how we view restarts, they can be good and beneficial to our lives, even though painful at times.

Well, here we go again! Another restart, not a do over (I like do overs). So, I have to start over from the beginning and try to figure out something new that could not be figured out before. And here is the problem: the first time sucked! It was expensive, time consuming, painful (physically, mentally, and spiritually), and defeating. Bottom line—I DON’T WANT TO START OVER — I WOULD RATHER QUIT! But my doctor asked me, “But what if I can guarantee you (as much as humanly possible) that I can solve this for you?” Does that change the way that you would look at your restarts in life? If I could guarantee you that on the other side of it, life would be better? It probably would, if we are honest. We might not like going through it, but at least there would be hope and a silver lining.

So, I finally got the phone call from the Mayo Clinic and they wanted to see me in about 10 days. Great! I think? The scheduling nurse on the other end of the phone then started to tell me all the tests that they wanted to run on me to get a base line while I was there for two days. As I listened, my anxiety started to skyrocket. She was listing off all of the tests that I had just had over the past 6 months that they wanted to do in 2 days. 1) They did not feel good—at all! 2) They were expensive—even with insurance! 3) They were embarrassing to have done—even after hugging the nurse and exchanging phone numbers with her just to try to feel a little bit more of a personal connection if she was going to be up in my business. 4) And if I didn’t mention it, it did not feel good.

After the nurse was done talking, I asked a simple question—“I just had every one of the tests done you just mentioned. Can I just send you my results?” She told me I could, but we still needed to re-do them (restart) at the Mayo Clinic because their equipment and resources were better than most others and it gives a more accurate reading (see previous chapter on this). If I am honest, a part of me was angry that I couldn’t just have started at the Mayo Clinic and been done with all this! However, it appeared we were just back to the starting line and we just happened to be on a bigger and nicer track. The good news was — at least I knew what to expect. The bad news was — at least I knew what to expect.

So the big day came to head over to the Mayo Clinic. I chose to drive myself due to being highly independent (some would say at an unhealthy level). I didn’t want to make anyone take off work to drive 5 hours and sit all day in a hospital, to then have to sleep in a hotel bed, only to get up and do it again the next day before getting back in the car for another 5-hour trip home. So, I took myself and had a nice quiet road trip. The only catch to this was that for one of the tests I had to have, I had the option of taking a Valium before the test to calm my anxiety and relax me. The catch was if I took a Valium then I had to have someone drive me home. So, I decided to put on my big boy pants (right before I had to take them off for the test) and just “take a shot of whiskey”, bite down on a stick, and gave a pass to the Valium! BIG Mistake!

The drive over to the Mayo Clinic was nice, except for how tired I was. I had to stop like 13 times on my way to Jacksonville just to stay awake and about 7 of the 13 times were to go pee. Good times! I had gotten pretty good peeing in a cup with the car on cruise control at 65, but wasn’t feeling as sure of myself on this trip and wanted to try to keep some type of resale value for my vehicle. Plus, I could tell you about a couple mishaps I had—but you can just imagine worst case scenario and then multiply it happening 5 different times (by the way I have traded this vehicle in)! Trader Joe’s is always a must stop to pick up items that I get to haul around for several days, and that appear to be cheaper than other places (I am not convinced, but at least they have nice restrooms and a Starbucks in their parking lot). Not far down the road from there at exit 183 is the gas station of all gas stations—THE BUSY BEE! You can pretty much do all your Christmas shopping here and people would be happy. The gas costs more and so does everything else, but it’s clean and they have used great marketing to suck me in every time. A few other stops along the way and I finally arrived in Jacksonville to go check in at the Mayo Clinic for my exciting two days of exams.

I checked in at the information area and they printed out my schedule for the next two days. My first appointment was in about an hour and a half and before that I had to go give a urine sample and get my blood drawn. I did that and then swung by the snack bar to get a coffee and protein bar. I returned to the third floor and sat waiting for my name to be called. I was pretty proud of myself for only dozing off twice while drinking coffee as I waited for my appointment. Finally, I heard my name called and looked up from my chair to see my newest nurse. She was an African American woman who was about twice my size. Now, I was not only worried about the test, but I am now worried if I act nervous or begin to have second thoughts that my nurse could very easily hold me down and make me do it anyway. On our walk back to the exam room (a walk I like to call the Green Mile) she let me know that she had a great sense of humor. She told me her mom and dad’s name, where she went to high school and college, her favorite color and food, and the type of flowers she preferred. She then told me if she was going to be doing the things she had to do to me, I ought to really know her more personally.

She had the joy of giving me my second Flow Test (Please see previous chapter on ALL the joys of this test). In short this test places a catheter in both sides of your body (I think they touch in the center of your body and shake hands—at least it feels like it), they then stick electrodes all around your “private parts” and then you drink and get filled up with fluid until your bladder can’t stand it anymore. Throughout the test, as you sit there naked in a reclined chair with a stirrup like footrest, you have to tell the nurse how you are feeling. Words like, vulnerable, embarrassed, cold, and cheap are not words she is looking for I found out. I had to be able to differentiate the fullness of my bladder and the level of urging I had to pee. Well, since I went to bathroom over 30 times a day, it always felt like I had to pee, but I played along so hopefully this would be the last time I would ever had to do this test. This test took about an hour and a half, so my nurse and I had more than enough time to get to know each other. She had a 12-year-old son who acted much like my 13-year-old son, so we swapped parenting advice and failures. We relived some of the goofy decisions our sons had made and laughed (although I couldn’t laugh too hard as it might make me start peeing and I would have to start this test over).

Finally, I was full (or at least what I thought was full). Now the next stage of the test is the weirdest part. I had to pee through the catheter into a container that measured my “volume” while my nurse watched me to see how much I discharged, time how fast I can do this, and to monitor my flow strength. If you didn’t know, it is hard to pee on command (try it sometime). To complicate this, it is hard to pee on command with someone watching you (especially a semi-stranger). To make it worse, try doing it sitting down (especially guys), somewhat reclined, with the added pressure that if you flunk this test, the next one is going to be worse. Well guess what? I flunked! Not only did I flunk, but my nurse’s comments and facial expressions told me that I didn’t even come close to passing. I felt like I needed to apologize for not doing well and ALMOST offered that if she gave me one more chance I knew I could do better! (I really need to go to more counseling for being such a people-pleaser).

The nurse left for a little bit (probably to go tell the other nurses about my utter failure) and then came back in the room to pull out the catheters (good times), peel of the electrodes (awkward), and clean me up (at least she used warm wipes), so I could get dressed and go wait for my next embarrassing appointment. The nurse offered to give me her phone number if it made me feel better, but I told her we were good as long as she would never talk about this or make eye contact if we ever met each other on the streets. She agreed and we locked eyes, both knowing this was our own little secret and that we would always have the Mayo Clinic in our lives, and then I left.

Starting over is never fun but many times it is necessary in life. Sometimes we have to do the exact same thing we just did and other times it feels like we are just pushing reset and although the destination is still the same, the journey getting there is going to be different. I remember growing up and playing Pac-Man for the first time. It was awesome and the graphics (back then) were incredible. They actually looked like little square ghosts and Pac-Man’s mouth even moved! I loved the game, but when I found out there were patterns you could memorize to win the game I became obsessed. I don’t know how many quarters I put into the video game over the next year or so at the Rapid City, South Dakota YMCA, but I was excited to start over every single time because I got a little bit further each time.

Strange how we approach our life so differently when it is so similar to a video game. To really get in there and play hard in life, we know it is going to cost us money, time, energy, talents, emotions, strength, etc. Yes, it is going to cost us a lot! Every level of life is different and getting through each level is going to take different skills and abilities. There will always be adversaries (ghosts) that will try to run us off course and cause us to fail. Sometimes those are people and other times they are circumstances. Sometimes it is the ghosts of our past that we have never dealt with or we tried to contain them to a little box in the center of our lives, hoping that they would not cause us to fail. But ti seems every time they end up escaping from that box we put them in. Other times, it is the decisions we make in our present that are making us fail to even see the right way to turn in life. Like in Pac-Man, there are many things that we need to go pick up and some are worth more than others. In life (like Pac-Man), it is not our goal to get and take everything we can, but to create the clearest and best path through the maze of life—avoiding the roadblocks as much as possible—to get to the next level. And every time we do, there is always something to celebrate if we stop and look and push pause long enough before we keep going. (If you are confused, go play Pac-Man and then come back and re-read this paragraph).

However, in life whenever we have to go through a test that we did not enjoy (and that we were still getting over physically and emotionally), it is never as joyful or easy as playing a round of Pac-Man. However, we are all still going to have to do it at some point in life. It may not be a medical test but it could be something testing your occupation, your character, your marriage, a friendship, your mental capacity, your training level, your WHATEVER. It could be a million different things but know that at each level of life you will have to start over. Some restarts are bigger than others, but all of them still have an emotional and physical toll that you need to plan for. The change of a career could be a very exciting thing and produce energy in your life that you will put towards your new occupation, but at the same time, it may pull you away from your children or a hobby that you love. At the end of a couple months at the new job you could be feeling thankful for your job but emotionally disconnected from your family and like you need to reconnect with your hobby so that you can release stress. OR… you could have a restart in a relationship. Let’s, say your marriage ended in divorce after years of trying to make it work, and although you are mourning the loss of the relationship, you are also looking forward to the freedom it brings. You are emotionally, spiritually, and physically exhausted but the thought of a future of removing the conflict that had erupted in your life gives you joy. However, you feel guilty for feeling good about the future even though the present is so painful. Plan for it!

As leaders we have to plan for every one of these pattern changes in our lives and hundreds of others. Even though we can’t plan for every twist and turn when those adversaries come into our lives, we can take time to plan before we jump back in and start doing it again. We can also take time to evaluate and celebrate at the end of each level. There are three areas that I see so many leaders fail in (myself included at times): Planning for the future, celebrating and evaluating the past.

Right now in history as I write this, I am sequestered at home during the Covid-19 Pandemic (it’s April 2020 if you were wondering). I don’t know how we will look back on history and see or define this time, but I do know that we all need to be planning now for the reopening or the restart of society and our lives, whether it is one month or one year away. In fact, we need to plan for both time frames and even make a plan for what happens if we reopen/restart society and four weeks later we have to close back down because of another surge in cases. As leaders, we also need to be evaluating whatever it was we were leading prior to the Covid-19 outbreak and learning leadership and pattern/system lessons from how we led then compared to how we are going to lead in the future. Everything has changed! It usually does every time we start over. It may look and smell the same, but everything is different. My medical test was an identical test and I could have told you what was going to happen next in the process, but it was totally different at the same time. I was in a different town, at one of the best research hospitals in the world, with a new nurse, new equipment, new doctors, new eyes reading the results, and I even got a new fancy gown that I got to wear that opened from the back AND front (don’t be jealous)!

I hope that each of you as leaders (you are all leaders, by the way) will realize that starting over is a part of life. It will happen. How we approach these times in our lives will many times determine how we will position ourselves for the future. I know that starting over is not easy or fun most of the time. But it will be necessary to prepare yourself to start over. Let me encourage all of us as leaders to 1) Plan harder for the restarts of life (this will make future ones go smoother), 2) Evaluate what you are leaving behind differently (this will give you a better outlook on your future), and 3) Celebrate longer (no matter what you are leaving behind, there are plenty of things for you to celebrate from the experience. If nothing else, you lived through it!

When Good Isn't Good Enough

When Good Isn’t Good Enough

So, here I was at with the best doctors in our region and they were out of answers. I had screened them, check their references, asked friends and several of their colleagues who I should go to and they had done all that they could do. For crying out loud, I had even checked them out on Web MD. They were good, but not good enough. Kind of like how Doritos are good, but not as good as Pringles. Or how in the 80s Ratt was a good band, but not as good as Van Halen. Maybe this is better for the sports fans out there--the Colts are good, but not as good as the Patriots (and I am not even a Patriots fan).

Sometimes good is not good enough, but here is what I noticed. My doctors were the best in our region, but they did not have the resources of doctors in other regions. One of my doctors had practiced at MD Anderson in Houston and another one had done his residence at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester Massachusetts. They were good, but not good enough.

I went to my appointment at the urologist and the doctor sat me down and said he has done everything that he can do except a surgery--which he normally only does on 70-80 year olds (I am getting old but not near that yet). I knew I didn’t want to do that, but didn’t know what else to do. The 7 different pills he tried didn’t work. The test that caused me to never be able to look my nurse in the eyes again didn’t really tell us anything new (see 2 blogs ago). I could never even come close to beating my doctor in how much pressure I could muster up to pee into the “cone of shame” (see previous blog).

I had exhausted every resource that the doctor had and he was good, just not good enough. It wasn’t even his fault. He did everything he could do with the resources that he had. I got it! I understood, but it didn’t help me get better. In fact, it only made me feel worse. I felt hopeless and like there wasn’t going to be a cure for this one and I needed to suck it up and just live with it. I left defeated and frustrated.

It had been over 1.5 years since I had slept well. In fact, I was up 8-11 times per night to pee now. Get up 11 times every night for just one month and tell me how you are feeling. Now repeat that for a year and tell me where you are at emotionally, spiritually, and physically. I would fall asleep driving on my way to work. It is only 14 miles from my house and 9 miles into the drive I would have to pull over and walk around the car a couple times and then finish the drive. Once I got to work I would fall asleep in meetings, typing at my desk, or just sitting and writing a list of what I had to do next. For the last 6 months of all of this I took a 30-60-minute nap in my office everyday as my lunch break (don’t tell my boss, but my team guarded this time for me).

I don’t know if you have ever been so tired you didn’t care what happened to you anymore, but that is where I was at. In fact, I was to such a point of desperation, depression, and hopelessness that I wanted to die if there wasn’t a solution to this. I guess there is a reason why they use sleep deprivation to interrogate prisoners. There is nothing that I would not have told you if you promised me sleep!

When I was told there is nothing else we can do, hopelessness set into my life and negatively amplified everything during this time. I did not hear, “there was nothing else THIS doctor can do.” I heard, “Welcome to the rest of your life and it is only going to get worse the longer it goes on, so I hope you are ready for a life of hell.” I was tired, and I was sick and tired. Everything frustrated me and everyone did as well. People who loved me and supported me were seen as too busy and just didn’t care. It is funny how your mind begins to justify things when the body can’t regulate things. I needed help, but didn’t think it was available to get. I needed better resources!

So, I did what any irrational sleep deprived person would do. I gave up. I wanted to die and even began devising a plan to end my life. I started making a list of people I needed to write a note or letter to so that they would have a better understanding of where I was. I made a list of all of the justifications as to why this was the best way to solve this problem. I picked out a spot where my family would not have to find my body and a method that would be fairly peaceful—at least from my research. I researched online how to get the drugs to inject and the right amount for a person of my size and age. I even read reviews online of its effectiveness, fail rate, and after effects if you do fail. I looked to see if anyone left reviews of how it worked for them, but… well, you get the joke. It seemed like a pretty good drug so I bookmarked the website and went on to phase two.

Next, I knew I needed to read my life insurance suicide clause to be sure it did not hinder my family from getting the money they would need and that was good as well. Now for the real planning. When was a long weekend that I could get the family out of the house and out of town? I would list my car for sale a few weeks prior to that so no one would have to worry about it and if I sold it beforehand, I would make a clause that they could not pick it up until the date that my family left.

I figured out how I could empty my closet and drop it at the local Goodwill so my wife would not have to deal with that on top of everything else. I even made a grocery list of all their favorite foods that I planned on buying and cooking up for meals that I could freeze so they didn’t stress about what to eat. I know people like to bring food after people die, so I wanted to be sure there was something there after that was all over. I justified what this would do to my children and that they would be better off. My wife is young and she can remarry and they could have daddy #2 who would be better at all of this than me.

One of the last things I wanted to be sure was to leave everything financially organized so that life would be simple. This was going to take a bit of time and I developed a two-year plan for this to be implemented. I figured I had lived this way for nearly two years I could endure it two more. This would also help me step away from my job at the church to hopefully not damage it or put it in the center of the headlines. My plan was to leave my job six months prior to killing myself but have something else I could step into so not to arise too many suspicions from anyone. Looking back on this I can see how twisted and even humorous it is to have a long-range suicide plan, but it worked for me.

I was much like my doctors who didn’t have any answers--in that I had exhausted everything I KNEW TO DO. I didn’t have the right resources so I threw in the towel instead of finding someone with the right resources. This remained the case until I had to go to my general physician for a normal checkup and he began to ask me about all my other health issues. “How is your neck?” “How are you sleeping?” “How are you going to the bathroom?” “What is your doctor saying about this?” I answered all of these questions and about 20 more honestly … except the one about “Do you want to end your life?” I didn’t feel like getting Baker-Acted that day and I had read “One Flew Over The Coo-coo’s Nest.”) My doctor shook his head in amazement and said,  “I am amazed you are still standing and alive”—maybe he knew! He asked one more question, “Do you mind if I call and get you an appointment at the Mayo Clinic? They have much better resources than we do in our area.” I already knew this but just figured my other doctor would have sent me there if there was anything that could have been done.

He called and sent over electronic orders for me to see someone as soon as possible at the Mayo Clinic to see if there was anything else that could be done. I thought to myself, “If their resources are better, maybe that would help the doctors to be able to be better too.” Right before I left the doctor’s office he told me to “hold on… that help was coming, and something could always be done.” That was a strange way to end a conversation, but I tried to take it to heart--especially since he didn’t know my long range planning skills of “My 5-Year Suicide Plan.” I went home not knowing when the Mayo Clinic would call or if they would, but somehow for the first time in a long time I had a glimmer of hope.

I don’t know about you but most of the time in my leadership abilities I don’t feel like I am good enough. Sometimes it is old messages that I am still playing in my head from things that were said and done to me in my childhood, but sometimes it is simply because I met other great leaders and knew I would never be like them. It happens often when I am reading books from great leaders and they write something so profound, and I think to myself—“Dang, I have never had a thought like that!” I have served in small organizations and large organizations and one of the biggest limitations I had in my leadership was the lack of resources I needed to be able to lead. I was good, but not good enough. I am not just talking about financial resources either, but the ability to learn and be surrounded by others who challenged me and helped me to grow in my abilities. The people around me were good, but not good enough.

As a young leader in a smaller organization, I had a mentor who challenged me to go find the best in my business and ask them to mentor me. If they said no, then go to the next best until I could find someone to help me grow to be better than I am. I did just this and with some relentlessness (some would say I was annoying), I was able to get someone to mentor me that I never thought would talk to me. He spent an hour a week with me for a year that proved to be invaluable to stretch my vision and understanding of people, systems, and processes of growth and speaking skills.

Amazingly, it opened the door for me to speak to people in larger organizations when I was still in much much much much smaller ones. Very soon after this I was recruited to go to a much larger organization that gave me more resources and a larger platform to stand on. What I found again was I needed mentors/coaches to help me see this differently. It was the largest organization I had helped lead and I was in my mid-20s. Before I started the job I took two weeks off and traveled a five-state region to talk with nine people who were doing what I was going to be doing at organizations two to 20 times the size of where I was going. I asked them to mentor me for a year and help me grow and help me grow the organization. Of the nine people, five said yes.

It was amazing over the next few years--due to the coaching of these five and the one before that (and the several others prior to that one mentor)--the same thing happened. My organization grew as did my leadership role. Again, I found myself speaking to larger organizations and even a couple Fortune 500 companies, as well as helping speak into the five mentors who had been resourcing me! What I found is when good isn’t good enough, maybe we are not asking the right questions or surrounding ourselves with the right people. Don’t get me wrong, there have been many times I have wanted to give up. In fact, there have been dozens of times I have given up and wanted to throw in the towel. Fortunately, by having allowed others into my life there always seemed to be one or two of them that would take time to speak into me and they echoed what my general physician said, “Hold on—help is coming and something can always be done.”

I know many of you reading this may be feeling hopeless in some area of your life. Maybe your family is falling apart and you are ready to throw in the towel. Maybe your job sucks and you just want to walk away (or maybe you need to—more about that later). Maybe, like me, you have just given up on life and you would rather be dead than keep on going. I get it! I have been in all three of these situations and many other thought patterns that are similar. HOLD ON—HELP IS COMING AND SOMETHING CAN ALWAYS BE DONE! If you feel like you have done everything you can do and good is not good enough, then let me encourage you ask some different questions. One of those hard questions you need to ask is, “Who do I have in my life who has been where I am at, that I can be honest with, who can give me better resources, advice, and insights than I have right now?” In other words, who do I have in my life who can get all up in my grill? We all need those people, but few of us have them.

The larger the organization that I have helped to lead, the harder these people are to find. What happens when you are at the largest organization in your region and there is no one to do this for you close by? THINK BIGGER. Chances are you DO have more financial resources at your present organization for travel and training than you did when you started a smaller organization. Use them for what matters most. I have found I can get almost any training or seminar on my phone any time I need it. What I can’t pay to download is someone who will invest in coaching me as a person that I can be transparently honest with, build a relationship with, and that will speak into me as a person and leader. Yes, I have peers that help, but let’s be honest—many times it is hard to fully open up with those who we work with on a day-to-day basis. It is not that we don’t need to work on that and build deeper trust so we can open up more, but that is a longer process (we will deal with that as well).

The bottom line is “When Good Is Not Good Enough—Get Better!” Do whatever it is you have to do to grow. The greatest things in life don’t come from doing the same thing or nothing. If you are a leader (and all of you are), open yourself up to speak into leaders that don’t have or haven’t had the same resources and opportunities as you have. Seek them out and don’t wait for them to come to you. If they come to you, push pause and realize there is a reason they choose you. You might not be able to say yes to everyone due to the amount of time you have, but you can say yes to some and then help the others find someone to help them.

Recently, I contacted the head of one of the largest organizations in my field to give me one hour of time to sit down and ask questions. I honestly did not think he would say yes, but I thought it was worth the risk. He didn’t even respond to my request, but guess what? He had one of his top tier executives agree to meet with me for over two hours and it gave me the opportunity to learn at a much higher level AND ask questions about his boss that I would not have had the opportunity to ask the same way. Don’t stop and don’t give up. It will get better.

The last thing I want to talk about in this entry is if you know someone is struggling in life right now, don’t stop asking questions and reaching out in care and love. Empathy is a lacking characteristic of leaders and people in general. Walk into other people’s world, as messy as it is, and help them see things differently and that they are not alone. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate friends and acquaintances speaking into me during the darkest times of my life. I didn’t appreciate it at the time, but now I know that they loved me and wanted the best for me. And if this is you right now, know that you are not alone. I care and am here for you. If you are struggling with any of these feelings, I would love to talk with you and offer my support and encouragement. It will get better! It always does! Hold on and know that when good is not good enough, it’s okay, because something great is just around the corner! Keep leading!

Just Take a Pill! Everything Will Be Fine!

Just Take a Pill! Everything Will Be Fine!

Well, you always hope it will be something easy like, “Oh, I can see why you can’t pee. Brice. You just need to go get a back massage once a week for a year and you will be good as new!” Thanks, doctor! NO! Or…

“Oh, I can see why your motor is making that noise. There was a little stick that got up in here, but now it is fine.” Wow, how much do I owe you? “Nothing, that was fun to work on!” Or...

“Sure dad we won’t fight when we are together 24/7 even though we are only 2.5 years apart and really enjoy picking at each other’s weaknesses to destroy the other person until they finally submit to do everything we say, but since you asked, dad, we would be happy to stop…” (Sorry for the run on sentence but that’s how my kids talk.) “FOREVER!” NO, NO, NO!

I could keep going but I am really afraid the next one would get me in big trouble at home. I went to the doctor and he gave me a pill and said try that. Wow, thanks Doctor! So, I went home thinking the problem was solved. I took the pill every day like a good boy and went about my business—or at least tried to. It’s what the doctor said to do so it must be okay. I didn’t know what was wrong but if this pill fixed it, honestly who cares. So I did what I was supposed to do, but nothing changed.

So, I got another appointment at the Urologist’s office and hoped no one would recognize me this time when I came in. (Go back and read the last post if you are confused right now.) Insert card. Pull out. Enter Pin. Yes, this is the right amount. No, I don’t want cash back (I didn’t even know Doctors did that). Sign. Yes, I would like a paper receipt please. No my insurance hasn’t changed. Yes I still live at that address or at least I did yesterday. Sit and wait.

“Mr. Early”? I go back again and he wants me to pee into the “cone of shame” (Read my previous blog). I figure if I can get a little more build up before I start to go this time, I can at least get a fast start. I have always been more of a sprinter than a marathon runner in life anyway, so this ought to work out great. So here it goes (or at least I hope it goes). Waiting… Waiting… Waiting… AND GO!!!!! I start singing a twisted version of one of the songs from Frozen, “Let it flow, let it flow”. However, it came out as a trickle and that may be exaggerating. It was like a waterfall during the dry season. Or like a leaky annoying faucet in the middle of the night. Or maybe like when you know you turned the hose on high, but one of your kids (the one you convinced that he was adopted just for fun) is standing on the hose so you just shake it hoping it will make it go faster and wondering why it won’t come out. Ugh!

Okay. My score went down and then to make it worse the doctor comes in and tells me where my score should be and his score was so much higher. I was like, “Dude, you need a new hobby.” I mean if he stands around and pees in buckets to make his patients feel inferior there is something seriously wrong with this guy. But in a weird way, I felt like I had lost and this might actually change the trajectory of my life. “I got to get my pee back on!” (Say that with some attitude now.)

After a bunch of medical jargon and more questions, get this, he doubled the dose of the stupid pill I had already been taking. Seriously! A copay, humiliation, losing my second pee competition in my life, and you tell me to take two pills instead of one?! Okay, thanks doctor--maybe this will fix it.

NOPE! Two months later I am back doing the exact same thing, but this time he wants to run a test. I was hoping it was an essay test because I am great at those, but he wanted to do a flow test. I wasn’t sure what that was but I was told that it might be a little uncomfortable. Well, that statement would be the understatement of the year. Political debates proved to be more truthful than that statement. There was nothing little about it! It was majorly uncomfortable, unnatural, and unwanted. If you want to google it for pictures, be careful that you didn’t just eat a meal and your children are in bed and you are not at work in case they search your computer and think you have some weird fetish disorder.

Basically, what they do is insert a catheter in both ends, stick a bunch of electrodes on you, make you drink a bunch of water to pump you full of fluid, make you hold it until you cross your legs and it hurts, and then tell you to empty it out where once again they check your speed and quantity. Good times! And to make it worse you are in a chair that lays back and the only thing it is missing is stirrups! (Ladies you get the picture.) Of course the doctor does not administrate this, but instead he sends in two nurses: one to perform the procedure and the other one to watch (as if that’s not awkward).

Here’s the good news, I survived the test even with the public humiliation. Here is the bad news, I flunked! Big time! F---! I couldn’t hold as much as I should have been able to and my flow was like a waterfall in August three months after the rainy season has ended (drip, drip, drip). To make it worse my bladder only emptied half way out! The nurses did not look impressed and seemed a little embarrassed for me. The head nurse said, “Don’t worry about it, Brice. We will figure this out together. I think the other mouthed to me, “You still matter!” I would have preferred them to say, “Suck it up, buttercup, and get in there and make it happen!”

So, what did we learn from the test? What we already knew! I have to pee all the time because I can’t pee! So, guess what the doctor said we need to do? Try a new pill to see if this one works. We did this pill routine about three more times until the doctor finally got to a place where he said he was running out of options except a surgery that he only usually did on 70-80 year old men. (I won’t bore you with those details.)

Easy answers are usually never the best answers, at least in my experience. A pill has never fixed any issue I ever had, except an aspirin when I had a headache. But emotionally, spiritually, relationally, and mentally speaking, if I just do this one simple thing I find that I actually regress instead of progress. It takes hard work and causes me to have to roll up my sleeves and dig in. I have to get creative and think outside the box. Or, I have to get accountability and support to help me think through things differently. Sometimes I have gone to a counselor to get an outside view and see things in me that I can’t see for myself. I have found if I want to be transparent, I usually can’t do it by myself. I have to be willing to allow others close enough to me to help see what is blocking the view that I need to see. Many times it is my pride or my selfishness (there is not much difference between those two, by the way).

Sometimes it is shame or even unwillingness to want to change or grow. Be honest—it’s easier to stay right where you are in all the areas of your life, even if it doesn’t feel good. The pain of the present is safer than the unknown freedom of the future. At least I know what I am dealing with if I stay right where I am. But as leaders we have to LEAD! That is a word of movement and action. People who are LEADING cannot stay stagnant. If you do stay stagnant for too long, you have to relinquish your title as LEADER and take on a new title as SITTER. That is not nearly as sexy of a title either.

If anyone gets it, it is ME and that can be a scary proposition. For so many years I went two steps forward and three steps back, but at least I was moving right? NO! I found people who like to be led don’t like to go backwards. They like to advance the ball down the court so we can eventually score!

Let me encourage you to take a 360-degree look at yourself and your leadership and see if there are areas that you need to move forward. Look and see if there are areas that you have been ignoring and that have gone stagnant. If so, it is probably in areas of your life you don’t like dealing with or that are in the past that you want to stay in the past. Again, I get it, but I also know that those are some of the most critical areas of your life and leadership that need to be dealt with. AND when you do, they will be some of your greatest areas of influence with those that you lead!

Take a risk—that’s what leaders do! Move! Lead! A pill is not going to fix the problem, but hard work, your leadership, and your team can! The flow test was humiliating, uncomfortable, weird at best, and I failed. But the information that would eventually be taken from it would lead to my healing to allow my future to have a new purpose and for me to “be able to get my pee on”. (More about that in the next chapters.)

At first glance not everything we lead through looks like it will bear fruit. At first glance the painful things we have to lead through don’t appear to benefit anyone. But keep pruning, watering, working, and amazingly new buds will appear. Your season is coming! I promise! How much growth you experience in your new season will be determined by how faithful you are during this winter or this desert you are leading through now.

A pill won’t fix it. A test won’t fix it. But every time you try something that doesn’t work, you have come closer to the answer of what WILL work. So, stick in there and keep looking for answers no matter how frustrating or how lonely it is. You have got this and you are closer today to seeing those new buds of leadership in your life than you ever have been.

You’re Still Not Right! (PG13)

You’re Still Not Right! (PG13 - Enter at Your Own Risk) (Beware of Potty Talk)

Well, the neck tumor was out and I was healing well.  No massive bulge in my neck when I strain lifting anymore, and if I flex my neck (yes, that’s a thing) I only have veins and muscles on one side!  So, that is almost as cool and I was a little excited I still had a party trick! My neck is numb on that side, so shaving sucks and I don’t really know what I am doing unless I am looking in a mirror.  So there is a fear that I might accidentally cut my throat and not even feel it.  But overall I feel good, and getting back to normal, except I am still not right…

About the same time I was getting my neck diagnosed and treated, I was also dealing with sleep issues related to having to get up and urinate 6-10 times a night. I was barely getting any sleep at all. This had been going on for well over a year and was definitely wearing on me in ways I didn’t even realize.  I understand why sleep deprivation is used for interrogation purposes because I would have told you anything you wanted to know if you promised me I could sleep. Granted I drink about 1 to 1.5 gallons of water per day but most of that is before noon.  The longer this went on the longer my bathroom breaks would take as well and the “Flow got Slow.”  There was a hope that “MAYBE” my tumor had been pushing on some nerve that was affecting my bladder, or at least the neurological relay that said “dude, you ‘got’s’ to go man!”  This was a slim hope and unfortunately one that did not hold true.  So after the neck surgery it was time to figure out what was going on below the Equator, South of the Mason Dixon line, way down South in Dixie (anatomically speaking).

My family doctor referred me to a urologist.  Again, I don’t do doctors.  Not because I don’t like them, but because I never needed them, so now another specialist to add to the list!  I think I knew a couple jokes about Urologists when I was in Elementary School?  Maybe that was the planet Uranus? I don’t really remember, but somebody has to be the butt of the joke!  My frustration was starting to build and I wanted to know, “When was this medical stuff going to end?” NOT ANYTIME SOON!  I got my referral to go see a urologist and waited about 2-3 weeks to get in.  I show up for my appointment and I was the youngest one there by 30 years. I didn’t know if this should concern me or if the staff would like me more because they didn’t have to deal with a really really old dude (just an old one). 

I am not really shy, and not much embarrasses me, but this was new territory.  Why am I here?  Well, (in a really quiet voice I explained) I have been peeing 6-11 times a night and can’t sleep, and my “flow won’t go” (this became one of my rapping tag lines).  It has been happening for nearly a year now and thought I ought to have it looked at.  Little did I know they were going to do a whole lot more than look.  

The nurse took me back, “Hey Brice, didn’t think I would see you here.” Not for sure what that means?  Is it a compliment?  “Well, I didn’t think I would know everyone who works here, so that makes us even”.  She asked me more questions than a four-year-old trying to figure out the purpose of life.  She moved me from the interrogation room to the waiting room for the doctor.  His room was different.  There were new instruments out that I had never see before so I was excited to have things to touch and play with while I waited.  Don’t worry I didn’t blow up the plastic glove to look like a giant turkey (although I have gotten in trouble for that in the past).  Eventually, the doctor came in with a new nurse and I told him my entire story again.  He asked some questions like:  does it hurt when you pee, is there blood, do you leak during the day?  Seriously, this was getting weird now.  No, no, no.  I just go to the bathroom a lot and can’t sleep and now my “flow won’t go.” 

He wanted me to do a pee test in the corner of his office in a bucket that had a plastic cone around it.  Kind of like the “cone of shame” a dog wears to keep it from biting or licking itself after a surgery.  It really kind of made me feel the same as what a dog must, I thought to myself.  He was working on the computer and the nurse was laying some things out for the second part of this party and here I was in the corner trying to pee.  Seriously, this is a lot of pressure.  Supposedly it was like a radar gun in there and it was going to measure the speed and forcefulness my pee. I felt like I was a being scouted to be called up to the major leagues as a pitcher.  I wondered if I could break 100 miles per hour?  I wondered what the world record was for this contraption? Whatever, I just wanted to get this done.  I had hoped that (I thought very naively) they can tell me what is wrong after this and I could go home and take a magic pill and go back to my awesome self.  I stood there and stared down the cone of shame until I couldn’t hold back any more, but I barely set the pee meter off. Talk about embarrassing.  The doctor looked at me and said my stream was horrible and I should be able to pee a hole in the wall.  That sounded pretty cool but gross at the same time. It recorded my pee failure on a piece of paper like it was an earthquake machine recording the seismic shift, except mine looked like a baby after shock.  Just to make it worse the doctor told me what his score was and mine was pathetic. Really, you want to have a pissing contest?  I thought that is just something people said to prove a point! So, I told him I could beat him in an arm wrestling competition, which seemed more important in my mind.  I really expected my name to be printed on a wall of shame in the lobby the next time I came to an appointment.  And to think I was paying for this. 

Just when you don’t think it was weird enough, the doctor wanted to do an ultrasound to see my bladder up-close and personal. Warm jelly (check). Black and white computer screen (check).  Long wand thingy they are going to push on my bladder area (check).  Paper sheets to lay back on to relax. (check).  Awkward request for me to drop my pants and lay back with the nurse and himself waiting (check).  Well, my bladder was still half full.  He measured my bladder wall which was about 4 times thicker than it should be, so I reminded him I worked out which did not seem to impress him. How they had to check my prostate. No issue there thankfully. After all that was over, he said he wanted to give me a pill!  Seriously, are you FREAKING KIDDING ME!  A PILL, NOW? Couldn’t you lead with that and if it didn’t work go to the next stage.  “You need to take Flomax and this should fix you up.” Great! A Pill! That is exactly what I wanted.  I went home to take a shower, call my therapist to talk through what just happened, and then go get my pills so that I could be alright and my “flow would go,” but little did I know we were just starting in on a journey that would nearly kill me. 

Easy answers are not always the best answers. Take a pill! If life were as easy as 2+2=4 we would all be able to solve the problems of life.  All I wanted was a pill and they gave it to me, but here is the problem—it did not work!  Most of the time in life (not necessarily medicine) if you just take a pill everything will NOT be okay.  If I just do the right thing, then everything will work out okay!  Nope! If I just love my spouse, they will love me back!  Nope! If I move forward and focus on my future my past will go away! NOPE! If I work out and eat right, I will be healthy medically!  Definitely NOPE! If I go to work each day and go above and beyond and become a transparent leader, then I will be noticed and get that big promotion!  I hope so, but possibly NOPE! And the easy answers and the pills of life can keep being handed out but there is no guarantee everything is going to be okay. 

What I have found is in my life for over 20 years is if I kept taking the pills that culture offered, to try to find the easy answers to make everything okay, but the longer I went in life and the more cultural pills I took, the less they worked. Alcohol repressed my past for several years, but its effects continued to wear off and left lasting effects on my long term memory.  Inappropriate relationships seemed like a pretty good tasting pill at the time, but left images in my mind and more pain in my heart.  Drugs?  Education?  Overachieving? Travel? Going to church every time the doors opened?  Serving in my community?  All pills I tried but none seemed to work. All were like Band-Aid’s put over cancer.  I looked okay on the surface but the disease continued to spread underneath eating at every part of me.  I tried everything I could but still didn’t get better. 

All of us have things that need to be treated and I think our “go to” is to just take a pill, the easy way.  Short cuts when we are driving can be great if we know they are tried and true, but if we don’t we can go down roads into places that are hard to get out of and that we did not attend to go to.   I remember driving through the back roads of Arkansas and saw a ferry on the map that would take you across a river instead of having to drive all the way around the river and lake.  It would be a fun experience to drive my car onto a ferry and to float along and save time.  I took the short cut!  I drove to the end of the road where the ferry loaded but here was the problem.  There was no ferry.  No line.  No pill.  Upon further investigation there was a sign at the water’s edge where the road literally ended at. The sign stated, “Sorry for the inconvenience but the ferry no longer runs.”  What?  This was my short cut and it was on the map!  Why would it be on the map if it didn’t exist?  No ferry?  No shortcut?  No pill?  My shortcut added 45 minutes to my trip. 

It’s a lesson that I remember in life that short cuts are just that—shortcuts.  They cut short your learning.  They cut short your experiences.  They cut short your ability to grow and change.  They cut short your relationships.  They cut short (at least in my life) your deeper healing. They cut short a deeper foundation.  Shortcuts do what they are supposed to do, they cut short.  Don’t get me wrong I love saving time but not at the expense of adding in pain and problems.  In life shortcuts usually mean we are exchanging an easy way that is temporary for something later that will be harder because we didn’t spend the time at the beginning laying the right foundation.  I had one friend say it this way to me, “Brice you can play now and pay later or pay now and play later.” 

As I went to graduate school I didn’t make the time to read every book, so I read the reviews of the books that I was supposed to read.  It was a shortcut that cut short the depth of my education.  In college I couldn’t stand American Literature class so I listened to people talk about all the stories and sat in on their study halls, but I did not read the stories.  Another short cut that cut short my collegiate experience.  I could go on and on with short cuts I took in life. If only I could just take a pill!  Wanna lose weight? Just take this pill! But, it would take years and even decades to finally figure out that I was still not right. 

It would take total failure, and my life falling apart, for me to look for the deeper issues. It would take the collapse of a marriage, the loss of more friends that I care to think about, the loss of employment because I would quit my jobs and move on because it got too personal, the loss of some of the best years of my life, the loss of wealth and personal growth, and the list could go on and on.  I found that there would be no short cuts to healing. Dealing with the cracks of my character, integrity, and the person I had become and in many ways still am and fight against every day of my life.  It was not only going to take avoiding the short cuts of life, but it appeared that I was going to have to take the longest way there, pull over at every rest area, go below the speed limit, and then stop and talk to people along the way to be sure I was still on the right track. In other words, a pill was not going to fix it, it was going to require pretty evasive surgery.  If I am honest with you I would prefer to take a shortcut, until I find out it’s just a dead end.  Even though the doctor did some weird stuff to me, I still left happy that I only had to take a pill.  Or at least that is what I thought, but medically—just like in life, I was getting ready to find out that I still was not right. 

As a Transparent Leader we are called to stop taking short cuts because all they do is cut short our influence on the people we are leading.  If I only share 50% of who I am with you in these pages then that is all you will see.  The same is true in our marriages, workplace, friendships, etc.  I am the poster child of sharing “just enough” to get you to shut up and stop asking questions. But I have found that my influence and growth stop where I stop.  Of course I have to learn when and what to share in an appropriate manner.  This chapter is proof of that.  This is the extremely edited version of my doctor’s room experience, but you know 100% of what happened in that torture chamber.  We all have to choose how we say things, where we say them at, and who we say them to—that called “wisdom.”  Something, I don’t always have (just ask around). 

My hope for each of us is we can get real and stop just taking the pill, the short cut and start looking for deeper ways that we can invest in those that we are leading.  I know it’s hard!  But I have come to learn that if it is hard for us who are developing in our leadership, then how much harder is it for those you are leading.  Be a conduit of change for those around you and let’s show them that there is something better.  Lets’ show them that they can be Transparent Leaders who show others who they really are!

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year!

Everywhere I look today that is what I see.  “Happy New Year!” “2020 will be better!”  “2020 a new year and a new decade!”  “I resolve to have a great year!”  “2019 is blurry and in my past and 2020 is crystal clear in the future!” (See what I did there) “HAPPY NEW YEAR!” and for all my friends from the South “Happy New Year(s)!”  

As a kid and now a “somewhat” adult I have always found New Year’s interesting.  Why do we put so much stock in the changing of a 24-hour period that end one year and begins another?  Many times I hear people, throughout the month of December, talk about how bad this year was and they are SO ready for the next year.  It was almost as if they were just sitting around waiting for the calendar to turn.  We then make resolutions that we plan on keeping in our lives to make them better the following year, only to see 80% of them fail by mid-February (another 10% fail by mid-March just to depress you a little more).

I recently had a conversation with a friend who said he was SO READY for 2020 to be here due to the amount of sickness, death, and accidents in 2019.  I understand this with the health issues, doctors’ appointments, co-pays, and surgeries I have had this past year.  In fact, my New Year’s Resolution has been “no more doctors’ appointments in 2020”, but just found out I have 2 follow up appointments in January! FAILED ALREADY! Who is to say that I won’t have MORE health issues in 2020?  Who is to say that my friend won’t know people who die or have accidents in 2020 just like 2019?  Chances are he will!  Why do we rely so much on a date, a number, a month, a year to bring us comfort, hope, and a rejuvenation of vision?   In fact, many people stayed up last night just to make sure the new year actually happened and that they could see it firsthand!  They even had a really big party to usher it in and now woke up in 2020 in the middle of the day (already missing the first morning of 2020) with a headache and are a couple hundred dollars poorer.  I hope saving money or living a healthier lifestyle in 2020 wasn’t one of those new resolutions! FAILED! 

I honestly can’t remember what I was doing last New Year’s Eve.  Probably watched some TV, tried to eat half-way healthy, returned a few Happy New Year’s texts to random friends, played a board game or two with the kids, and went to bed about 9 pm. Much like this year.  I know boring, but there is a reason for that I will get to in a moment. 2020 was also a new decade—EVEN BIGGER!  Of course I have NO CLUE what I was doing when 2010 rolled in (probably the same thing as last night and the year before).  I think the only decade I remember was 2000 because the fear of God had been put into us that the computer apocalypse was going to happen and shut down a free market economy and we would all wake up trading chickens and goats. (Thank God that didn’t happen or we wouldn’t have ever had Bit Coin.)  Plus, I was partying like it was 1999 finally thanks to Prince.  However, my computer still worked and that 1999 party was really no different from the one in 1997 or 1996—except I wore a red beret and got a little attitude and walked in through the out door (Prince joke for my 1980s friends). 

We really have an obsession with measuring things in America.  24 hours in a day, 12 months, 365 days in a year (except 2020 just to really mess you up--Freaking Leap Years), 10 years in a decade, 100 years in a century, 1000 years in a millennium (that is all I know without Googling answers so I will stop).  Then we measure miles, money, grades, etc.  We use numbers, percent’s, and anything else that will compute in an excel spread sheet.  Our military measures things by using a different system and then science and foreign countries have an obsession with the metric system (personally I just think to make themselves feel superior).  We count and measure everything.  Happy New Year! It’s Wednesday, January 1, 2020! 

Everything has a beginning and an end and we compute the cost every step of the way.  I am in no way saying this is bad, but it is so interesting to me to compare this to other countries, especially the non-Anglo ones, who have a future and eternal view on so many parts of life that can’t be separated.  It is like there is another chapter that really doesn’t have a starting or stopping place.  It is kind of like if you could write their lives down, their story doesn’t use paragraphs, capital letters to start a sentence, no punctuation, or spaces.  Poor grammar I know!  It would drive us Americans nuts!  It would be unreadable to us!  Why?  Because it can’t be measured or separated, put into nice neat little compartments that we can get our minds around.  We just love that.  But what if you never had a New Years and the date, day, or time never mattered? What if you had an eternal view of life and lived into it now, but saw it as never ending!

What if you lived your life with no end in sight and every day was just a continuation of the last? Not like the old movie Groundhog Day, but more linear without a starting place or ending place. Generations before you brought you to this point and you will take others farther down the road as well.  If time didn’t cause you to do some things and wait to do others, but instead you just did them because they needed to be done (remember time doesn’t exist). Sure, we have daylight and nighttime, we have seasons, and all of us are getting older.  But what if that didn’t have anything to do with time or measuring but rather simply represented the natural cycles for us to sleep and work (or play), or allows a natural cycle for the earth to reset itself for future crops, balance, and growth, and a natural life cycles that comes with getting older and dying so new birth can take place (kind of like seasons). 

I know it is hard to get your mind around because time and measuring things is all we know.  If you ever go to a church service in a foreign country, you will understand.  There is no beginning point or end point.  It just is.  When the people are there we begin and when they leave we end.  I met one guy wearing a watch that had not worked in 10 years.  I asked him why he was wearing it and he said because Americans that come visit think it makes me look more important.  If you don’t believe me go to a funeral of someone in a foreign country compared to America—you might be there for days (except you will be the only one that know that).  They will just stay until they are done grieving and then go back to living.  It is bazaar and seems very unorganized to a temporal type A American!  How about a foreign wedding? Will these things ever end; I have things to do! Just going to dinner in a foreign country can feel like an all-day adventure (except there is not a measurement of how long a dinner should take or not take to these people it is just a time of community and relationship building that happens to be taking place with food).  And we get peeved if our waiter takes too long to bring our FREE bread that we feel we deserve! 

I know we have to measure time otherwise no one who works for/with me would show up tomorrow and blame it on this post. (“Yeah, but you said there was NO time so I didn’t know when to come in!”)  I want to know how much money I need to retire and what I need to do to get there.  I get it, we have to measure things and I am in no way bashing your New Year or your resolutions (that you probably won’t keep).  But I do want to challenge you and myself to look at 2020 differently.  If you have to measure something, measure 2020 as the year you began to see every cycle of a sunset and sunrise as important and refused to wait for a glass ball to drop in an over crowed city with an over paid host to REALLY start living.  But instead every moment of the day was important to live to the fullest not knowing what was going to happen in the next sunrise and sunset. 

I will get sick this year and I have resolved I will see a doctor.  Hopefully, no surgeries, but I am really okay if I do because it is going to happen in life.  People I love will get sick, get hurt and die at some point (it will happen to my friend as well, who was lamenting about this).  It may be during the 4th full moon (just making crap up now) or on the 3rd cycle of winter (more made up crap to prove a point) but I know it will happen to you and me.  I can stop living and wait for a clean start or I can live through it and keep going.  I am choosing to do the second (see I am already measuring again). I hope you will join me so that every sunrise will count from now until eternity.  Happy New Year’s (sort of).